To my dear readers
Firstly a MASSIVE thank you to those of you who have so loyally read and followed my blog. I have been so encouraged by your comments, emails and kind words and have almost convinced myself that I might not be a half bad writer. Secondly a very big thank you to the numerous people who shared their love life triumphs and disasters with me (and my readers) and were humble enough to ask for a dash of advice (albeit some commiseration). Also a big thank you to those of you, who recognized me and stopped to give me your two cents' worth on where I was hitting and missing the mark! I do appreciate the criticism along with the compliments. I have decided to (like any good TV series or band worth listening to, notably The Killers), take a bit of an hiatus. Of course there are a good many reasons that people especially in the entertainment industry might take a break from their work: a little R 'n R for example. (Not Rock 'n Roll but rest and relaxation. Although, one might argue that you really can't have one without the other which proves my point!) Hiatus = R 'n R = new creativity. Since writing is really a creative outlet, I have decided to take a break so that I might return to this blog full of energy, new ideas and plenty of advice. I must apologize to those who have written to me in the past few weeks, I have shelved your letters and do have every intention of answering them post-hiatus. You might say that my response would be far too late by then and that may well be true so please do forgive me, anyway. I reckon a dash of mystery never hurt anyone and it might be good for you to live without answers for awhile? If that answer doesn't satisfy you then consider this quote by Erica Jong, "Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer, but wish we didn't!"
Thanks for sharing the last few months with me. Hope to be back soon!
Yours sincerely
TTB
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The trouble with unemployment: TTB's official guide to earning legitimate moola
To the very intelligent and hot TTB
We salute you. We pride ourselves that we are not stuck in a relational Bermuda, neither do we suffer from delusions of hotness. We are not trying to be friends with everyone, but are abundantly social handbags. This short bit of bragging has in fact just led us to the somewhat dismal conclusion that perhaps we are not actually IN the relationship game. Hence we have successfully avoided all pitfalls of the heart and may as well be lifetime members of the cloister around the corner.
What we do seek your counsel on is the small matter of unemployment. (Not that unemployment is a small matter- we think many young people would agree that this is a hugely challenging problem.) Please help us out of our peanut-butter-ravaging-saving-the-world-from-our-couches-buying-1ply-toilet-paper-crisis.
As you are undoubtedly a woman of logical finesse, please could you provide us with a three step plan (preferably bulleted and alliterated, due to dulled brain power) to help us work our way from a quagmire of disillusionment, and shaky self-esteem, teetering on a breakdown resulting in a SH (Shelved Handbag) resorting to furious credit card spending and the consumption of yet more peanut butter.
Denial. Denial is perhaps the root issue we are dealing with. A handbag never wants to admit that she may in fact be so last season that she becomes an SH. This is why we have come to plead our case before you.
Regards,
Unraveling-at-the-seams 1 and 2.
Dear Unraveling-at-the-seams 1 and 2
Thank you for your kind words and salutations. Firstly I must congratulate you on your pristine Bermuda records. Good work, I say, good work. The question of whether you are out of the dating game I shall address later in my entry for now let’s deal with the moola.
TTB’s 3 steps to employment (wait I couldn’t do it in 3 so I did it in a multiple of 3, okay?):
1) Su Doku. Yes, my dear handbags, you need to start playing Su Doku. Why you might ask? Firstly you are complaining of dulled brainpower so you need to get those brains of yours working. Su Doku is an excellent teacher in perseverance, patience and logic and you will need all three to get back into the job market. (It’s also a very useful way to pass the time while waiting for an interview or at 1am in the morning when you can’t sleep after having an afternoon nap.)
2) Skills. Now that you’ve got your perseverance, patience and logic groove on. It’s time to start a list of all your marketable skills. Think about all the jobs you’ve done and list them. Then LOGICALLY decide what skills you have picked up and how you could use this to market yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. You are more capable and talented then you think you are.
3) Scenery. Take some time to look around at what the world. What would you like it to look like? Yes, dream a little. Then have a reality check and think how you could REALISTICALLY reach these dreams of saving the world. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You are going to need some patience to see your vision achieved. That may mean taking a few job detours along the way to keep the home fires burning. But keep the vision in mind, always, even if you’re flipping burgers in McDonald’s. You are not going to be stuck in your next job forever so don’t put too much pressure on yourself to find the “perfect’ job right here, right now. It’s like the “perfect” man – he doesn’t exist but perseverance means you find the one that is most “perfect” for you.
4) See-Vee. Yes, the good old Curriculum Vitae. You need a professional, up-to-date, short and sweet, eye-grabbing-“I’m hot”-hire-me CV. It’s worth swiping that credit card one last time to get someone in an HR field to set it up for you properly. HR people are also more likely to know how to identify your talents and use your skills (that you have so dutifully written down) to get potential employers’ attention.
5) Supplements. That is of the Career variety (not any other illegal ones like Steroids). Pick up the Cape Times next Monday (Monday’s edition has a career supplement) and check out the classifieds. See what jobs are out there and in line with your dream plan and then…apply, apply, apply. Send out 200 CV’s if you need to.
6) Secondary jobs. Also look at jobs you may not want to necessarily work in for the next 30 years. At the moment you want to start paying the bills – so even if it’s something short-term like waitressing at one of the World Cup spots, it may be worth it until something that is more in line with your plan of getting from A to B comes up. (You also might meet a hot footballer and become a WAG in which case you will never have to work again. Yippee. Honestly, that’s TTB’s plan A. But stay away from anyone with the surname Terry.)
7) Shopaholics Anonymous. Watch Rebecca Bloomwood deal with her credit crisis for some comic relief and then stick that credit card in the freezer. Actually, first buy some more peanut butter and cut the card up. Debt is so last year.
8) Series of interviews. Be prepared for lots of interviews and lots of rejections. Take your Su Doku with you to avert nerves and boredom. Be on time. Get dressed up and look professional. Make up (nothing over the top), high heels, tailored trousers and skirts on the knee. Neat and tidy nails. NO PLUNGING NECK LINES. And a confident smile always helps. (Borrow clothes if you need to.) Richard Bolles reckons you should always send a follow up note or email post-interview when you are rejected. Just saying, “hey, thanks for interviewing me.” Even if they haven’t hired you, someone, somewhere will remember you for a future job.
9) Salary, baby. Somebody, somewhere, sometime will give you a job. Yip, it will happen. Keep the faith, dear handbags, keep the faith.
About the question of whether you are honorary members at the local convent: it’s a matter of perspective. Do you feel old and on the shelf? Do you feel out of the game? Or are the people around you and the world that you see, making you feel that way? Perspective, dahlings, perspective! Get some and then reassess. TTB does approve of the way you are going about things. First job and purpose, then Mr. Briefcase. It will save you a lot of trouble along the way as you have a vision for yourself and thus you won’t fall into the trap that many handbags do, where they cling onto some unsuspecting briefcase for reasons of security. (The relationship almost always fails because both people need to have independent direction in their lives before they can have a meaningful purpose together.) So you keep doing your “Independent Women” vibe because it’s not the job of the handbag to be running after them briefcases, wait to for that briefcase to find a secure, independent you! (So as long as you don’t have: “I am unavailable. Leave me alone!” printed on your forehead, I think you’re okay.) TTB thinks that you are most excellent handbags and can’t wait to hear of the fab jobs you are both going to get where you can start living on more of a champers and caviar diet and ditch the peanut butter!
Yours sincerely
TTB
We salute you. We pride ourselves that we are not stuck in a relational Bermuda, neither do we suffer from delusions of hotness. We are not trying to be friends with everyone, but are abundantly social handbags. This short bit of bragging has in fact just led us to the somewhat dismal conclusion that perhaps we are not actually IN the relationship game. Hence we have successfully avoided all pitfalls of the heart and may as well be lifetime members of the cloister around the corner.
What we do seek your counsel on is the small matter of unemployment. (Not that unemployment is a small matter- we think many young people would agree that this is a hugely challenging problem.) Please help us out of our peanut-butter-ravaging-saving-the-world-from-our-couches-buying-1ply-toilet-paper-crisis.
As you are undoubtedly a woman of logical finesse, please could you provide us with a three step plan (preferably bulleted and alliterated, due to dulled brain power) to help us work our way from a quagmire of disillusionment, and shaky self-esteem, teetering on a breakdown resulting in a SH (Shelved Handbag) resorting to furious credit card spending and the consumption of yet more peanut butter.
Denial. Denial is perhaps the root issue we are dealing with. A handbag never wants to admit that she may in fact be so last season that she becomes an SH. This is why we have come to plead our case before you.
Regards,
Unraveling-at-the-seams 1 and 2.
Dear Unraveling-at-the-seams 1 and 2
Thank you for your kind words and salutations. Firstly I must congratulate you on your pristine Bermuda records. Good work, I say, good work. The question of whether you are out of the dating game I shall address later in my entry for now let’s deal with the moola.
TTB’s 3 steps to employment (wait I couldn’t do it in 3 so I did it in a multiple of 3, okay?):
1) Su Doku. Yes, my dear handbags, you need to start playing Su Doku. Why you might ask? Firstly you are complaining of dulled brainpower so you need to get those brains of yours working. Su Doku is an excellent teacher in perseverance, patience and logic and you will need all three to get back into the job market. (It’s also a very useful way to pass the time while waiting for an interview or at 1am in the morning when you can’t sleep after having an afternoon nap.)
2) Skills. Now that you’ve got your perseverance, patience and logic groove on. It’s time to start a list of all your marketable skills. Think about all the jobs you’ve done and list them. Then LOGICALLY decide what skills you have picked up and how you could use this to market yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. You are more capable and talented then you think you are.
3) Scenery. Take some time to look around at what the world. What would you like it to look like? Yes, dream a little. Then have a reality check and think how you could REALISTICALLY reach these dreams of saving the world. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You are going to need some patience to see your vision achieved. That may mean taking a few job detours along the way to keep the home fires burning. But keep the vision in mind, always, even if you’re flipping burgers in McDonald’s. You are not going to be stuck in your next job forever so don’t put too much pressure on yourself to find the “perfect’ job right here, right now. It’s like the “perfect” man – he doesn’t exist but perseverance means you find the one that is most “perfect” for you.
4) See-Vee. Yes, the good old Curriculum Vitae. You need a professional, up-to-date, short and sweet, eye-grabbing-“I’m hot”-hire-me CV. It’s worth swiping that credit card one last time to get someone in an HR field to set it up for you properly. HR people are also more likely to know how to identify your talents and use your skills (that you have so dutifully written down) to get potential employers’ attention.
5) Supplements. That is of the Career variety (not any other illegal ones like Steroids). Pick up the Cape Times next Monday (Monday’s edition has a career supplement) and check out the classifieds. See what jobs are out there and in line with your dream plan and then…apply, apply, apply. Send out 200 CV’s if you need to.
6) Secondary jobs. Also look at jobs you may not want to necessarily work in for the next 30 years. At the moment you want to start paying the bills – so even if it’s something short-term like waitressing at one of the World Cup spots, it may be worth it until something that is more in line with your plan of getting from A to B comes up. (You also might meet a hot footballer and become a WAG in which case you will never have to work again. Yippee. Honestly, that’s TTB’s plan A. But stay away from anyone with the surname Terry.)
7) Shopaholics Anonymous. Watch Rebecca Bloomwood deal with her credit crisis for some comic relief and then stick that credit card in the freezer. Actually, first buy some more peanut butter and cut the card up. Debt is so last year.
8) Series of interviews. Be prepared for lots of interviews and lots of rejections. Take your Su Doku with you to avert nerves and boredom. Be on time. Get dressed up and look professional. Make up (nothing over the top), high heels, tailored trousers and skirts on the knee. Neat and tidy nails. NO PLUNGING NECK LINES. And a confident smile always helps. (Borrow clothes if you need to.) Richard Bolles reckons you should always send a follow up note or email post-interview when you are rejected. Just saying, “hey, thanks for interviewing me.” Even if they haven’t hired you, someone, somewhere will remember you for a future job.
9) Salary, baby. Somebody, somewhere, sometime will give you a job. Yip, it will happen. Keep the faith, dear handbags, keep the faith.
About the question of whether you are honorary members at the local convent: it’s a matter of perspective. Do you feel old and on the shelf? Do you feel out of the game? Or are the people around you and the world that you see, making you feel that way? Perspective, dahlings, perspective! Get some and then reassess. TTB does approve of the way you are going about things. First job and purpose, then Mr. Briefcase. It will save you a lot of trouble along the way as you have a vision for yourself and thus you won’t fall into the trap that many handbags do, where they cling onto some unsuspecting briefcase for reasons of security. (The relationship almost always fails because both people need to have independent direction in their lives before they can have a meaningful purpose together.) So you keep doing your “Independent Women” vibe because it’s not the job of the handbag to be running after them briefcases, wait to for that briefcase to find a secure, independent you! (So as long as you don’t have: “I am unavailable. Leave me alone!” printed on your forehead, I think you’re okay.) TTB thinks that you are most excellent handbags and can’t wait to hear of the fab jobs you are both going to get where you can start living on more of a champers and caviar diet and ditch the peanut butter!
Yours sincerely
TTB
Monday, June 7, 2010
The trouble with unrequited love
Dear TTB
I recently found myself in Bermuda and followed your advice and confronted my briefcase ‘friend’ to clarify where we stood. Anyway to cut a long story short – he’s just not that into me. Because I am quite a hardcore chick I took this all in my stride and really don’t have any hard feelings about it but I do want to protect myself in this whole scenario. Do you have any advice on what I should do now?
Thanks
Ex-Bermuda girl
Dear Ex-Bermuda Girl
That sucks. It always does. Unrequited love, psshh, it’s for the birds! Firstly congratulate yourself on a job well done. You came, you saw, you confronted. Bam. That’s girl power right there. So instead of being the weak puppy following his lame-ass around you made him make a call and now you know and are free to pursue other (better) avenues of luurrve. (That is once you are free of your issues with ex-Bermuda briefcase.) Fortunately you have come to the right place to find some advice to soothe your hardcore but semi-sad heart. TTB gives you her top 10 steps to dealing with unrequited love:
1) Rent a few DVD’s or a good series. (Perhaps steer away from the romantic comedies.) Get cosy in your living room with a few blankets. Warmth and a funny DVD always warm a sad heart.
2) Call on the girlfriend brigade to join you in DVD revelry and to tell you how you could do so much better.
3) Chocolate. Need I say anymore?
4) Two words: RETAIL THERAPY. TTB’s motto is: I shop, therefore I cope. (Grocery shopping also counts as a RT session. Don’t want you to be heart broken and well, broke.)
5) Now, that you have done the whole escapism thing, it’s time for the harder steps to freedom: NO COMMUNICATION. You need to kindly and gently make it clear to him that while you don’t hate him or dislike him (in fact the very opposite) you do need some space to get over it. So you don’t want to chat, or text or email. Or socialize for that matter… Spin it on him making it a, “this is how YOU can help ME out by backing off and giving me space.” Plays into the whole hero complex so he doesn’t feel like you’re being mean and he respects your space. If you handle it in the right way – graciously - it will work like a charm. You’ll be free of him and he’ll think you’re a (weird but) smart girl and will leave your semi-broken heart in peace. Most of the times briefcases won’t get this whole no communication vibe so don’t try to explain it too much. It’s a men are from Mars vibe…
6) Delete his number and his email address.
7) Delete him from Facebook. (Wait that’s a bit harsh. Stay friends with him but hide him from your newsfeed.)
8) Buy a box of tissues and have a good cry. Take it from one hardcore handbag to another; crying is cathartic and super necessary. Yip, it’s important to mourn the friendship. It is a massive loss but it’s also an essential part of the love-and-loss journey of life.
9) Get a hobby. Take up pottery, painting or maybe kickboxing and pin his head to the punch bag. Gym is always a great option as it leaves you healthy, athletic and HOT. Alternatively, you could always start a blog…
10) Finally, once you have severed the ties, wiped away the tears and pursued a distraction to prove that life is worth living. Once your thought count of ex-Bermuda briefcase is close to zero, you are ready for the final step. TTB calls it OHP: Operation Hot Debutante. Yip, it’s your coming out party! The next time you are forced to meet each other in a social situation ensure that you are civil, smiling and above all wearing a LBD. There’s nothing like looking glamorous, confident and SO over him to get you out of the dumps and back in the dating game! Who knows whom you might meet there?
Yours sincerely
TTB
P.S. This is dedicated to handbags all over the world who have at some time had to deal with unrequited love.
I recently found myself in Bermuda and followed your advice and confronted my briefcase ‘friend’ to clarify where we stood. Anyway to cut a long story short – he’s just not that into me. Because I am quite a hardcore chick I took this all in my stride and really don’t have any hard feelings about it but I do want to protect myself in this whole scenario. Do you have any advice on what I should do now?
Thanks
Ex-Bermuda girl
Dear Ex-Bermuda Girl
That sucks. It always does. Unrequited love, psshh, it’s for the birds! Firstly congratulate yourself on a job well done. You came, you saw, you confronted. Bam. That’s girl power right there. So instead of being the weak puppy following his lame-ass around you made him make a call and now you know and are free to pursue other (better) avenues of luurrve. (That is once you are free of your issues with ex-Bermuda briefcase.) Fortunately you have come to the right place to find some advice to soothe your hardcore but semi-sad heart. TTB gives you her top 10 steps to dealing with unrequited love:
1) Rent a few DVD’s or a good series. (Perhaps steer away from the romantic comedies.) Get cosy in your living room with a few blankets. Warmth and a funny DVD always warm a sad heart.
2) Call on the girlfriend brigade to join you in DVD revelry and to tell you how you could do so much better.
3) Chocolate. Need I say anymore?
4) Two words: RETAIL THERAPY. TTB’s motto is: I shop, therefore I cope. (Grocery shopping also counts as a RT session. Don’t want you to be heart broken and well, broke.)
5) Now, that you have done the whole escapism thing, it’s time for the harder steps to freedom: NO COMMUNICATION. You need to kindly and gently make it clear to him that while you don’t hate him or dislike him (in fact the very opposite) you do need some space to get over it. So you don’t want to chat, or text or email. Or socialize for that matter… Spin it on him making it a, “this is how YOU can help ME out by backing off and giving me space.” Plays into the whole hero complex so he doesn’t feel like you’re being mean and he respects your space. If you handle it in the right way – graciously - it will work like a charm. You’ll be free of him and he’ll think you’re a (weird but) smart girl and will leave your semi-broken heart in peace. Most of the times briefcases won’t get this whole no communication vibe so don’t try to explain it too much. It’s a men are from Mars vibe…
6) Delete his number and his email address.
7) Delete him from Facebook. (Wait that’s a bit harsh. Stay friends with him but hide him from your newsfeed.)
8) Buy a box of tissues and have a good cry. Take it from one hardcore handbag to another; crying is cathartic and super necessary. Yip, it’s important to mourn the friendship. It is a massive loss but it’s also an essential part of the love-and-loss journey of life.
9) Get a hobby. Take up pottery, painting or maybe kickboxing and pin his head to the punch bag. Gym is always a great option as it leaves you healthy, athletic and HOT. Alternatively, you could always start a blog…
10) Finally, once you have severed the ties, wiped away the tears and pursued a distraction to prove that life is worth living. Once your thought count of ex-Bermuda briefcase is close to zero, you are ready for the final step. TTB calls it OHP: Operation Hot Debutante. Yip, it’s your coming out party! The next time you are forced to meet each other in a social situation ensure that you are civil, smiling and above all wearing a LBD. There’s nothing like looking glamorous, confident and SO over him to get you out of the dumps and back in the dating game! Who knows whom you might meet there?
Yours sincerely
TTB
P.S. This is dedicated to handbags all over the world who have at some time had to deal with unrequited love.
Friday, May 28, 2010
The trouble with being friends (with everyone)
Dear TTB
I have always thought that you can be good friends with guys - without having dubious intentions or ulterior motives. It is good to know that you have friends who are like brothers to you and who will look out for you - and just generally be your friend. But there's a catch - sometimes this "brother" person gets the wrong idea - and like someone from the deep south y'all, who plays hillbilly tunes on his banjo - likes you in a way a brother definitely shouldn't. Obviously this doesn't always happen but when it does, it comes as a nasty shock to your slightly-(maybe)-naive self. It is not so much the fact of the context of that person's affections for you changing. Rather, it is because you feel you have let someone down by not sharing the sentiment and perhaps even worse - you've given them the mistaken impression that you might want them to feel this way about you.
So what is the answer? Surely you can't avoid all friendships with guys like some nun in a high-walled convent? If you have friendships with guys who are naturally kind and caring towards all of their friends, it is really difficult to tell if it is brotherly love or more like "Ok, no more one-on-one time with you..." It is also really lame to say to someone who is, in their opinion, definitely just your friend: "so, what are we, like just um friends?" Blind. This could also come across as quite arrogant and could maximise the awkwardness factor. But when you notice that someone seems to like your company and wants to spend time with you - all still in the "friend" context as far as you know - is it up to you to avoid situations like these if you sense a vibe* (of a confusing variety)? There's also the possibility that people misconceive your care and friendliness as a sign of interest which totally messes up things because that makes guys and girls paranoid to care about one another in case someone gets the wrong idea.
The last thing you want is a rigid little set of how-to's. Legalism is so last season. I definitely don't think Jesus went around being all PC with a set of rules he meticulously followed. Hopefully you have some thoughts on the issue?
Thank you.
From Person-who-just-wants-to-be-friends (with everyone)
Dear Person-who-just-wants-to-be-friends (with everyone)
Now, there is a BIG question. There is so much and yet so little to be said on this subject. Relationships in church/Christian circles are always a tad more complex. The reasons being of course, for good reason: people have a desire to honour God and want to “guard their hearts” (to use a phrase right out of Song of Songs) and be pure in their interactions with each other. All good principles that I am well in agreement with but the complications arise when handbags and briefcases are in serious lack of some Emotional Intelligence. But I guess that’s why TTB is here to give a helping hand! First thing we need to establish is that there is no set of rules for dating in the Bible. (Which is just really unhelpful.) But God in his wisdom intended it that way so that men and women would seek him. Or else, what’s a heaven for? (To quote and unrelated excerpt of a poem.) God does say give us some clear guidelines for marriage and wow, am I happy for that! And perhaps people should be more focused on what the Bible says about marriage as opposed to working out how best to go about dating or “courting” to use a bit of Christianese. (This is all semantics of course, but don’t get me started on that…)
Nonetheless, church folk do try their very best to work out a “system” or perhaps a set of rules that they can stick to, to make dating work for them. The worse kind of legalism in my mind… So, I agree, legalism is out and obedience is in. People need to stick to finding God, reading His word and being obedient to it. Finished and klaar. Easy, hey? Unfortunately not because people make mistakes and are imperfect and we have to just live in forgiveness of that since we are certainly imperfect, every one of us. I have noticed two concepts that Christian singletons seem to confuse: guarding your heart and loving your neighbour. They think that being friends with everyone (particularly those of the opposite sex) means that they have the whole loving their neighbour thing waxed and then they try their level best to “guard their hearts” by constantly assessing every friendship that comes their way making sure that they are guarding everyone else’s hearts. (Yes, that’s where this whole paranoia of “does he/she like me” stems from. Of course TTB does have a simple solution to this: DIRECT COMMUNICATION. But since she is aware that some folks aren’t so keen on this ultra confrontational philosophy AND WILL TAKE NO NOTICE OF HER she will move on to other justifiable but NOT NEARLY AS SUCCESSFUL ways of dealing with this.) Anyway, this begs the question, what does it mean to guard YOUR heart? Well it means just that. You are responsible for your emotions. Not anyone else’s. (Of course I am not suggesting you flirt with all and sundry and then happily sit back and say: “Sorry for you. I am so not into you. And by the way, you should be guarding your own damn heart so don’t blame my hotness for you falling in love with me.”)
So you see. There are some very complex vibes attached to being single and Christian... So what am I getting at? TTB reckons you can still love your neighbour without being friends with every single person in your church. My thoughts are that trying to be friends with everyone is a hopeless cause. Trying to be friendly with everyone might be more attainable and even that might be a stretch. But rest assured, I don’t think you need to join the cloister around the corner! I agree that you should be friendly and kind to everyone and if all possessed a little EI and really did guard their own hearts then there wouldn’t be much of a problem. Alas, this is not the case. So what do you do? Firstly, I still maintain that girls and guys can’t be friends. And now you’re thinking in true Princess Diaries style: “Shut up!” But I will stand my ground on this one. Where there is an unattached male and an unattached female in a 5 metre radius of each other: one or the other (or maybe both) are considering whether “this could be love, love, love”. Of course there are things that people do that wreck havoc and cause people to jump to this conclusion more readily – texting, emailing and being intentional about inviting people to things. So, I would say that you keep those things to a minimum in your friendships with the opposite sex. And hang out in a more general way. There’s always a safety in numbers.
I do believe in having briefcase acquaintances – briefcases you are friendly with but you don’t necessarily hang out with all the time. They don’t need to know all your deep, dark secrets – keep conversations civil, friendly and light-hearted. You might be accused of being shallow, but that’s just too bad. Better shallow than in Bermuda. In fact loving your neighbour sometimes means that you don’t create unrealistic expectations in a friendship that is never going to go anywhere. So, the truth is you’re only going to end up marrying one person (hopefully, I mean polygamy is just a nightmare – imagine having more than one husby to look after? Nightmare, nightmare.) and once you’re hitched you’re not going to be friends with all these other guys. I mean like real “friends”. So then I say, why on earth start being “friends” with them in the first place? (See the post below for more of an exposition on this subject.)
I know that there are certain briefcases who I am friendly with who I consider “safe”. Boundaries are so very clear – they know and I know where we are at. We ain’t walking down that aisle. Ever. These briefcases tend to have a higher EI than most and are also more likely to tell you straight when they are sensing some vibes. And you also feel the liberty to keep lines of communication very open in this regard. There isn’t that awkwardness. Do you know what I mean? I think those are the briefcases who you MAY be able to have a truly brother-sister relationship where you can rely on them to watch out for you. But even then I wouldn’t push the envelope and I would still be cautious about spending too much time together, texting, emailing and facebooking etc. I mean, really, social networking has ruined our lives. Dating has just become that much more complex with all these forms of media interactions to be aware of. Makes me tired just thinking about it…
As Bill Cosby so wisely said, “I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” “And I think that’s what people often try to do in these circles. Being friends with everyone is a nice sentiment but it comes at a price and it may mean that if you’re a particularly lovely and hot handbag (as I am sure you are) you will often get into the position of having Brother Briefcase wanting to sail off to distant shores with your heart. So it’s a call you’re going to have to make. Unfortunately there’s a cost either way. You can cease being friends with briefcases and that may mean it creates some awkwardness and people may not understand you. Also, you may not have much of a social life. The upside being that you don’t run into trouble with Brother Briefcase. Or you carry on being a social butterfly and be friends with everyone and run the risk that you may have to set the record straight with a few Brother Briefcases along the way. There’s just no way of having your cake and eating it. Good luck!
Yours sincerely
TTB
I have always thought that you can be good friends with guys - without having dubious intentions or ulterior motives. It is good to know that you have friends who are like brothers to you and who will look out for you - and just generally be your friend. But there's a catch - sometimes this "brother" person gets the wrong idea - and like someone from the deep south y'all, who plays hillbilly tunes on his banjo - likes you in a way a brother definitely shouldn't. Obviously this doesn't always happen but when it does, it comes as a nasty shock to your slightly-(maybe)-naive self. It is not so much the fact of the context of that person's affections for you changing. Rather, it is because you feel you have let someone down by not sharing the sentiment and perhaps even worse - you've given them the mistaken impression that you might want them to feel this way about you.
So what is the answer? Surely you can't avoid all friendships with guys like some nun in a high-walled convent? If you have friendships with guys who are naturally kind and caring towards all of their friends, it is really difficult to tell if it is brotherly love or more like "Ok, no more one-on-one time with you..." It is also really lame to say to someone who is, in their opinion, definitely just your friend: "so, what are we, like just um friends?" Blind. This could also come across as quite arrogant and could maximise the awkwardness factor. But when you notice that someone seems to like your company and wants to spend time with you - all still in the "friend" context as far as you know - is it up to you to avoid situations like these if you sense a vibe* (of a confusing variety)? There's also the possibility that people misconceive your care and friendliness as a sign of interest which totally messes up things because that makes guys and girls paranoid to care about one another in case someone gets the wrong idea.
The last thing you want is a rigid little set of how-to's. Legalism is so last season. I definitely don't think Jesus went around being all PC with a set of rules he meticulously followed. Hopefully you have some thoughts on the issue?
Thank you.
From Person-who-just-wants-to-be-friends (with everyone)
Dear Person-who-just-wants-to-be-friends (with everyone)
Now, there is a BIG question. There is so much and yet so little to be said on this subject. Relationships in church/Christian circles are always a tad more complex. The reasons being of course, for good reason: people have a desire to honour God and want to “guard their hearts” (to use a phrase right out of Song of Songs) and be pure in their interactions with each other. All good principles that I am well in agreement with but the complications arise when handbags and briefcases are in serious lack of some Emotional Intelligence. But I guess that’s why TTB is here to give a helping hand! First thing we need to establish is that there is no set of rules for dating in the Bible. (Which is just really unhelpful.) But God in his wisdom intended it that way so that men and women would seek him. Or else, what’s a heaven for? (To quote and unrelated excerpt of a poem.) God does say give us some clear guidelines for marriage and wow, am I happy for that! And perhaps people should be more focused on what the Bible says about marriage as opposed to working out how best to go about dating or “courting” to use a bit of Christianese. (This is all semantics of course, but don’t get me started on that…)
Nonetheless, church folk do try their very best to work out a “system” or perhaps a set of rules that they can stick to, to make dating work for them. The worse kind of legalism in my mind… So, I agree, legalism is out and obedience is in. People need to stick to finding God, reading His word and being obedient to it. Finished and klaar. Easy, hey? Unfortunately not because people make mistakes and are imperfect and we have to just live in forgiveness of that since we are certainly imperfect, every one of us. I have noticed two concepts that Christian singletons seem to confuse: guarding your heart and loving your neighbour. They think that being friends with everyone (particularly those of the opposite sex) means that they have the whole loving their neighbour thing waxed and then they try their level best to “guard their hearts” by constantly assessing every friendship that comes their way making sure that they are guarding everyone else’s hearts. (Yes, that’s where this whole paranoia of “does he/she like me” stems from. Of course TTB does have a simple solution to this: DIRECT COMMUNICATION. But since she is aware that some folks aren’t so keen on this ultra confrontational philosophy AND WILL TAKE NO NOTICE OF HER she will move on to other justifiable but NOT NEARLY AS SUCCESSFUL ways of dealing with this.) Anyway, this begs the question, what does it mean to guard YOUR heart? Well it means just that. You are responsible for your emotions. Not anyone else’s. (Of course I am not suggesting you flirt with all and sundry and then happily sit back and say: “Sorry for you. I am so not into you. And by the way, you should be guarding your own damn heart so don’t blame my hotness for you falling in love with me.”)
So you see. There are some very complex vibes attached to being single and Christian... So what am I getting at? TTB reckons you can still love your neighbour without being friends with every single person in your church. My thoughts are that trying to be friends with everyone is a hopeless cause. Trying to be friendly with everyone might be more attainable and even that might be a stretch. But rest assured, I don’t think you need to join the cloister around the corner! I agree that you should be friendly and kind to everyone and if all possessed a little EI and really did guard their own hearts then there wouldn’t be much of a problem. Alas, this is not the case. So what do you do? Firstly, I still maintain that girls and guys can’t be friends. And now you’re thinking in true Princess Diaries style: “Shut up!” But I will stand my ground on this one. Where there is an unattached male and an unattached female in a 5 metre radius of each other: one or the other (or maybe both) are considering whether “this could be love, love, love”. Of course there are things that people do that wreck havoc and cause people to jump to this conclusion more readily – texting, emailing and being intentional about inviting people to things. So, I would say that you keep those things to a minimum in your friendships with the opposite sex. And hang out in a more general way. There’s always a safety in numbers.
I do believe in having briefcase acquaintances – briefcases you are friendly with but you don’t necessarily hang out with all the time. They don’t need to know all your deep, dark secrets – keep conversations civil, friendly and light-hearted. You might be accused of being shallow, but that’s just too bad. Better shallow than in Bermuda. In fact loving your neighbour sometimes means that you don’t create unrealistic expectations in a friendship that is never going to go anywhere. So, the truth is you’re only going to end up marrying one person (hopefully, I mean polygamy is just a nightmare – imagine having more than one husby to look after? Nightmare, nightmare.) and once you’re hitched you’re not going to be friends with all these other guys. I mean like real “friends”. So then I say, why on earth start being “friends” with them in the first place? (See the post below for more of an exposition on this subject.)
I know that there are certain briefcases who I am friendly with who I consider “safe”. Boundaries are so very clear – they know and I know where we are at. We ain’t walking down that aisle. Ever. These briefcases tend to have a higher EI than most and are also more likely to tell you straight when they are sensing some vibes. And you also feel the liberty to keep lines of communication very open in this regard. There isn’t that awkwardness. Do you know what I mean? I think those are the briefcases who you MAY be able to have a truly brother-sister relationship where you can rely on them to watch out for you. But even then I wouldn’t push the envelope and I would still be cautious about spending too much time together, texting, emailing and facebooking etc. I mean, really, social networking has ruined our lives. Dating has just become that much more complex with all these forms of media interactions to be aware of. Makes me tired just thinking about it…
As Bill Cosby so wisely said, “I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” “And I think that’s what people often try to do in these circles. Being friends with everyone is a nice sentiment but it comes at a price and it may mean that if you’re a particularly lovely and hot handbag (as I am sure you are) you will often get into the position of having Brother Briefcase wanting to sail off to distant shores with your heart. So it’s a call you’re going to have to make. Unfortunately there’s a cost either way. You can cease being friends with briefcases and that may mean it creates some awkwardness and people may not understand you. Also, you may not have much of a social life. The upside being that you don’t run into trouble with Brother Briefcase. Or you carry on being a social butterfly and be friends with everyone and run the risk that you may have to set the record straight with a few Brother Briefcases along the way. There’s just no way of having your cake and eating it. Good luck!
Yours sincerely
TTB
Monday, May 24, 2010
The trouble with being TOGWTHBTBAGF
Dear TTB
I want to ask about something that happened to me a while ago, it's left a really nasty taste in my mouth.
So, I had this really good friend. We hung out a lot and sometimes the whole situation was a bit grey, I'll admit. I wasn't so sure if I was keen when she was and vice versa. So I guess we kinda went on dates on and off for about 2 years, in spite of that, at the bottom of it all we were really great mates. We were into the same stuff and she wasn't admin to be around, so we hung out a lot. There was a lot of mutual respect too. We were really GOOD MATES. Like she was definitely my best girl friend.
Anyway, she ended up finding a guy she actually KNEW she wanted to date and started dating him. I was stoked. For real. I mean we had tried it out and it sort of never worked out well, our timing was all off and so I was really happy for her, I mean ultimately we were better as friends all along. So great, let's be honest and not make it a big awkward issue, let's just be friends. I knew the guy and we'd hung out a couple of times, he's cool, we are mates, no weirdness...until she made it totally weird and started being all strange about it. Anyway, I was chilled, we were all still mates and I can get that it may have felt awkward for her. I guess in the end I was better mates with the guy than the girl, which is normal in these situations.
Then 4 months ago they got engaged. I was/am so happy for them - they are good for each other, they make a good couple. I've always thought so, much better than she and I would EVER be together. Plus they are my mates, of course I'm happy for them. He did well.
Now I've put up with a whole lot of weirdness from her since they started dating, which I can deal with, but the one thing that's made me super bleak is this:
When they got engaged, they told EVERYONE except me. Like everyone. Even randoms who they were vaguely acquainted with. I totally read about their engagement on OTHER PEOPLE'S face book status updates before they told me. Being mates with both parties and once being REALLY good mates with the girl, I was really disappointed with them - or her more, I guess. Did they really think that I was that hung up on her that I couldn't take it? Did she think I was that lame? Maybe they just don't count me a mate anymore after all her weird vibes? So like 3 days later after everyone else had told me how it happened, when they were getting married and the whole trip, I get this sad little text message basically saying: "guess what, we're engaged." As if I didn't know. I feel like I've been made to feel like I'm the lame ass emotionally immature person in this situation. Why couldn't they just be normal and tell me like they told everyone else, I mean flip, I was/am so stoked for them! It's a pity they didn't think I would be. I'm bleak that our friendship has got so cold.
The other guy who tried his best to be a good friend.
Dear TOGWTHBTBAGF
Wow, what a story. What a tragedy of emotional idiocy. Guess it comes down to the question of “Can handbags and briefcases ever be ‘just friends’?” Mmm. TTB has really been pondering this a great deal lately and she seems to be leaning towards a very firm, “NO!” So TTB’s assessment is as follows:
You were definitely in Bermuda territory for much of your friendship. (TTB will go easy on you about this because TTB can see you’re quite um…cut up/frustrated with the situation.) Basically the two of you should definitely have spoken this through. Would have made things a lot easier now. COMMUNICATION! If TTB’s said it once, she’s said it a thousand times… Because you didn’t chat this through, your friend obviously was left with somewhat ambivalent feelings towards you and the former friendship you had, resulting in awkward vibes between the two of you.
That said the fact that you tried your best to befriend both of them – particularly her new boyfriend - means that you were really trying to show your support in their relationship and to make things as normal as possible. But, let’s face it; any guy-girl friendship always goes south as soon as one of the people starts dating someone else. Then it becomes even stranger when they become engaged and then you can probably just about kiss the friendship goodbye once ex-Bermuda “friend” ends up hitched. (Unless of course you and Husby end up as big mates?) Sad, but true. TTB doesn’t think that this is a bad thing. It’s a very necessary thing, if not totally appropriate. It’s just the natural order of things. I’m sure you wouldn’t want your future fiancée/wife hanging out with any of her former guy friends? It’s just a bit weird. Nonetheless you seemed to handle the transition, most appropriately! So, kudos for that.
Your newly engaged friend, however, is a moron. Plain and simple. She is clearly lacking some EI and TTB wouldn’t mind giving her a mouthful about it. She should have just been “Harry Casual” about the whole thing and told you just like everybody else. Hello? How hard would that have been? The only other explanation that TTB can offer is that she may have forgotten to send you a message? For whatever reason it was a horrible oversight not to let you know. The issue definitely lies with her. If you had been some awful, ex-boyfriend who smashed her heart into a million pieces, TTB’d say that you definitely didn’t need to be informed of her pending marriage. But since you’re the guy who tried his best to be a good friend, TTB says: shame on her!
The long and the short of it is that you got a raw deal and TTB is sorry for that. It sucks big time. Much can be learned though. Stay out of undefined friendships with handbags – it only leads to trouble. The upside is that once you find a handbag you do want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll have a “best girl friend” you will be friends with forever! Isn’t that a happy thought? All these other friendships with people of the opposite sex are just a counterfeit of the real deal, anyway.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS Your spelling is atrocious – TTB had to do a fair amount of editing. Keep working on that. (Sorry, TTB knows you’re bleak and all, but that’s no reason to abuse the English language.)
PPS If you’re wondering whether you should go to the wedding or not, you should. Some advice for free: If you were an ex-boyfriend, TTB would say that the polite thing to do was to decline the invite feigning illness or a longstanding family engagement at your Great Aunt Muriel’s.
I want to ask about something that happened to me a while ago, it's left a really nasty taste in my mouth.
So, I had this really good friend. We hung out a lot and sometimes the whole situation was a bit grey, I'll admit. I wasn't so sure if I was keen when she was and vice versa. So I guess we kinda went on dates on and off for about 2 years, in spite of that, at the bottom of it all we were really great mates. We were into the same stuff and she wasn't admin to be around, so we hung out a lot. There was a lot of mutual respect too. We were really GOOD MATES. Like she was definitely my best girl friend.
Anyway, she ended up finding a guy she actually KNEW she wanted to date and started dating him. I was stoked. For real. I mean we had tried it out and it sort of never worked out well, our timing was all off and so I was really happy for her, I mean ultimately we were better as friends all along. So great, let's be honest and not make it a big awkward issue, let's just be friends. I knew the guy and we'd hung out a couple of times, he's cool, we are mates, no weirdness...until she made it totally weird and started being all strange about it. Anyway, I was chilled, we were all still mates and I can get that it may have felt awkward for her. I guess in the end I was better mates with the guy than the girl, which is normal in these situations.
Then 4 months ago they got engaged. I was/am so happy for them - they are good for each other, they make a good couple. I've always thought so, much better than she and I would EVER be together. Plus they are my mates, of course I'm happy for them. He did well.
Now I've put up with a whole lot of weirdness from her since they started dating, which I can deal with, but the one thing that's made me super bleak is this:
When they got engaged, they told EVERYONE except me. Like everyone. Even randoms who they were vaguely acquainted with. I totally read about their engagement on OTHER PEOPLE'S face book status updates before they told me. Being mates with both parties and once being REALLY good mates with the girl, I was really disappointed with them - or her more, I guess. Did they really think that I was that hung up on her that I couldn't take it? Did she think I was that lame? Maybe they just don't count me a mate anymore after all her weird vibes? So like 3 days later after everyone else had told me how it happened, when they were getting married and the whole trip, I get this sad little text message basically saying: "guess what, we're engaged." As if I didn't know. I feel like I've been made to feel like I'm the lame ass emotionally immature person in this situation. Why couldn't they just be normal and tell me like they told everyone else, I mean flip, I was/am so stoked for them! It's a pity they didn't think I would be. I'm bleak that our friendship has got so cold.
The other guy who tried his best to be a good friend.
Dear TOGWTHBTBAGF
Wow, what a story. What a tragedy of emotional idiocy. Guess it comes down to the question of “Can handbags and briefcases ever be ‘just friends’?” Mmm. TTB has really been pondering this a great deal lately and she seems to be leaning towards a very firm, “NO!” So TTB’s assessment is as follows:
You were definitely in Bermuda territory for much of your friendship. (TTB will go easy on you about this because TTB can see you’re quite um…cut up/frustrated with the situation.) Basically the two of you should definitely have spoken this through. Would have made things a lot easier now. COMMUNICATION! If TTB’s said it once, she’s said it a thousand times… Because you didn’t chat this through, your friend obviously was left with somewhat ambivalent feelings towards you and the former friendship you had, resulting in awkward vibes between the two of you.
That said the fact that you tried your best to befriend both of them – particularly her new boyfriend - means that you were really trying to show your support in their relationship and to make things as normal as possible. But, let’s face it; any guy-girl friendship always goes south as soon as one of the people starts dating someone else. Then it becomes even stranger when they become engaged and then you can probably just about kiss the friendship goodbye once ex-Bermuda “friend” ends up hitched. (Unless of course you and Husby end up as big mates?) Sad, but true. TTB doesn’t think that this is a bad thing. It’s a very necessary thing, if not totally appropriate. It’s just the natural order of things. I’m sure you wouldn’t want your future fiancée/wife hanging out with any of her former guy friends? It’s just a bit weird. Nonetheless you seemed to handle the transition, most appropriately! So, kudos for that.
Your newly engaged friend, however, is a moron. Plain and simple. She is clearly lacking some EI and TTB wouldn’t mind giving her a mouthful about it. She should have just been “Harry Casual” about the whole thing and told you just like everybody else. Hello? How hard would that have been? The only other explanation that TTB can offer is that she may have forgotten to send you a message? For whatever reason it was a horrible oversight not to let you know. The issue definitely lies with her. If you had been some awful, ex-boyfriend who smashed her heart into a million pieces, TTB’d say that you definitely didn’t need to be informed of her pending marriage. But since you’re the guy who tried his best to be a good friend, TTB says: shame on her!
The long and the short of it is that you got a raw deal and TTB is sorry for that. It sucks big time. Much can be learned though. Stay out of undefined friendships with handbags – it only leads to trouble. The upside is that once you find a handbag you do want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll have a “best girl friend” you will be friends with forever! Isn’t that a happy thought? All these other friendships with people of the opposite sex are just a counterfeit of the real deal, anyway.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS Your spelling is atrocious – TTB had to do a fair amount of editing. Keep working on that. (Sorry, TTB knows you’re bleak and all, but that’s no reason to abuse the English language.)
PPS If you’re wondering whether you should go to the wedding or not, you should. Some advice for free: If you were an ex-boyfriend, TTB would say that the polite thing to do was to decline the invite feigning illness or a longstanding family engagement at your Great Aunt Muriel’s.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sutherland se staaltjies
Die Turkooise Sak (DTS) is met vakansie en praat nou net Afrikaans terwyl sy by haar ouma kuier. Ouma Jordaan maak by Sutherland se ouetehuis haar woning. DTS was lanklaas op die pragtige plattelandse dorpie en het met hierdie vakansie, opnuut haar liefde vir die platteland gevind. In haar kinderjare het sy ten minste een vakansie per jaar op die gesinsplaas, Geelhoek, deurgebring. Daar het sy en haar handsaksusters die hele plaas plat verken, die sterre bekyk en ‘n paar skape ook huistoe geja. As u suiwer Afrikaans verstaan en skryf, sal u asseblief die foute wat DTS in hierdie rubriek sal maak (of alreeds gemaak het!), verskoon. Haar rekenaarongeletterheid gaan ook te vore kom want sy weet glad nie hoe om al daardie aksente op die e’s and u’s te maak nie! U sal maar moet raai wanneer sy van se soos in “die handsak SE vakansie” en oor SE soos in praat skryf...
Die eerste ding wat ‘n handsak agterkom wanneer sy by Sutherland aanland is daai Namakwa-aksent was orals rondom haar is. Partykeer maak dit haar so deurmekaar want die ou mense loop verby haar ouma se woonstel en gesels en dan dink DTS, ouma praat met haar! Almal klink dieselfde! Of miskien het DTS so lanklaas ‘n goeie Namakwalander teegekom dat sy all vergeet het hoe hulle klink. (Die ouetehuis laat haar baie aan 7de Laan se Matrone se ou mensies dink.) Maar laat DTS ‘n bietjie oor die ouetehuis uitbrui. Sy het nou al vir Tannie Marie, die kerk se orreliste en haar ma se ou musiekonderwyseres ontmoet. Ouma het seker gemaak dat daar Dinsdag tyd was vir ‘n koppie koffie en ‘n kuiertjie voor middagete. Ouma sou mos in warm water gewees het as sy nie haar kleindogter vir Tannie Marie kom voorstel het nie! DTS het uitgevind dat Tannie Marie baie van Sutherland se restourante weet en sy het sommer fluks begin rondvra oor die beste plek vir ouma en DTS om te gaan uiteet.
Toe vind Tannie Dina uit dat DTS by Tannie Marie gaan kuier het en sy se toe vir ouma dat sy ook ‘n koppie koffie saam met DTS wil drink. Ons hele dag is rondom die koffie-drinkery vandag gederigeer. Maar hoe wonderlik toe ons daar aankom! Soet en suur beskuit en Tannie Dina se ouma se Klapperkoekies. (Haar ouma het dit nie gemaak nie – dis haar resep!) Die platteland is maar wonderlik anders. In die stad moet almal ‘n maand vooruit planne maak om saam ‘n koppie koffie te drink (en partykeer gaan dit meer oor hoe die koffie proe en nie oor die kuier nie). Hier drink tannies saam kitskoffie en eet ‘n paar tuisgebakte koekies en val sommer enige tyd by mekaar se huise in. (Soos Tannie van der Merwe wat nou net hier in geloer het om 'n bietjie biltong te kom afgee.) Op pad huis toe loop ons toe ou Oom Willem raak. Soos Oom Willem DTS se hand skud vertel hy haar dat “Mooi Nooi” haar nuwe bynaam by die Ouetehuis is. Sy dink sy moet miskien so bietjie langer hier bly. Baie goed vir haar selfbeeld...
Daar is nog ‘n paar “Sutherland se staaltjies” wat DTS graag wil vertel maar ouma wag met ‘n bord rys, vleis and aartappels. (Het u al ooit Sutherland se vleis geproe? U sal dink Pick ‘n Pay het jou al jare lank die verkeerde goed gevoer.) En DTS kan nie meer met die geur van die kos en die kol op haar maag skryf nie.
Tot volgende keer!
DTS
Die eerste ding wat ‘n handsak agterkom wanneer sy by Sutherland aanland is daai Namakwa-aksent was orals rondom haar is. Partykeer maak dit haar so deurmekaar want die ou mense loop verby haar ouma se woonstel en gesels en dan dink DTS, ouma praat met haar! Almal klink dieselfde! Of miskien het DTS so lanklaas ‘n goeie Namakwalander teegekom dat sy all vergeet het hoe hulle klink. (Die ouetehuis laat haar baie aan 7de Laan se Matrone se ou mensies dink.) Maar laat DTS ‘n bietjie oor die ouetehuis uitbrui. Sy het nou al vir Tannie Marie, die kerk se orreliste en haar ma se ou musiekonderwyseres ontmoet. Ouma het seker gemaak dat daar Dinsdag tyd was vir ‘n koppie koffie en ‘n kuiertjie voor middagete. Ouma sou mos in warm water gewees het as sy nie haar kleindogter vir Tannie Marie kom voorstel het nie! DTS het uitgevind dat Tannie Marie baie van Sutherland se restourante weet en sy het sommer fluks begin rondvra oor die beste plek vir ouma en DTS om te gaan uiteet.
Toe vind Tannie Dina uit dat DTS by Tannie Marie gaan kuier het en sy se toe vir ouma dat sy ook ‘n koppie koffie saam met DTS wil drink. Ons hele dag is rondom die koffie-drinkery vandag gederigeer. Maar hoe wonderlik toe ons daar aankom! Soet en suur beskuit en Tannie Dina se ouma se Klapperkoekies. (Haar ouma het dit nie gemaak nie – dis haar resep!) Die platteland is maar wonderlik anders. In die stad moet almal ‘n maand vooruit planne maak om saam ‘n koppie koffie te drink (en partykeer gaan dit meer oor hoe die koffie proe en nie oor die kuier nie). Hier drink tannies saam kitskoffie en eet ‘n paar tuisgebakte koekies en val sommer enige tyd by mekaar se huise in. (Soos Tannie van der Merwe wat nou net hier in geloer het om 'n bietjie biltong te kom afgee.) Op pad huis toe loop ons toe ou Oom Willem raak. Soos Oom Willem DTS se hand skud vertel hy haar dat “Mooi Nooi” haar nuwe bynaam by die Ouetehuis is. Sy dink sy moet miskien so bietjie langer hier bly. Baie goed vir haar selfbeeld...
Daar is nog ‘n paar “Sutherland se staaltjies” wat DTS graag wil vertel maar ouma wag met ‘n bord rys, vleis and aartappels. (Het u al ooit Sutherland se vleis geproe? U sal dink Pick ‘n Pay het jou al jare lank die verkeerde goed gevoer.) En DTS kan nie meer met die geur van die kos en die kol op haar maag skryf nie.
Tot volgende keer!
DTS
Monday, May 17, 2010
The trouble with having too many options
Dear TTB
I have a question about what to do when you have options of a few potential relationships. I mean how do you decide who to date? I kind of like all of them… Please help me!
Thanks
Girl-with-many-options
Dear Girl-with-many-options
You are indeed in a conundrum if you have more than one interested suitor. I have a few things to say about this topic.
1) You may be having delusions of hotness. Yes, it’s kind of like having a phantom pregnancy. You think all of these guys are interested in you when perhaps they really aren’t. Harsh, but true. So before you invest too much emotion and brain power into mulling this dilemma over, I would suggest that you make sure these briefcases are keen on you. Of course I am not suggesting that you aren’t attractive or that these briefcases aren’t in fact interested in being more than compadres. I am merely suggesting that you consider this as a possible option. Enough said.
2) A sure fire way of making sure these “options” are well, really, options is to use the Julianne-chasing Michael-chasing Kimmy test. Yes, it was inspired by my all time favourite flick: My Best Friend’s Wedding. (Julia and Everett, I <3 you!) So you know the scene where Julianne is trying to destroy the pending wedding of Kimmy and Michael and she calls George (the man we all wish was straight) and tells him of her latest failed plans and he in exasperation says, “Michael was chasing Kimmy and you were chasing Michael. Who was chasing you? Nobody!” There’s a lot to be learned from George’s observation. If the briefcase ain’t chasing you, he ain’t into you. And any kind of chasing from your side is a total waste of time. (This latter is just general advice – maybe doesn’t apply totally to your situation.) So are any of them sincerely pursuing you and making their intentions clear? Yes? You still have at least two suitors on your mind who fit this description? Then proceed to point 3.
3) Another great piece of TV advice that has stuck with me is the advice Mrs Camden gave Lucy Camden in one of the early seasons of 7th Heaven. (Yes, I admit I used to watch 7th Heaven. Bite me.) Anyway, so Lucy was being pursued by the hippie Rod and her straight-as-an-arrow former boyfriend, Jimmy Moon. Rod wrote her a ballad expressing his deep affection for her (it made absolutely no sense but was sweet nonetheless). Jimmy Moon said some speech or other, at any rate it was far less memorable then Rod’s luuuurve song. (if it were up to me, I would have chosen Rod!) After all this she couldn’t decide which one she was going to go out with. Eventually her mom gently tells her that if she can’t decide between the two of them, then she probably doesn’t really like either of them. So she rejects both of them and still ends up marrying the hot but VERY BORING fire fighter. (So unrealistic, but this is TV we’re talking about. Really, she should have stuck with Rod.) But the advice still rings true: if you can’t make up your mind because one of them doesn’t clearly stand out to you, it’s obvious you don’t want to be in a relationship with any of them.
Well, that’s all I have to say on that subject. Hope it all works out for the best!
Yours sincerely
TTB
I have a question about what to do when you have options of a few potential relationships. I mean how do you decide who to date? I kind of like all of them… Please help me!
Thanks
Girl-with-many-options
Dear Girl-with-many-options
You are indeed in a conundrum if you have more than one interested suitor. I have a few things to say about this topic.
1) You may be having delusions of hotness. Yes, it’s kind of like having a phantom pregnancy. You think all of these guys are interested in you when perhaps they really aren’t. Harsh, but true. So before you invest too much emotion and brain power into mulling this dilemma over, I would suggest that you make sure these briefcases are keen on you. Of course I am not suggesting that you aren’t attractive or that these briefcases aren’t in fact interested in being more than compadres. I am merely suggesting that you consider this as a possible option. Enough said.
2) A sure fire way of making sure these “options” are well, really, options is to use the Julianne-chasing Michael-chasing Kimmy test. Yes, it was inspired by my all time favourite flick: My Best Friend’s Wedding. (Julia and Everett, I <3 you!) So you know the scene where Julianne is trying to destroy the pending wedding of Kimmy and Michael and she calls George (the man we all wish was straight) and tells him of her latest failed plans and he in exasperation says, “Michael was chasing Kimmy and you were chasing Michael. Who was chasing you? Nobody!” There’s a lot to be learned from George’s observation. If the briefcase ain’t chasing you, he ain’t into you. And any kind of chasing from your side is a total waste of time. (This latter is just general advice – maybe doesn’t apply totally to your situation.) So are any of them sincerely pursuing you and making their intentions clear? Yes? You still have at least two suitors on your mind who fit this description? Then proceed to point 3.
3) Another great piece of TV advice that has stuck with me is the advice Mrs Camden gave Lucy Camden in one of the early seasons of 7th Heaven. (Yes, I admit I used to watch 7th Heaven. Bite me.) Anyway, so Lucy was being pursued by the hippie Rod and her straight-as-an-arrow former boyfriend, Jimmy Moon. Rod wrote her a ballad expressing his deep affection for her (it made absolutely no sense but was sweet nonetheless). Jimmy Moon said some speech or other, at any rate it was far less memorable then Rod’s luuuurve song. (if it were up to me, I would have chosen Rod!) After all this she couldn’t decide which one she was going to go out with. Eventually her mom gently tells her that if she can’t decide between the two of them, then she probably doesn’t really like either of them. So she rejects both of them and still ends up marrying the hot but VERY BORING fire fighter. (So unrealistic, but this is TV we’re talking about. Really, she should have stuck with Rod.) But the advice still rings true: if you can’t make up your mind because one of them doesn’t clearly stand out to you, it’s obvious you don’t want to be in a relationship with any of them.
Well, that’s all I have to say on that subject. Hope it all works out for the best!
Yours sincerely
TTB
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The trouble with being busy
TTB has been very, very busy in the last while. She’s been attending baby showers, bridal showers, weddings like they’re coming out of her ears. Yip, the matrimony bug continues to nab her friends! And babies are now definitely the rage. Don’t get TTB wrong she enjoys being busy and she does enjoy a good wedding reception but when it’s all happening at the same time along with all sorts of work commitments, well, then something’s gotta give! And the first thing that goes out the window is blogging! Yes, dear readers, the TTB is offering a heartfelt apology for her absence. (She knows she issued this last week in the midst of all the chaos but she’s saying it again.)
There haven’t been any earth shattering occurrences in the last while. A volcano erupted and is apparently still causing a bit of havoc with that volcanic ash cloud, but that’s old news. JZ has been in power for the last year. The new Durban Airport has experienced some shenanigans with messed up undercover fuel lines. Skandaal, skandaal. No one has accused anyone of touching them on their studio and doesn’t seem like there are any more of those annoying “bloody agents” running around. Thank goodness for that! As it appears, TTB’s loyal followers all seem to be in stable relationships or have run out of intelligent relational dilemmas to seek advice about. Surely this can’t be. But yes, TTB still awaits her next “agony aunt” moment. Dee, if you’re reading this, TTB has every intention of answering your question about whether handbags and briefcases can really be “just friends”. For now the jury is still out on that one and TTB is hoping to make an informed opinion shortly.
That leaves only mundane things to write about. Sorry. TTB follows the rule any good writer should: Write what you know. And at the moment all TTB knows is being very busy.
As TTB writes she listens to her Korean washing machine singing a little Korean folk song which can be loosely translated as: “Your washing is done. Your washing is done. Now get off your lazy ass and go and hang it up” and realises that being busy robs one of having the time to do boring (actually TTB doesn’t think laundry is boring) but necessary things like, laundry. Yes, dear friends one realises how very busy one is when you have to pop over to your nearest Woolworths to buy a few more clothes – not tastefully chosen but bought in desperation as there ain’t any clean ones left in the cupboard. Listen, just as an aside. TTB does not like wearing anything more than once and thinks that people who recycle clothes are simply: disgusting. Hence her obsession with clean clothes and laundry! Luckily she is safe for a good while. This load should keep her going for at least the next week.
As TTB surveys her cupboards in true Mother Hubbard style, she realises that she can’t quite remember the last time she saw the inside of the local Pick ‘n Pay. Yes, being busy also means that you neglect the weekly food shop. Actually as she ponders her last grocery shopping expedition, the memories of that fateful day all come flooding back to her. And she remembers the fabulous advice that resulted from this torment of a food shop, “If you are thinking of getting married and having babies – spend some time at a grocery store.” She generously gave this advice to a close friend considering marriage. You might wonder why TTB would suggest such a thing – so did her friend! Let her not keep you in the dark…
Aside from the usual moms with 10 toddlers in a trolley and a crying baby on the arm blocking the aisles, TTB was privy to a few situations which well should have been just that – private. TTB was minding her own business in the veggie department when she encountered an American couple having a full on domestic. It seems they were arguing about who was going to be the one to walk the walk of shame and purchase the very necessary supply of, um, how shall we say…prophylactics. (To use a very American term in honour of them.) At that point TTB thought that she may have just seen everything but, she was wrong. It seems that this couple may have been onto something as those toddlers do grow up into an awful species called “teenagers”. With the Americans still in earshot she meandered along trying to find some peace in the fruit section. But oh no! Right in front of the lemons there was another shocking interchange happening between a mother and her teenage daughter. Yip, they were also having a domestic in the middle of a grocery store which ended with the mother sarcastically shouting: “And now you’re shouting at me in the middle of the grocery store. How sweet!”
It was at this moment that TTB realised that she REALLY doesn’t like grocery shopping. But she really likes food and doesn’t really like being hungry. Fortunately there was one last decent meal left from that fateful day and as TTB munches away at the solitary Porterhouse steak that remained in her freezer and a few veggies (well past their sell by date but good enough still to eat due to all that genetic modification everyone whines about) she thinks that maybe all the babies and domestics are worth it? You know to just brave it and go grocery shopping. The conclusion being as follows: busyness is bad for one’s health. It leaves one blog entry-less, hungry and with a pile of dirty clothes. The only solution to this problem is to a) be less busy or b) find a house husband. Mmm. Maybe there is something to recommend this matrimony vibe?
Yours sincerely
TTB
There haven’t been any earth shattering occurrences in the last while. A volcano erupted and is apparently still causing a bit of havoc with that volcanic ash cloud, but that’s old news. JZ has been in power for the last year. The new Durban Airport has experienced some shenanigans with messed up undercover fuel lines. Skandaal, skandaal. No one has accused anyone of touching them on their studio and doesn’t seem like there are any more of those annoying “bloody agents” running around. Thank goodness for that! As it appears, TTB’s loyal followers all seem to be in stable relationships or have run out of intelligent relational dilemmas to seek advice about. Surely this can’t be. But yes, TTB still awaits her next “agony aunt” moment. Dee, if you’re reading this, TTB has every intention of answering your question about whether handbags and briefcases can really be “just friends”. For now the jury is still out on that one and TTB is hoping to make an informed opinion shortly.
That leaves only mundane things to write about. Sorry. TTB follows the rule any good writer should: Write what you know. And at the moment all TTB knows is being very busy.
As TTB writes she listens to her Korean washing machine singing a little Korean folk song which can be loosely translated as: “Your washing is done. Your washing is done. Now get off your lazy ass and go and hang it up” and realises that being busy robs one of having the time to do boring (actually TTB doesn’t think laundry is boring) but necessary things like, laundry. Yes, dear friends one realises how very busy one is when you have to pop over to your nearest Woolworths to buy a few more clothes – not tastefully chosen but bought in desperation as there ain’t any clean ones left in the cupboard. Listen, just as an aside. TTB does not like wearing anything more than once and thinks that people who recycle clothes are simply: disgusting. Hence her obsession with clean clothes and laundry! Luckily she is safe for a good while. This load should keep her going for at least the next week.
As TTB surveys her cupboards in true Mother Hubbard style, she realises that she can’t quite remember the last time she saw the inside of the local Pick ‘n Pay. Yes, being busy also means that you neglect the weekly food shop. Actually as she ponders her last grocery shopping expedition, the memories of that fateful day all come flooding back to her. And she remembers the fabulous advice that resulted from this torment of a food shop, “If you are thinking of getting married and having babies – spend some time at a grocery store.” She generously gave this advice to a close friend considering marriage. You might wonder why TTB would suggest such a thing – so did her friend! Let her not keep you in the dark…
Aside from the usual moms with 10 toddlers in a trolley and a crying baby on the arm blocking the aisles, TTB was privy to a few situations which well should have been just that – private. TTB was minding her own business in the veggie department when she encountered an American couple having a full on domestic. It seems they were arguing about who was going to be the one to walk the walk of shame and purchase the very necessary supply of, um, how shall we say…prophylactics. (To use a very American term in honour of them.) At that point TTB thought that she may have just seen everything but, she was wrong. It seems that this couple may have been onto something as those toddlers do grow up into an awful species called “teenagers”. With the Americans still in earshot she meandered along trying to find some peace in the fruit section. But oh no! Right in front of the lemons there was another shocking interchange happening between a mother and her teenage daughter. Yip, they were also having a domestic in the middle of a grocery store which ended with the mother sarcastically shouting: “And now you’re shouting at me in the middle of the grocery store. How sweet!”
It was at this moment that TTB realised that she REALLY doesn’t like grocery shopping. But she really likes food and doesn’t really like being hungry. Fortunately there was one last decent meal left from that fateful day and as TTB munches away at the solitary Porterhouse steak that remained in her freezer and a few veggies (well past their sell by date but good enough still to eat due to all that genetic modification everyone whines about) she thinks that maybe all the babies and domestics are worth it? You know to just brave it and go grocery shopping. The conclusion being as follows: busyness is bad for one’s health. It leaves one blog entry-less, hungry and with a pile of dirty clothes. The only solution to this problem is to a) be less busy or b) find a house husband. Mmm. Maybe there is something to recommend this matrimony vibe?
Yours sincerely
TTB
Monday, May 3, 2010
The trouble with the go-between
Dear The Turquoise Bag,
I've had a read through your blog and thought it would be fitting to write you on my little dilemma. I have a good friend of mine who confided in me about a woman that he liked and as any good friend I encouraged him to pursue her. He is very shy and so I took matters into my own hands in order to befriend this woman so as to introduce her to my friend. As luck would have it she befriended me and I introduced her to my friend but unfortunately she started to show signs that she was interested in me. This I only noticed once I had introduced them and withdrawn from the scene. I was prepared to talk to her but my friend said that he could never face her if I revealed the whole story and to leave it to him to explain. As it would be my friend never did and after only a few attempts at trying to pursue her, he seemed to give up. It has been several years and my friend has since said he is no longer interested in her.
Now my reason for this story is to put you into perspective of where I am currently. I happened to run into this aforementioned woman by chance at a coffee shop and I sat down to catch up with her. There was an awkwardness to the conversation which I believe may very well have to do with where we left off previously. We are both unattached so that is not an issue but we both have come out of serious relationships and I'm not sure if we are experiencing a “rebound” moment or if it has to do with what happened several years ago. I must admit that I have thought about it and I am not against the idea of us dating but I am concerned that it might be unwise considering our past and current states. I have met with her a couple of times now and I have a feeling that she may still wonder if something could happen between us and admittedly so do I. I believe that it may be an opportunity I will regret not taking if I past it by based on complications.
My question is, if you were this woman would you appreciate it if I explained to you why I did not make a move previously or would it be more appropriate to ask her out on a date and if she does bring up the subject to then say that I messed up? I'm still friends with the man who liked her and I wouldn't want to blacken his name or sound like I'm coming up with an excuse. As you can see I am in a bit of a spot and would appreciate a well informed woman's perspective.
Yours Sincerely,
Leonard
Dear Leonard
Thank you for reading my blog and for writing to me. Wow, what a story. So she’s the one that got away…from your friend? Mmm. Yes, it’s always complicated when friends are involved. I see that your question is ultimately whether you can spill the beans and tell this lovely lady about what had happened in the past? Although I have a feeling that you are actually asking a number of other questions. Actually, not a feeling, I can see that you are asking a number of questions and so I will certainly give you a woman’s perspective but I am going to make a few other comments on your situation.
Firstly, I think you are trying to decide if you’re going to defy the “the bro code” by getting involved with this girl. I am not really sure, since I am not a “bro”. It seems that you really care about your mate and don’t want his feelings to be hurt and that’s why you didn’t reveal (all those years ago) why you did not pursue the lady in question, out of respect for him. Well done! Bro’s before ho’s… That’s what I always say. Ok. Just kidding. (Eek. I’m probably going to get some hate mail from the feminists for writing that. Please forgive me – this is a humorous column as well and we handbags can’t take ourselves too seriously!) On a more serious note, I do think you have to consider your friend and be totally honest with him should you decide to ask her on a date. Since you say he’s not keen on her anymore, you probably out of the woods but best to come clean anyway. You would not want a friendship to sour over a relationship that might not even occur!
Ok, with that out of that way we can move onto the rebound issue. So, you just came out of a relationship, hey? Let me ask you one question: are you bored and need of some excitement? If the answer is yes, then don’t even think of asking her on a date. You’re wasting your time and hers. You need to get over the junk that happened in your last relationship and once you’re in the position where you have met someone and from the little you know of them, they seem like someone you could fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with, then only are you ready to start dating. But if this is just a notion of, “I’m bored, lonely and in need of companionship” – get yourself a dog. Any dating done for selfish reasons is doomed for failure... (This is the advice I would give the woman in question too, by the way.)
Now assuming you (and she) are in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship and you could genuinely see yourself in a forever type of relationship with her (the only one worth having) then I would have this to say about your question: let sleeping dogs lie. Don’t bring up all the stuff about your mate liking her and you acting (in good faith) as his agent in this scenario. Rather leave it until she brings it up – that is if she ever brings it up. Sometimes when we know of weird vibes that went down with someone of the opposite sex, we become overly aware of them and may see an awkwardness that does not exist. (I am not saying there isn’t awkwardness – just that you may be imagining it.) You may meet up for a date or 2, only to find there is no connection and then to go into all that history for nothing…
My rule of thumb is to always be honest but only on a “need to know” basis. She doesn’t need to know at this point why you didn’t pursue her all those years ago. Should you start seeing each other for real, I would then come clean in a matter of fact way – not making a big deal about it. I think it’s one of those things that you could have a chuckle about in the future? Not at the expense of your friend! When you do tell her (although I am sure is she has an EQ she will have figured out your mate liked her) do it in such a way that your friend is honoured in the conversation. Keep things simple in the beginning and if you have a lasting chemistry then your friend’s interest in her will not matter – probably just flatter her and make her think more highly of you for honouring him. I think a lesson that can be learned from this is to never act as the go-between in your friends’ love life pursuits. 9 out 10 times the girl thinks that go-between likes her. It creates massive headaches…
All the best and let me know how it goes. I enjoyed this question and am pleased that you’re thinking about women’s perceptions in these dilemma’s of life.
Yours sincerely
TTB
I've had a read through your blog and thought it would be fitting to write you on my little dilemma. I have a good friend of mine who confided in me about a woman that he liked and as any good friend I encouraged him to pursue her. He is very shy and so I took matters into my own hands in order to befriend this woman so as to introduce her to my friend. As luck would have it she befriended me and I introduced her to my friend but unfortunately she started to show signs that she was interested in me. This I only noticed once I had introduced them and withdrawn from the scene. I was prepared to talk to her but my friend said that he could never face her if I revealed the whole story and to leave it to him to explain. As it would be my friend never did and after only a few attempts at trying to pursue her, he seemed to give up. It has been several years and my friend has since said he is no longer interested in her.
Now my reason for this story is to put you into perspective of where I am currently. I happened to run into this aforementioned woman by chance at a coffee shop and I sat down to catch up with her. There was an awkwardness to the conversation which I believe may very well have to do with where we left off previously. We are both unattached so that is not an issue but we both have come out of serious relationships and I'm not sure if we are experiencing a “rebound” moment or if it has to do with what happened several years ago. I must admit that I have thought about it and I am not against the idea of us dating but I am concerned that it might be unwise considering our past and current states. I have met with her a couple of times now and I have a feeling that she may still wonder if something could happen between us and admittedly so do I. I believe that it may be an opportunity I will regret not taking if I past it by based on complications.
My question is, if you were this woman would you appreciate it if I explained to you why I did not make a move previously or would it be more appropriate to ask her out on a date and if she does bring up the subject to then say that I messed up? I'm still friends with the man who liked her and I wouldn't want to blacken his name or sound like I'm coming up with an excuse. As you can see I am in a bit of a spot and would appreciate a well informed woman's perspective.
Yours Sincerely,
Leonard
Dear Leonard
Thank you for reading my blog and for writing to me. Wow, what a story. So she’s the one that got away…from your friend? Mmm. Yes, it’s always complicated when friends are involved. I see that your question is ultimately whether you can spill the beans and tell this lovely lady about what had happened in the past? Although I have a feeling that you are actually asking a number of other questions. Actually, not a feeling, I can see that you are asking a number of questions and so I will certainly give you a woman’s perspective but I am going to make a few other comments on your situation.
Firstly, I think you are trying to decide if you’re going to defy the “the bro code” by getting involved with this girl. I am not really sure, since I am not a “bro”. It seems that you really care about your mate and don’t want his feelings to be hurt and that’s why you didn’t reveal (all those years ago) why you did not pursue the lady in question, out of respect for him. Well done! Bro’s before ho’s… That’s what I always say. Ok. Just kidding. (Eek. I’m probably going to get some hate mail from the feminists for writing that. Please forgive me – this is a humorous column as well and we handbags can’t take ourselves too seriously!) On a more serious note, I do think you have to consider your friend and be totally honest with him should you decide to ask her on a date. Since you say he’s not keen on her anymore, you probably out of the woods but best to come clean anyway. You would not want a friendship to sour over a relationship that might not even occur!
Ok, with that out of that way we can move onto the rebound issue. So, you just came out of a relationship, hey? Let me ask you one question: are you bored and need of some excitement? If the answer is yes, then don’t even think of asking her on a date. You’re wasting your time and hers. You need to get over the junk that happened in your last relationship and once you’re in the position where you have met someone and from the little you know of them, they seem like someone you could fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with, then only are you ready to start dating. But if this is just a notion of, “I’m bored, lonely and in need of companionship” – get yourself a dog. Any dating done for selfish reasons is doomed for failure... (This is the advice I would give the woman in question too, by the way.)
Now assuming you (and she) are in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship and you could genuinely see yourself in a forever type of relationship with her (the only one worth having) then I would have this to say about your question: let sleeping dogs lie. Don’t bring up all the stuff about your mate liking her and you acting (in good faith) as his agent in this scenario. Rather leave it until she brings it up – that is if she ever brings it up. Sometimes when we know of weird vibes that went down with someone of the opposite sex, we become overly aware of them and may see an awkwardness that does not exist. (I am not saying there isn’t awkwardness – just that you may be imagining it.) You may meet up for a date or 2, only to find there is no connection and then to go into all that history for nothing…
My rule of thumb is to always be honest but only on a “need to know” basis. She doesn’t need to know at this point why you didn’t pursue her all those years ago. Should you start seeing each other for real, I would then come clean in a matter of fact way – not making a big deal about it. I think it’s one of those things that you could have a chuckle about in the future? Not at the expense of your friend! When you do tell her (although I am sure is she has an EQ she will have figured out your mate liked her) do it in such a way that your friend is honoured in the conversation. Keep things simple in the beginning and if you have a lasting chemistry then your friend’s interest in her will not matter – probably just flatter her and make her think more highly of you for honouring him. I think a lesson that can be learned from this is to never act as the go-between in your friends’ love life pursuits. 9 out 10 times the girl thinks that go-between likes her. It creates massive headaches…
All the best and let me know how it goes. I enjoyed this question and am pleased that you’re thinking about women’s perceptions in these dilemma’s of life.
Yours sincerely
TTB
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The trouble with terrorism
TTB apologizes for her recent absence from the blogosphere. She’s been fighting illness in the family and corporate South Africa and broken computers and the likes. But she’s back and back with vengeance as she tackles another topic about those undeniable differences between men and women.
TTB was recently tasked with transporting enough food to feed a small, African country to a secret destination. Since TTB believes that the only carrying handbags ought to be doing is that of the beauty essentials: lip gloss, mirror, brush, perfume and of course a credit card (for some unplanned shopping!) she enlisted the assistance of 5 strong, young lads. After all, that’s the very reason briefcases were invented – to carry things! So, to keep her company she invited a lovely lady (because hanging out with so many briefcases without a wing woman can be very taxing.) TTB has taken this young handbag under her wing and has been showing her a thing or two about life. And this trip was to reveal one of the most important lessons a handbag can learn…
The morning progressed very well – the briefcases were very cooperative carrying 200 litres of ice-cream here and 150 litres of juice there. They really were first class carriers but as the morning wore on, the briefcases started becoming a little more vocal. A chirp here, a chirp there – you know, as briefcases do. TTB’s young ward started becoming more and more agitated by these sparring comments from the team of briefcases. At one point in response to one of the briefcases’ more out there comments, the Young Handbag (YH) muscled up a right-back-at-ya chirp. TTB smiled and walked off. The YH looked aghast and said, “How can you just ignore them?” TTB responded, “It’s a skill. Taken me 7 years to learn this!” Briefcase 1 smartly commented, “Well, if you can’t handle the heat, you better get out of the kitchen!” Briefcase 2 laughed and said, “No way, we don’t want them to ever leave the kitchen – the kitchen should be the handbag’s natural habitat!” YH’s jaw dropped and was about to say something that she was definitely going to regret when TTB gently took her aside and suggested a brisk walk to cool off.
“Young Handbag, let me teach you a survival techniques that will stand you in good stead.” YH nodded eagerly and TTB took her through the following life philosophy. For years and years, this handbag has been very hot-headed. She used to respond to every verbal duel that came her way. (Well, maybe ‘used to’ is a bit of an overstatement. Unfortunately she sometimes still falls for these traps and feels the need to go head to head with some thick-skinned oke.) Briefcases like to chirp handbags. (At least those of the South African variety do.) Generally these comments have some sexist overtone and then they wait for the handbag to get all up in arms and then the fun really begins... Recently she has realised that responding to these challenges by briefcases – who are generally far less invested in whatever topic they try to lure you into discussion about – is utterly pointless. Yes, dear YH, the point of these verbal duels is not to have a fair debate about the topic. Oh no, most of the time it is a game of who can come up with the wittiest response and how quickly said briefcase can send said handbag into a froth of anger. And this is where one of the most fundamental differences between briefcases and handbags come into play.
Briefcases can generally keep going at this game of verbal one-upmanship for months without getting the least bit phased or emotional. (Ok, we’re talking generally. Please don’t write to me about how you’re a really sensitive briefcase and how you’re offended by TTB’s assumptions here. GENERALLY. Generally. Get it? If you’re a sensitive briefcase who only speaks nice, kind words to handbags then please write to TTB. She thinks such rare specimens are like lank eligible, bru.) On the other hand, handbags who engage in these pointless conversations (primarily started for the pleasure of the briefcase) eventually get emotional – annoyed, angry and well, a bit sensitive. (Again, generally this is what occurs. There are those rare handbags who can rebut any briefcase and seem totally calm while she’s at it. Please don’t write me either as I have made allowance for your case also.) What is the result? The content of the debate is irrelevant; the true winner in this duel is the one who remains calm and unrattled (almost always the briefcase) and the loser leaves the conversation irritated and with higher blood pressure (almost always the handbag). So the real moral of the story is to let duelling be left to men. After all, that’s what chivalry was all about back in the day when it was more prevalent…
After all this explanation, the YH turned to TTB and said, “But, I still don’t understand!” TTB sighed and then the perfect analogy dawned on her. “YH, imagine that you are the U.S. Government.” YH nodded eagerly. “And imagine that Briefcase 1 over there is a terrorist.” YH looks a bit confused but agrees to imagine such a thing. “Imagine that the terrorist has a list of demands of the U.S. What should the U.S. Government do?” “Well, I’m not really sure?” said YH. “They should ignore them,” TTB said bluntly. “Why?” asked YH. “It’s very simple: negotiating with terrorists gives them the impression that they have some influence over that independent state’s affairs. The best thing to do is to ignore their demands and eventually they’ll lose interest. You see it’s not about the actual thing they may want – like the content of the conversation we discussed earlier. It’s the attention they receive and the impact it makes on that nation that keeps their terrorism thriving. That’s basic psychology for you.” “Mmm, I don’t think I understand where you’re going with this,” lamented the unconvinced YH. “Ok, think about one of those dreadful action flicks that you’ve watched. What do the U.S. Government never do when terrorist are involved in well, acts of terror?” Suddenly and with absolute delight the Young Handbag came to one of the most fundamental epiphanies any strong-willed handbag should have, “They never negotiate with terrorists!”
And neither should you!
Yours sincerely
TTB
TTB was recently tasked with transporting enough food to feed a small, African country to a secret destination. Since TTB believes that the only carrying handbags ought to be doing is that of the beauty essentials: lip gloss, mirror, brush, perfume and of course a credit card (for some unplanned shopping!) she enlisted the assistance of 5 strong, young lads. After all, that’s the very reason briefcases were invented – to carry things! So, to keep her company she invited a lovely lady (because hanging out with so many briefcases without a wing woman can be very taxing.) TTB has taken this young handbag under her wing and has been showing her a thing or two about life. And this trip was to reveal one of the most important lessons a handbag can learn…
The morning progressed very well – the briefcases were very cooperative carrying 200 litres of ice-cream here and 150 litres of juice there. They really were first class carriers but as the morning wore on, the briefcases started becoming a little more vocal. A chirp here, a chirp there – you know, as briefcases do. TTB’s young ward started becoming more and more agitated by these sparring comments from the team of briefcases. At one point in response to one of the briefcases’ more out there comments, the Young Handbag (YH) muscled up a right-back-at-ya chirp. TTB smiled and walked off. The YH looked aghast and said, “How can you just ignore them?” TTB responded, “It’s a skill. Taken me 7 years to learn this!” Briefcase 1 smartly commented, “Well, if you can’t handle the heat, you better get out of the kitchen!” Briefcase 2 laughed and said, “No way, we don’t want them to ever leave the kitchen – the kitchen should be the handbag’s natural habitat!” YH’s jaw dropped and was about to say something that she was definitely going to regret when TTB gently took her aside and suggested a brisk walk to cool off.
“Young Handbag, let me teach you a survival techniques that will stand you in good stead.” YH nodded eagerly and TTB took her through the following life philosophy. For years and years, this handbag has been very hot-headed. She used to respond to every verbal duel that came her way. (Well, maybe ‘used to’ is a bit of an overstatement. Unfortunately she sometimes still falls for these traps and feels the need to go head to head with some thick-skinned oke.) Briefcases like to chirp handbags. (At least those of the South African variety do.) Generally these comments have some sexist overtone and then they wait for the handbag to get all up in arms and then the fun really begins... Recently she has realised that responding to these challenges by briefcases – who are generally far less invested in whatever topic they try to lure you into discussion about – is utterly pointless. Yes, dear YH, the point of these verbal duels is not to have a fair debate about the topic. Oh no, most of the time it is a game of who can come up with the wittiest response and how quickly said briefcase can send said handbag into a froth of anger. And this is where one of the most fundamental differences between briefcases and handbags come into play.
Briefcases can generally keep going at this game of verbal one-upmanship for months without getting the least bit phased or emotional. (Ok, we’re talking generally. Please don’t write to me about how you’re a really sensitive briefcase and how you’re offended by TTB’s assumptions here. GENERALLY. Generally. Get it? If you’re a sensitive briefcase who only speaks nice, kind words to handbags then please write to TTB. She thinks such rare specimens are like lank eligible, bru.) On the other hand, handbags who engage in these pointless conversations (primarily started for the pleasure of the briefcase) eventually get emotional – annoyed, angry and well, a bit sensitive. (Again, generally this is what occurs. There are those rare handbags who can rebut any briefcase and seem totally calm while she’s at it. Please don’t write me either as I have made allowance for your case also.) What is the result? The content of the debate is irrelevant; the true winner in this duel is the one who remains calm and unrattled (almost always the briefcase) and the loser leaves the conversation irritated and with higher blood pressure (almost always the handbag). So the real moral of the story is to let duelling be left to men. After all, that’s what chivalry was all about back in the day when it was more prevalent…
After all this explanation, the YH turned to TTB and said, “But, I still don’t understand!” TTB sighed and then the perfect analogy dawned on her. “YH, imagine that you are the U.S. Government.” YH nodded eagerly. “And imagine that Briefcase 1 over there is a terrorist.” YH looks a bit confused but agrees to imagine such a thing. “Imagine that the terrorist has a list of demands of the U.S. What should the U.S. Government do?” “Well, I’m not really sure?” said YH. “They should ignore them,” TTB said bluntly. “Why?” asked YH. “It’s very simple: negotiating with terrorists gives them the impression that they have some influence over that independent state’s affairs. The best thing to do is to ignore their demands and eventually they’ll lose interest. You see it’s not about the actual thing they may want – like the content of the conversation we discussed earlier. It’s the attention they receive and the impact it makes on that nation that keeps their terrorism thriving. That’s basic psychology for you.” “Mmm, I don’t think I understand where you’re going with this,” lamented the unconvinced YH. “Ok, think about one of those dreadful action flicks that you’ve watched. What do the U.S. Government never do when terrorist are involved in well, acts of terror?” Suddenly and with absolute delight the Young Handbag came to one of the most fundamental epiphanies any strong-willed handbag should have, “They never negotiate with terrorists!”
And neither should you!
Yours sincerely
TTB
Monday, April 5, 2010
The trouble with children’s thoughts…
…is that they are so amusing and often have more honest insight into the complexities of relationships than adults would like to admit! TTB recently came across these priceless responses by some handbags and briefcases in the making:
How do you decide who to marry?
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
- Kristen (Aged 10)
How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick (Aged 8)
What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
Both don’t want any more kids.
- Lori (Aged 8)
What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynette (Aged 8)
On a first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin (Aged 10)
When is it okay to kiss someone?
When they’re rich…
- Pam (Aged 7)
Hope this made you smile. Until next time!
TTB
How do you decide who to marry?
No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
- Kristen (Aged 10)
How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick (Aged 8)
What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
Both don’t want any more kids.
- Lori (Aged 8)
What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynette (Aged 8)
On a first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin (Aged 10)
When is it okay to kiss someone?
When they’re rich…
- Pam (Aged 7)
Hope this made you smile. Until next time!
TTB
Monday, March 22, 2010
The trouble with romance
Dear TTB
Yesterday I went on my first date with…well…I’m not really sure what to call him. I guess, he’s my friend but he is heading towards becoming my boyfriend. Maybe we’re in Bermuda? Anyhow, I am sure you are going to be so horrified by this and I really need your advice about what to do next. He took me to McDonald’s! I was so shocked. Of all the places in the world, he took me to McDonald’s! I had dressed up and everything. We had a good time but I’m just not sure if this should go any further. I mean he is obviously not romantic and probably doesn’t understand me since he took me to the most unromantic restaurant IN THE WORLD! (Can I even call it a restaurant?) Is this relationship doomed? Should I jump ship now? How should I tell him that I don’t want to see him again?
Thanks for taking the time to write back to me.
From
Girl looking for romance
Dear Girl looking for romance
Good on you for going on a date! I am sorry to hear that it did not meet your expectations. Firstly I must ask you a few questions before advising you on this situation. Did he collect you for the evening or arrange to meet you somewhere that was convenient for you? Did he open doors for you and allow you to order first? Did he make good conversation and show an interest in your life? Did you have fun? Did he make sure you got home safely? If you answered mostly no to the questions above: jump ship. If mostly yes, then I think your date was probably far more successful than you think!
Often relationships start off with dramatic shows of “romance”: dinner at The Vineyard, dozens of red roses and tons of Lindt Chocolate, only to crash and burn ending in a break up at McDonald’s. (Because no one wants to pay for a break up meal at the Five Flies) The classic charmer type engages in this sort of extravagance. Believe me, you want to stay well away from those types! They are in it for the chase and once the excitement has worn off they become bored and flit off to their latest conquest. Handbags are usually totally taken by their charm and end up smitten and then ultimately heartbroken. You my dear, should be in search of salt of the earth type. Not a charmer. Aside from learning the difference between the illustrious charmer and the wonderful salt of the earth type, I also think you need to rethink what your concept of romance is.
Handbags the world over have some very strange ideas about what romance is. I do pity briefcases. Handbags sometimes have the most impossible demands in the quest to feel “romanced”. I am afraid to say I have a feeling that you might be one of these impossible handbags. I hope I am wrong but if I am correct, do not fear The Turquoise Bag is here! My aim is to reform your ideas in just one blog entry! As Maria von Trapp pointed out, it’s always best to start at the very beginning and I am sure she would point us in the direction of a good, old dictionary to find out what romance is? The Oxford Dictionary defines romance as, “a general term that refers to the attempt to express love with words and deeds.” (Note here that the definition does not include spending oodles of cash on expensive restaurants.) It’s all about the Facta et Verba. Now ask yourself the question: Can this briefcase truly be in love with me in such a short space of time? The short answer is: no! Can you thus have an expectation of him to be expressing this sort of romantic love if he’s just getting to know you? NO! So TTB thinks, my dear, that it’s really you who needs the wake up call and not him!
Handbags and briefcases sometimes fall into the trap of being in love with well, being in love. (This is classic charmer psychology.) They like the wining and dining, the chasing or being pursued, they love sending the roses and receiving them, they LOVE LOVE LOVE the flirting in those early days of getting to know each other. But do they love the other person? Nope. Will they ever love the other person? Nope. Why? Because this sort of narcissistic, “romantic” dating is all about me, me, me and my selfish desires to feel like someone dotes on me. In this case the so-called “romance” is just a tool to make someone feel in love as opposed to loving someone and then becoming more romantic as you get to know them. It’s the wrong way round! Don’t fall into this trap of confusing the two. It’s so much better to start off with a first date in McDonald’s and end with a romantic engagement at (insert your favourite place for a perfect engagement)! As opposed to the alternative I suggested earlier of starting off feeling “romanced” but ending up heartbroken.
Romance is not a briefcase emptying his piggy bank to take you to the most expensive restaurant – that’s just foolishness! Romance is not remembering every single anniversary. (Some handbags get very carried away with this. They want to commemorate the day they met, the day they started dating, the day they first said those 3 magic words, never mind important dates like that of your wedding…I mean, really it gets a bit much.) And the poor old briefcases get terrible tongue lashings or a bout of the silent treatment - depending on what sort of handbag she is - should these VID’s (very important dates) be forgotten. Romance is not red roses, expensive gifts and tons of chocolate. I don’t think it is anything tangible (or fattening for that matter). In fact this kind of wining, dining and chocolating is very bad for any handbags’ BMI…
Now, you might be wondering if TTB has a vendetta against romance. Let TTB be very clear: she is very in favour of handbags being romanced by the salt of the earth type, provided this happens in the correct order, first love then romance. So now you’re thinking, “Okay, TTB thanks for telling me how useless my ideas about romance is, but can you tell me what romance is after your exposition of what it isn’t.” Well, it’s difficult to say what form romance will take in your relationship because it’s very dependent on who you are and what you appreciate. For some people who find themselves in the uppermost socioeconomic group, romance may include expensive restaurants and fine wine. For others it’s letter writing, or speeches of words of affection or finding a single flower pinned to your front door. The long and the short of it is that romance is about being thoughtful and intentional about spending time together and doing the simple things that you know will be appreciated by the other person and remind them that you love them. TTB is just going to reiterate that the love already has to be there it can’t be conjured up by these displays of romance. (TTB believes in repetition, repetition, repetition!)
In conclusion, it’s about the quality of the time and not the quality of the food. If you’re looking for fine dining and wining, you had better find yourself a Donald Trump. (I am not convinced that this would be a good option particularly as he has told young Tiger to continue being a playboy. Honestly.) So, my advice is give this briefcase a chance. Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you are meant for each other, the romance will come all on its own once you are really falling in love. Manners maketh the man; not the restaurant he takes you to.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS I happen to be a big fan of the golden arches. Just an indulgence every now and then especially when I find myself in Pinelands. Or back in Asia and need something a little Western to remind me of home so don’t write me again if you haven’t anything good to say about Ronald McDonald and his team.
PPS. Stop worrying about being in Bermuda. Clearly you’re not, because he asked you out on a date. Asking girls out on dates takes some guts, courage and determination. Do you honestly think this briefcase would be putting himself out there and asking you out if he wasn’t keen? Hang onto him – sounds like a keeper!
Yesterday I went on my first date with…well…I’m not really sure what to call him. I guess, he’s my friend but he is heading towards becoming my boyfriend. Maybe we’re in Bermuda? Anyhow, I am sure you are going to be so horrified by this and I really need your advice about what to do next. He took me to McDonald’s! I was so shocked. Of all the places in the world, he took me to McDonald’s! I had dressed up and everything. We had a good time but I’m just not sure if this should go any further. I mean he is obviously not romantic and probably doesn’t understand me since he took me to the most unromantic restaurant IN THE WORLD! (Can I even call it a restaurant?) Is this relationship doomed? Should I jump ship now? How should I tell him that I don’t want to see him again?
Thanks for taking the time to write back to me.
From
Girl looking for romance
Dear Girl looking for romance
Good on you for going on a date! I am sorry to hear that it did not meet your expectations. Firstly I must ask you a few questions before advising you on this situation. Did he collect you for the evening or arrange to meet you somewhere that was convenient for you? Did he open doors for you and allow you to order first? Did he make good conversation and show an interest in your life? Did you have fun? Did he make sure you got home safely? If you answered mostly no to the questions above: jump ship. If mostly yes, then I think your date was probably far more successful than you think!
Often relationships start off with dramatic shows of “romance”: dinner at The Vineyard, dozens of red roses and tons of Lindt Chocolate, only to crash and burn ending in a break up at McDonald’s. (Because no one wants to pay for a break up meal at the Five Flies) The classic charmer type engages in this sort of extravagance. Believe me, you want to stay well away from those types! They are in it for the chase and once the excitement has worn off they become bored and flit off to their latest conquest. Handbags are usually totally taken by their charm and end up smitten and then ultimately heartbroken. You my dear, should be in search of salt of the earth type. Not a charmer. Aside from learning the difference between the illustrious charmer and the wonderful salt of the earth type, I also think you need to rethink what your concept of romance is.
Handbags the world over have some very strange ideas about what romance is. I do pity briefcases. Handbags sometimes have the most impossible demands in the quest to feel “romanced”. I am afraid to say I have a feeling that you might be one of these impossible handbags. I hope I am wrong but if I am correct, do not fear The Turquoise Bag is here! My aim is to reform your ideas in just one blog entry! As Maria von Trapp pointed out, it’s always best to start at the very beginning and I am sure she would point us in the direction of a good, old dictionary to find out what romance is? The Oxford Dictionary defines romance as, “a general term that refers to the attempt to express love with words and deeds.” (Note here that the definition does not include spending oodles of cash on expensive restaurants.) It’s all about the Facta et Verba. Now ask yourself the question: Can this briefcase truly be in love with me in such a short space of time? The short answer is: no! Can you thus have an expectation of him to be expressing this sort of romantic love if he’s just getting to know you? NO! So TTB thinks, my dear, that it’s really you who needs the wake up call and not him!
Handbags and briefcases sometimes fall into the trap of being in love with well, being in love. (This is classic charmer psychology.) They like the wining and dining, the chasing or being pursued, they love sending the roses and receiving them, they LOVE LOVE LOVE the flirting in those early days of getting to know each other. But do they love the other person? Nope. Will they ever love the other person? Nope. Why? Because this sort of narcissistic, “romantic” dating is all about me, me, me and my selfish desires to feel like someone dotes on me. In this case the so-called “romance” is just a tool to make someone feel in love as opposed to loving someone and then becoming more romantic as you get to know them. It’s the wrong way round! Don’t fall into this trap of confusing the two. It’s so much better to start off with a first date in McDonald’s and end with a romantic engagement at (insert your favourite place for a perfect engagement)! As opposed to the alternative I suggested earlier of starting off feeling “romanced” but ending up heartbroken.
Romance is not a briefcase emptying his piggy bank to take you to the most expensive restaurant – that’s just foolishness! Romance is not remembering every single anniversary. (Some handbags get very carried away with this. They want to commemorate the day they met, the day they started dating, the day they first said those 3 magic words, never mind important dates like that of your wedding…I mean, really it gets a bit much.) And the poor old briefcases get terrible tongue lashings or a bout of the silent treatment - depending on what sort of handbag she is - should these VID’s (very important dates) be forgotten. Romance is not red roses, expensive gifts and tons of chocolate. I don’t think it is anything tangible (or fattening for that matter). In fact this kind of wining, dining and chocolating is very bad for any handbags’ BMI…
Now, you might be wondering if TTB has a vendetta against romance. Let TTB be very clear: she is very in favour of handbags being romanced by the salt of the earth type, provided this happens in the correct order, first love then romance. So now you’re thinking, “Okay, TTB thanks for telling me how useless my ideas about romance is, but can you tell me what romance is after your exposition of what it isn’t.” Well, it’s difficult to say what form romance will take in your relationship because it’s very dependent on who you are and what you appreciate. For some people who find themselves in the uppermost socioeconomic group, romance may include expensive restaurants and fine wine. For others it’s letter writing, or speeches of words of affection or finding a single flower pinned to your front door. The long and the short of it is that romance is about being thoughtful and intentional about spending time together and doing the simple things that you know will be appreciated by the other person and remind them that you love them. TTB is just going to reiterate that the love already has to be there it can’t be conjured up by these displays of romance. (TTB believes in repetition, repetition, repetition!)
In conclusion, it’s about the quality of the time and not the quality of the food. If you’re looking for fine dining and wining, you had better find yourself a Donald Trump. (I am not convinced that this would be a good option particularly as he has told young Tiger to continue being a playboy. Honestly.) So, my advice is give this briefcase a chance. Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you are meant for each other, the romance will come all on its own once you are really falling in love. Manners maketh the man; not the restaurant he takes you to.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS I happen to be a big fan of the golden arches. Just an indulgence every now and then especially when I find myself in Pinelands. Or back in Asia and need something a little Western to remind me of home so don’t write me again if you haven’t anything good to say about Ronald McDonald and his team.
PPS. Stop worrying about being in Bermuda. Clearly you’re not, because he asked you out on a date. Asking girls out on dates takes some guts, courage and determination. Do you honestly think this briefcase would be putting himself out there and asking you out if he wasn’t keen? Hang onto him – sounds like a keeper!
The trouble with Feminism
Dear Readers
TTB has recently been accused of being a feminist by some briefcases. She wants to make it very clear that she is not a feminist. Just a handbag who tells it like it is. She is totally on the side of love (and wearing bra’s) and acknowledges that sometimes handbags are a real pain, as are briefcases. She doesn’t think that handbags are perfect or superior in anyway. (If you’re a briefcase and you’re reading this – don’t get all excited and think that TTB is by default saying that briefcases are superior. She doesn’t believe that either) Just different. And sometimes (wait, who is TTB fooling, most times) they just don’t understand each other. So the purpose of this blog is to make handbags think before they let their emotions get the better of them and to make briefcases (who happen to stumble across this blog) consider wising up with a bit of Emotional Intelligence.
Yours sincerely and on the side of better handbag-briefcase relations,
TTB
TTB has recently been accused of being a feminist by some briefcases. She wants to make it very clear that she is not a feminist. Just a handbag who tells it like it is. She is totally on the side of love (and wearing bra’s) and acknowledges that sometimes handbags are a real pain, as are briefcases. She doesn’t think that handbags are perfect or superior in anyway. (If you’re a briefcase and you’re reading this – don’t get all excited and think that TTB is by default saying that briefcases are superior. She doesn’t believe that either) Just different. And sometimes (wait, who is TTB fooling, most times) they just don’t understand each other. So the purpose of this blog is to make handbags think before they let their emotions get the better of them and to make briefcases (who happen to stumble across this blog) consider wising up with a bit of Emotional Intelligence.
Yours sincerely and on the side of better handbag-briefcase relations,
TTB
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The trouble with being homeless and unemployed
TTB has enjoyed a frivolous break from the serious but is back in the saddle tackling social issues and turns her attention this week to homelessness and unemployment.
As you may know, The Turquoise Bag spent 4 months last year as a nomad and had a taste of what ‘homelessness’ was like. Well, not really, she always had a roof over her head provided by her kind friends and family but this sojourn reignited a passion for the plight of the homeless and unemployed. So when she read an article the other day in The Tatler about CID (which stands for City Improvement District) she was horrified to read that part of the mandate of UCT’s CID project was “management of the homeless”. Management of the homeless, I say. Whoever thought of such a concept? It sounded as if this group was proposing setting up a business called Homeless Incorporated and were going to set about well, managing homeless people. Mmmm… TTB does not think the homeless need ‘managing’ (which is really just a euphemism for “making sure the homeless find another suburb to bother”) but they do need homes!
During this nomadic time of utter chaos and moving from house to house as documented in her entry ‘The trouble with being unthankful’, TTB really learned to be ever so thankful for having a house, running water and transport. You see, it’s once your life’s routine is thrown out the back window that you realize how very nice that front door is that you have – however humble it may appear to your covetous eyes. For a long time TTB has been considering this issue of poverty. This blog entry is by no means a definitive exposition of that hefty question: Why there is suffering in the world? C.S. Lewis can definitely say a whole lot more than she can on this subject. The philosophy of suffering would take an age to understand and even then we would still be lost for answers. However the more and more TTB lives in this uncertain world, the more this handbag clutches (pardon the pun!) onto the one thing she is sure of: God has the answers to it all! So, TTB has been humbly asking God to show him some of His ways to change this world.
One only has to drive around the streets of Cape Town for half an hour to find that there are hundreds of thousands of homeless and unemployed people living on the streets. If TTB were to give 1 South African raant to every homeless person she encounters, she’d be bankrupt within a few days! So then, what is a handbag to do? After all handing out a raant here and there might actually do more damage than good to most street people by perpetuating this lifestyle of living on the streets and drug and alcohol dependency. She does not think that all homeless people are on the streets by choice or because of substance abuse. Bad circumstances and a fallen world are often to blame. In fact she is happy to admit that her research into the reasons for why homeless people end up on the streets is very limited. Either way, handing out money to people on the side of the road is not a sustainable solution.
She has been particularly inspired by the work several people she knows have been doing with an organization called U-turn. U-turn has several projects on the go that have a sound philosophy of rehabilitation of street people underpinning it. U-turn uses a 3 step plan: making contact, rehabilitation and reintegration. One of the ways they have endeavoured to make contact with street people is through meal and clothing vouchers. A pack of 5 meal/clothing vouchers is sold at R20 at outlets around the city like The Engen Garage in Main Road, Claremont or Juta Stores in Dreyer Street. Vouchers can also be bought from the U-turn website. Recognising that many people like TTB often want to do something practical for street people but end up giving them money out of guilt or by default, U-turn sells vouchers that can be given to the homeless and then redeemed by them at the U-turn warehouse. They can use these vouchers for food or for an item of clothing and this also works as a means for street people to be introduced to U-turn and if they are willing to make changes, work with the organization to better their lives. Thus, people who genuinely want help are being assisted.
TTB thinks this a great way for people of the public who have a heart for the poor and want to help them in a constructive way to get involved. This way, you are contributing to a reputable organization that is not working on a “hand out” system and thus never encourages change in the individual nor are you giving money to someone who may lack the responsibility to use it for food. Purchasing meal vouchers ahead of time, also means that you are being intentional about caring for the poor and will not hand out cash at the next robot because you are guilt-ridden. Your guilt because of your abundance won’t make a difference anyway! But your cheerful generosity will! Check out their website: www.homeless.org.za
As you may know, The Turquoise Bag spent 4 months last year as a nomad and had a taste of what ‘homelessness’ was like. Well, not really, she always had a roof over her head provided by her kind friends and family but this sojourn reignited a passion for the plight of the homeless and unemployed. So when she read an article the other day in The Tatler about CID (which stands for City Improvement District) she was horrified to read that part of the mandate of UCT’s CID project was “management of the homeless”. Management of the homeless, I say. Whoever thought of such a concept? It sounded as if this group was proposing setting up a business called Homeless Incorporated and were going to set about well, managing homeless people. Mmmm… TTB does not think the homeless need ‘managing’ (which is really just a euphemism for “making sure the homeless find another suburb to bother”) but they do need homes!
During this nomadic time of utter chaos and moving from house to house as documented in her entry ‘The trouble with being unthankful’, TTB really learned to be ever so thankful for having a house, running water and transport. You see, it’s once your life’s routine is thrown out the back window that you realize how very nice that front door is that you have – however humble it may appear to your covetous eyes. For a long time TTB has been considering this issue of poverty. This blog entry is by no means a definitive exposition of that hefty question: Why there is suffering in the world? C.S. Lewis can definitely say a whole lot more than she can on this subject. The philosophy of suffering would take an age to understand and even then we would still be lost for answers. However the more and more TTB lives in this uncertain world, the more this handbag clutches (pardon the pun!) onto the one thing she is sure of: God has the answers to it all! So, TTB has been humbly asking God to show him some of His ways to change this world.
One only has to drive around the streets of Cape Town for half an hour to find that there are hundreds of thousands of homeless and unemployed people living on the streets. If TTB were to give 1 South African raant to every homeless person she encounters, she’d be bankrupt within a few days! So then, what is a handbag to do? After all handing out a raant here and there might actually do more damage than good to most street people by perpetuating this lifestyle of living on the streets and drug and alcohol dependency. She does not think that all homeless people are on the streets by choice or because of substance abuse. Bad circumstances and a fallen world are often to blame. In fact she is happy to admit that her research into the reasons for why homeless people end up on the streets is very limited. Either way, handing out money to people on the side of the road is not a sustainable solution.
She has been particularly inspired by the work several people she knows have been doing with an organization called U-turn. U-turn has several projects on the go that have a sound philosophy of rehabilitation of street people underpinning it. U-turn uses a 3 step plan: making contact, rehabilitation and reintegration. One of the ways they have endeavoured to make contact with street people is through meal and clothing vouchers. A pack of 5 meal/clothing vouchers is sold at R20 at outlets around the city like The Engen Garage in Main Road, Claremont or Juta Stores in Dreyer Street. Vouchers can also be bought from the U-turn website. Recognising that many people like TTB often want to do something practical for street people but end up giving them money out of guilt or by default, U-turn sells vouchers that can be given to the homeless and then redeemed by them at the U-turn warehouse. They can use these vouchers for food or for an item of clothing and this also works as a means for street people to be introduced to U-turn and if they are willing to make changes, work with the organization to better their lives. Thus, people who genuinely want help are being assisted.
TTB thinks this a great way for people of the public who have a heart for the poor and want to help them in a constructive way to get involved. This way, you are contributing to a reputable organization that is not working on a “hand out” system and thus never encourages change in the individual nor are you giving money to someone who may lack the responsibility to use it for food. Purchasing meal vouchers ahead of time, also means that you are being intentional about caring for the poor and will not hand out cash at the next robot because you are guilt-ridden. Your guilt because of your abundance won’t make a difference anyway! But your cheerful generosity will! Check out their website: www.homeless.org.za
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The trouble with being "Seventeen Again"
Dear TTB
My boyfriend of 2 years recently started working. I have been so excited for him to enter the working world as I was hoping that we would be able to settle down and get married. But I was so wrong. He has started spending more and more time partying, hanging out with “the guys” and just wanting to have fun. He gets very annoyed if I suggest that we do anything other than hang around in studenty spots – places we haven’t been to in the last 3 years - and devotes much of his weekend and sometimes even week nights to the pastimes he had when we were first year UCT students! What do you think, I should do? Give him an ultimatum to cease this silly behaviour and propose?
From
I-want-to-get-married-girl
Dear I-want-to-get-married-girl
Oh dear, TTB can only imagine what your weekends have turned into hanging out in classless clubs and pubs! She does sympathize with you for that. It seems your significant other has a very virulent case of “Seventeen Again”. Yes, it’s Matthew Perry wanting to be Zac Efron…
The long and the short of it is: briefcases are presented with the real world and have a sudden crisis when they realize that their chilled out student life with 3 months holiday has been replaced with bills, medical aid, retirement annuities, long work hours and 15 days of annual leave! It is kind of a bummer, don’t you think? They dream of their former glory days where they used to play touch on the Kopano fields, go pub golfing, stay out late and sleep all day. So they try to recreate this happy time of freedom and fun. It doesn’t last too long. For the Average Joe – just a few months while they transition and find their feet at work or accept that the partying and a 9 – 5 job leads to exhaustion and grumpiness. They soon realize that while this new phase might be more restrictive on their time, it does afford them financial independence and purpose to get up in the morning!
The WORST thing you can do is give your briefcase an ultimatum to stop being “Seventeen Again” and buy you a flashy diamond ring. That will just bring out more of the Zac and less of the Matt. And you don’t want to be dating Zac for any longer than you need to (even if he’s a hottie). It seems you are ready to settle down but he clearly isn’t. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t going to change that. Besides, do you really want to ultimatum someone into proposing to you? This has got to be a "he goes 90 you go 10" scenario. Setting ultimatums is just doing too much work!
If he was one of those unemployed hedonists hanging out with different 18 year old girls every week and jolling until all hours of the morning, TTB would issue a “Dump him before he can say Zac Efron” decree. That’s the worst case of “Seventeen Again” and TTB has little hope that those types she likes to call “Peter Pan’s lost boys” will ever grow up! But it seems your briefcase just needs a bit of time and space. Be supportive and allow him this time to adjust. If in 3 months things haven’t changed, it might be time to accept that either he is just not that into you or he is just lacking the maturity to settle down with you. At that point TTB would suggest that you love and leave his ass!
In conclusion, transitioning into the pressures of the working world is not for the faint hearted. Adding more pressure to the boiler room by telling him to settle down with you will only make things worse and doesn’t show much understanding of where he is at. Who knows? Maybe he is hanging out in cheap studenty places because he’s saving up for that diamond ring? Ok, unlikely. But think positively – at least you’re not in Bermuda!
Yours sincerely
TTB
My boyfriend of 2 years recently started working. I have been so excited for him to enter the working world as I was hoping that we would be able to settle down and get married. But I was so wrong. He has started spending more and more time partying, hanging out with “the guys” and just wanting to have fun. He gets very annoyed if I suggest that we do anything other than hang around in studenty spots – places we haven’t been to in the last 3 years - and devotes much of his weekend and sometimes even week nights to the pastimes he had when we were first year UCT students! What do you think, I should do? Give him an ultimatum to cease this silly behaviour and propose?
From
I-want-to-get-married-girl
Dear I-want-to-get-married-girl
Oh dear, TTB can only imagine what your weekends have turned into hanging out in classless clubs and pubs! She does sympathize with you for that. It seems your significant other has a very virulent case of “Seventeen Again”. Yes, it’s Matthew Perry wanting to be Zac Efron…
The long and the short of it is: briefcases are presented with the real world and have a sudden crisis when they realize that their chilled out student life with 3 months holiday has been replaced with bills, medical aid, retirement annuities, long work hours and 15 days of annual leave! It is kind of a bummer, don’t you think? They dream of their former glory days where they used to play touch on the Kopano fields, go pub golfing, stay out late and sleep all day. So they try to recreate this happy time of freedom and fun. It doesn’t last too long. For the Average Joe – just a few months while they transition and find their feet at work or accept that the partying and a 9 – 5 job leads to exhaustion and grumpiness. They soon realize that while this new phase might be more restrictive on their time, it does afford them financial independence and purpose to get up in the morning!
The WORST thing you can do is give your briefcase an ultimatum to stop being “Seventeen Again” and buy you a flashy diamond ring. That will just bring out more of the Zac and less of the Matt. And you don’t want to be dating Zac for any longer than you need to (even if he’s a hottie). It seems you are ready to settle down but he clearly isn’t. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t going to change that. Besides, do you really want to ultimatum someone into proposing to you? This has got to be a "he goes 90 you go 10" scenario. Setting ultimatums is just doing too much work!
If he was one of those unemployed hedonists hanging out with different 18 year old girls every week and jolling until all hours of the morning, TTB would issue a “Dump him before he can say Zac Efron” decree. That’s the worst case of “Seventeen Again” and TTB has little hope that those types she likes to call “Peter Pan’s lost boys” will ever grow up! But it seems your briefcase just needs a bit of time and space. Be supportive and allow him this time to adjust. If in 3 months things haven’t changed, it might be time to accept that either he is just not that into you or he is just lacking the maturity to settle down with you. At that point TTB would suggest that you love and leave his ass!
In conclusion, transitioning into the pressures of the working world is not for the faint hearted. Adding more pressure to the boiler room by telling him to settle down with you will only make things worse and doesn’t show much understanding of where he is at. Who knows? Maybe he is hanging out in cheap studenty places because he’s saving up for that diamond ring? Ok, unlikely. But think positively – at least you’re not in Bermuda!
Yours sincerely
TTB
Monday, March 1, 2010
The trouble with feeling fat
The Turquoise Bag is officially feeling fat. It’s a fact she’s been trying to ignore for the last 6 months but every now and then a whimper of a reminder comes her way. For example, yesterday she made the foolish error of accompanying two of her handbag sisters (biological not like “sistahs”) to the mall. Well, accompanying is perhaps a strong word. It was more like chauffeuring and then collapsing on a chair at Seattle to drown her sorrows in a Frozen Mocha filled with yummy calories as she lamented both a swollen ankle and the fact that she now feels like she embellishes that phrase “supersize me” so well. This was after trying on a few items of clothing that only emphasized her growing childbearing hips…that aren’t carrying any children!
Do you know what TTB’s talking about, dear reader? The terrible moment when you realize, well, that your chubby “phase” has become your chubby life! It’s awful! “No more shopping trips!” you think resolutely. “No more shopping until I am back to my slim size …” (The … means that you can fill in the gap. It just kind of makes it more personal and allows you to fill in your former slim size. That is, unless you’re an Ethiopian model who still is the very essence of your skinny self) “I am going to gym everyday. No more choccocinos or delicious triple chocolate mousses or yummy mint crisp chocolate. No sirree!” you say sincerely.
And then after about 6 months of attempting to give up your favourite treats and gym the excess weight away, your clothes are terribly last season, dahling. So, you psych yourself up to take the trip to the dreaded clothing shop mirror to jazz up your summer 2009 wardrobe. But it doesn’t help. Instead you end up in a comfort eating frenzy trying to conjure up the endorphins that successful clothes shopping used to release into your brain. Do you ever have one of those “feeling fat days”? Those days where it doesn’t matter what people say or how glam you look, you just FEEEEEL fat. Generally these “feeling fat days” accompany unsuccessful shopping trips. Today TTB is having a “feeling fat day”. TTB thinks that in the interest of social welfare and the success and stability of places of work around the country, handbags should be granted at least 6 days annual leave for those days she has dubbed, “feeling fat days”.
Imagine how lovely it would be to have a “feeling fat day” in the privacy of your own home while watching “When Harry met Sally” or “My Best Friend’s Wedding” or “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”? (Just a few of TTB’s favourites). Just imagine not having to lock yourself in your office to avoid dealing with anyone face to face on a “feeling fat day”. Just imagine not having to be forced to be in a staff video on a “feeling fat day”. That’s what happened to TTB today. She was forced against her will to be in a video on her day of feeling fat. That should be punishable by law. Everyone knows the camera adds 10 pounds! And who can fairly subject a handbag to that on a “feeling fat day”? TTB has decided that when this revolting video without choreography is displayed for all the world to see, she will be taking a "feeling fat day" and let anyone try and mess with that...
Do you know what TTB’s talking about, dear reader? The terrible moment when you realize, well, that your chubby “phase” has become your chubby life! It’s awful! “No more shopping trips!” you think resolutely. “No more shopping until I am back to my slim size …” (The … means that you can fill in the gap. It just kind of makes it more personal and allows you to fill in your former slim size. That is, unless you’re an Ethiopian model who still is the very essence of your skinny self) “I am going to gym everyday. No more choccocinos or delicious triple chocolate mousses or yummy mint crisp chocolate. No sirree!” you say sincerely.
And then after about 6 months of attempting to give up your favourite treats and gym the excess weight away, your clothes are terribly last season, dahling. So, you psych yourself up to take the trip to the dreaded clothing shop mirror to jazz up your summer 2009 wardrobe. But it doesn’t help. Instead you end up in a comfort eating frenzy trying to conjure up the endorphins that successful clothes shopping used to release into your brain. Do you ever have one of those “feeling fat days”? Those days where it doesn’t matter what people say or how glam you look, you just FEEEEEL fat. Generally these “feeling fat days” accompany unsuccessful shopping trips. Today TTB is having a “feeling fat day”. TTB thinks that in the interest of social welfare and the success and stability of places of work around the country, handbags should be granted at least 6 days annual leave for those days she has dubbed, “feeling fat days”.
Imagine how lovely it would be to have a “feeling fat day” in the privacy of your own home while watching “When Harry met Sally” or “My Best Friend’s Wedding” or “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”? (Just a few of TTB’s favourites). Just imagine not having to lock yourself in your office to avoid dealing with anyone face to face on a “feeling fat day”. Just imagine not having to be forced to be in a staff video on a “feeling fat day”. That’s what happened to TTB today. She was forced against her will to be in a video on her day of feeling fat. That should be punishable by law. Everyone knows the camera adds 10 pounds! And who can fairly subject a handbag to that on a “feeling fat day”? TTB has decided that when this revolting video without choreography is displayed for all the world to see, she will be taking a "feeling fat day" and let anyone try and mess with that...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The trouble with likes
The Turquoise Bag has had a rather contemplative time of late – answering questions and being accused of being a feminist and all that. Make no mistake she does enjoy a good challenge and a heartfelt request for her to share her wisdom, but every handbag deserves a break from being an agony aunt. There are some questions in her inbox which she will answer in due time but for today she’s going to be a tad selfish and write about the things that bring delight to her little handbag life. She has realized that likes and dislikes often change. That’s the trouble with them, or so she used to think. It used to really bother TTB that she would like something for awhile and then change her mind. Or really dislike something (or someone for that matter) and then have a change of heart. She thought this made her flaky, a bit like a Bermuda, or inconsistent or even unreliable. However, she made an important realization that people’s tastes change over time and that’s a-okay. After all, the fashion industry would cease to exist if we just liked the same things for forever and a day. You see, dear reader, likes are different to commitments. Commitments need to be iron clad and unchanging. They can’t be influenced by emotions. Sometimes we have to make decisions to commit to things and then stick to it whether we like it or not. (This is good, solid advice for relationships, but let’s not go there today. TTB has realized that her blog entries have become very serious and she wants to indulge in a little frivolity.) In the frivolous things in life, one must be free to like and dislike whatever one pleases. Even better, a handbag can change her mind about frivolous things too! So here’s a list of TTB’s likes at the moment (they are subject to change – as are yours!):
1) Estee Lauder (Anything by Estee Lauder)
2) Exclusive Books
3) Seattle’s Hot Chocolate
4) Chocochinos from Woolworths
5) Smarties
6) Mint Crisp Chocolate (Only Cadbury’s, dahling!)
7) Dark Chocolate (Cadbury’s but Lindt suffices)
8) Her Guess Skinny jeans (which she can’t fit into because of the likes above)
9) Running (To counteract said like of all things chocolatey and not being able to fit into Guess jeans)
10) Runner’s World Magazine (Bought to keep like of running alive; lest it fall into the dislike category and Guess jeans become a white elephant)
11) Holidays at the Beach
12) Reading
13) Triple Chocolate Mousse from Woolworths
14) Rye Bread
15) Series!
16) Receiving letters
17) Clutch Pencils
TTB thought it good to end on a prime number (instead of her usual practice of keeping it even) as she is trying to work on her perfectionism. She is not going to list her dislikes. This blog is really devoted to writing about the things she objects to in this crazy world we call home and she would hate to bore anyone by being repetitive. So until next time, TTB bids you adieu and advises you to stay well away from that Bermuda triangle!
1) Estee Lauder (Anything by Estee Lauder)
2) Exclusive Books
3) Seattle’s Hot Chocolate
4) Chocochinos from Woolworths
5) Smarties
6) Mint Crisp Chocolate (Only Cadbury’s, dahling!)
7) Dark Chocolate (Cadbury’s but Lindt suffices)
8) Her Guess Skinny jeans (which she can’t fit into because of the likes above)
9) Running (To counteract said like of all things chocolatey and not being able to fit into Guess jeans)
10) Runner’s World Magazine (Bought to keep like of running alive; lest it fall into the dislike category and Guess jeans become a white elephant)
11) Holidays at the Beach
12) Reading
13) Triple Chocolate Mousse from Woolworths
14) Rye Bread
15) Series!
16) Receiving letters
17) Clutch Pencils
TTB thought it good to end on a prime number (instead of her usual practice of keeping it even) as she is trying to work on her perfectionism. She is not going to list her dislikes. This blog is really devoted to writing about the things she objects to in this crazy world we call home and she would hate to bore anyone by being repetitive. So until next time, TTB bids you adieu and advises you to stay well away from that Bermuda triangle!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The trouble with being a briefcase
Dear TTB
Perhaps more importantly, how should a guy treat a girl who he is "considering" (you know what i mean)? if you ask her out and then things don't turn out well there is a big break-up, and it seems that if he spends time with her before asking her out and then decides it's not going to work he is a coward? Is he a coward because he didn't like you? Surely the coward is the one who really does like you but then doesn't convey that? Is there no place for guys and girls to get to know each other better except for big group events?
These are all serious questions. If I was having a go at you I'd be an idiot. Or an "oke"."
Regards
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
I must say that I think you have asked some of the most pertinent questions that every briefcase should be asking himself. It gives me great joy that you are considering these dilemmas. The truth is that relationships are such a mystery – why we fall in love, who we fall in love with and ultimately why on earth it even works out! It’s truly a miracle when it does. So, I guess one could throw the towel in and give up because if you’re a perfectionist like me, you want to do it all perfectly. Alas, this is not possible. Everyone at some point in their lives ends up in Bermuda or shipwrecked or both. Relationships are always a risk and so we need to bear this in mind whenever we enter into them.
It is inevitable that’s some relationships do end up in The Bermuda Triangle and are ultimately successful. So I must clarify that Bermuda is only a bad thing when people remain in it for an extended period of time. I definitely agree that there is room for handbags and briefcases to have some time where the friendship is not quite defined but at some point a decision needs to be made one way or the other. What I am anti is “friendships” where the lines are blurred for far too long where either party (because handbags have also been known to keep a few briefcases in Bermuda while they decide whether they are in fact interested in dating the said briefcase. This usually happens with petite, shiny, Gucci-like handbags that briefcases the world over admire. But I digress…) is covertly holding the other’s heart at ransom while trying to decide whether said person is “the one”. So, yes, my objection is indeed to this sort of cowardice where handbags or briefcases are considering each other but not brave enough to say anything in trying to avoid dating and ending up in the shipwrecked zone. Or the other case where one or the other decides not to pursue a relationship and then flits on to the next person he/she wants to suss out. Now that’s cowardice at its worst! You don’t have to fall in love with anyone but if you’re sussing ‘em out at least have the courage to tell them so! This brings me to an important point.
How to treat a woman you are considering dating? When considering asking a woman out: Communication is your ally. I thinks there is totally room for a man and a woman to get to know each other better outside of the boring “big event” category as long as intentions and expectations are clearly communicated. This is my idealistic idea of how this should work out: Briefcase notices handbag. Briefcase asks handbag out for dinner/a drink/not coffee. (Really. Not coffee – it’s overdone and very boring). Briefcase tells handbag he would like to get to know her better, if she is also keen for said getting to know each other experience. Briefcase CLEARLY communicates that he is not sure if they will in fact end up in some long lasting relationship – he realizes she may not want to or he may not want to or both of them may not want to, after spending some time together. Both parties understand that there is no commitment. Briefcase and handbag go on dates and fall in love. Voila!
Ok, that’s perhaps an over simplification but I hope you can see my point. Both parties know what’s going on. Neither is left wondering where this friendship is heading or trying to analyze the “signals”. (It’s probably only the handbag that will be engaging in this signal interpretation) The reality is still that the relationship may not work out, just like if people stayed in Bermuda where things might also not work out for the best, but they didn’t end up “dating and breaking up”. Do you think that people end up being less hurt? In my many years of counselling young handbags I have found they end up being just as upset and very confused because they were in this weird, pseudo-relationship where they were more than friends but less than lovers. Whenever emotions are involved, it's very hard to avoid pain - even when one has the best intentions at heart.
In conclusion, handbags and briefcases are destined to find each other. Sometimes it doesn't work out along the way. The best you can do is to treat any woman you potentially want to date with honesty and kindness. Whether you do or don't date; break up or get married - she'll appreciate your attempt at always communicating transparently with her. You also have to accept that relationships are mysterious and a risk, as I pointed out earlier. And as Lord Farquard so elegantly said in Shrek, "It's a risk I am willing to take."
Yours sincerely
TTB
Perhaps more importantly, how should a guy treat a girl who he is "considering" (you know what i mean)? if you ask her out and then things don't turn out well there is a big break-up, and it seems that if he spends time with her before asking her out and then decides it's not going to work he is a coward? Is he a coward because he didn't like you? Surely the coward is the one who really does like you but then doesn't convey that? Is there no place for guys and girls to get to know each other better except for big group events?
These are all serious questions. If I was having a go at you I'd be an idiot. Or an "oke"."
Regards
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
I must say that I think you have asked some of the most pertinent questions that every briefcase should be asking himself. It gives me great joy that you are considering these dilemmas. The truth is that relationships are such a mystery – why we fall in love, who we fall in love with and ultimately why on earth it even works out! It’s truly a miracle when it does. So, I guess one could throw the towel in and give up because if you’re a perfectionist like me, you want to do it all perfectly. Alas, this is not possible. Everyone at some point in their lives ends up in Bermuda or shipwrecked or both. Relationships are always a risk and so we need to bear this in mind whenever we enter into them.
It is inevitable that’s some relationships do end up in The Bermuda Triangle and are ultimately successful. So I must clarify that Bermuda is only a bad thing when people remain in it for an extended period of time. I definitely agree that there is room for handbags and briefcases to have some time where the friendship is not quite defined but at some point a decision needs to be made one way or the other. What I am anti is “friendships” where the lines are blurred for far too long where either party (because handbags have also been known to keep a few briefcases in Bermuda while they decide whether they are in fact interested in dating the said briefcase. This usually happens with petite, shiny, Gucci-like handbags that briefcases the world over admire. But I digress…) is covertly holding the other’s heart at ransom while trying to decide whether said person is “the one”. So, yes, my objection is indeed to this sort of cowardice where handbags or briefcases are considering each other but not brave enough to say anything in trying to avoid dating and ending up in the shipwrecked zone. Or the other case where one or the other decides not to pursue a relationship and then flits on to the next person he/she wants to suss out. Now that’s cowardice at its worst! You don’t have to fall in love with anyone but if you’re sussing ‘em out at least have the courage to tell them so! This brings me to an important point.
How to treat a woman you are considering dating? When considering asking a woman out: Communication is your ally. I thinks there is totally room for a man and a woman to get to know each other better outside of the boring “big event” category as long as intentions and expectations are clearly communicated. This is my idealistic idea of how this should work out: Briefcase notices handbag. Briefcase asks handbag out for dinner/a drink/not coffee. (Really. Not coffee – it’s overdone and very boring). Briefcase tells handbag he would like to get to know her better, if she is also keen for said getting to know each other experience. Briefcase CLEARLY communicates that he is not sure if they will in fact end up in some long lasting relationship – he realizes she may not want to or he may not want to or both of them may not want to, after spending some time together. Both parties understand that there is no commitment. Briefcase and handbag go on dates and fall in love. Voila!
Ok, that’s perhaps an over simplification but I hope you can see my point. Both parties know what’s going on. Neither is left wondering where this friendship is heading or trying to analyze the “signals”. (It’s probably only the handbag that will be engaging in this signal interpretation) The reality is still that the relationship may not work out, just like if people stayed in Bermuda where things might also not work out for the best, but they didn’t end up “dating and breaking up”. Do you think that people end up being less hurt? In my many years of counselling young handbags I have found they end up being just as upset and very confused because they were in this weird, pseudo-relationship where they were more than friends but less than lovers. Whenever emotions are involved, it's very hard to avoid pain - even when one has the best intentions at heart.
In conclusion, handbags and briefcases are destined to find each other. Sometimes it doesn't work out along the way. The best you can do is to treat any woman you potentially want to date with honesty and kindness. Whether you do or don't date; break up or get married - she'll appreciate your attempt at always communicating transparently with her. You also have to accept that relationships are mysterious and a risk, as I pointed out earlier. And as Lord Farquard so elegantly said in Shrek, "It's a risk I am willing to take."
Yours sincerely
TTB
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The trouble with being friends
Dear TTB
What does your academy entail? Are you hoping to monetize this? Your most urgent task should perhaps be to educate woman in realising when they're entering Bermuda? Should the academy then not be for them? The "okes" will then not be able to get away with playing around in Bermuda so easily. No?
My biggest question. How should an "oke" treat a girl who he honestly only wants to be friends with? What should he avoid doing? Should he act even more cautiously if he realises that the girl likes him?
Regards
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Thank you for asking these questions. The truth is both men and women need to enroll in Emotional Intelligence academies. When that John Gray wrote his book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” he really knew his stuff! TTB agrees that her main task is to educate women about the perils of Bermuda. Indeed this is the very reason her blog has gone global. TTB figured that only women would be interested in reading her blog and hence she suggested the academy for men. However, since receiving such an overwhelming response from a number of briefcases, TTB is happy to have been proven wrong and perhaps her blog will suffice as a crash course in EI 101? She is so pleased to hear that briefcases also think about these deep but confusing relational realities.
The simple answer to your question is: treat a friend like a friend and a girlfriend like a girlfriend. So, give a moment of thought how you would treat a woman you were dating and then make sure that you are not treating any female friends the same way. Be careful of too much affection, text messaging, emailing and one on one time etc. TTB is not suggesting you cut these off from your friendships with women - everything in moderation. Be mindful of how women are just wired differently and do become more emotionally attached and “read into things.”
So for example, men tend to be more likely to tell women about deep, meaningful things than other men. It is kind of one the things that make relationships work – men look for nurturing, encouraging women and women look for decisive, task oriented men. TTB has often observed how this plays out in friendships between men and women. A guy over shares on all sorts of deep things that he can’t tell his guy friends (because they might laugh at him) and a girl reads this as, “He wants to share his life with me!” And then gets all ahead of herself and starts dreaming about big, diamond rings and white, wedding gowns... Rather find a guy you can have a real DMC with, or save it for your mom as this is classic girlfriend and not friend territory.
Another strategy TTB approves of is just coming out and saying it, gently, “I just want to be friends with you.” I know, it does sound a bit presumptuous. She might be offended for a week or so, but she’ll get over it and it will at least save you from entering that dreaded triangle or having a situation where you have to address the fact that she’s into you. So keep lines of communication clear with your lady friends when establishing a friendship and especially if you suspect she might be interested in being more than compadres. The other strategy, when you think a girl likes you but you’re not feeling it, is to just wait it out, distance yourself and hope that the crush will turn into nothingness. It does avoid the awkwardness of having “the conversation” but there’s always a risk that she may be even more hurt and offended by your ignoring her. So, TTB thinks it’s probably best just to face it head on.
I’ll leave you with a question: Can men and women ever really be “just friends”. TTB’s jury is still out on this one and she’ll leave that to be answered in a later blog entry.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS TTB is giving your second letter some intense thought. She will have an answer for you shortly.
What does your academy entail? Are you hoping to monetize this? Your most urgent task should perhaps be to educate woman in realising when they're entering Bermuda? Should the academy then not be for them? The "okes" will then not be able to get away with playing around in Bermuda so easily. No?
My biggest question. How should an "oke" treat a girl who he honestly only wants to be friends with? What should he avoid doing? Should he act even more cautiously if he realises that the girl likes him?
Regards
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Thank you for asking these questions. The truth is both men and women need to enroll in Emotional Intelligence academies. When that John Gray wrote his book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” he really knew his stuff! TTB agrees that her main task is to educate women about the perils of Bermuda. Indeed this is the very reason her blog has gone global. TTB figured that only women would be interested in reading her blog and hence she suggested the academy for men. However, since receiving such an overwhelming response from a number of briefcases, TTB is happy to have been proven wrong and perhaps her blog will suffice as a crash course in EI 101? She is so pleased to hear that briefcases also think about these deep but confusing relational realities.
The simple answer to your question is: treat a friend like a friend and a girlfriend like a girlfriend. So, give a moment of thought how you would treat a woman you were dating and then make sure that you are not treating any female friends the same way. Be careful of too much affection, text messaging, emailing and one on one time etc. TTB is not suggesting you cut these off from your friendships with women - everything in moderation. Be mindful of how women are just wired differently and do become more emotionally attached and “read into things.”
So for example, men tend to be more likely to tell women about deep, meaningful things than other men. It is kind of one the things that make relationships work – men look for nurturing, encouraging women and women look for decisive, task oriented men. TTB has often observed how this plays out in friendships between men and women. A guy over shares on all sorts of deep things that he can’t tell his guy friends (because they might laugh at him) and a girl reads this as, “He wants to share his life with me!” And then gets all ahead of herself and starts dreaming about big, diamond rings and white, wedding gowns... Rather find a guy you can have a real DMC with, or save it for your mom as this is classic girlfriend and not friend territory.
Another strategy TTB approves of is just coming out and saying it, gently, “I just want to be friends with you.” I know, it does sound a bit presumptuous. She might be offended for a week or so, but she’ll get over it and it will at least save you from entering that dreaded triangle or having a situation where you have to address the fact that she’s into you. So keep lines of communication clear with your lady friends when establishing a friendship and especially if you suspect she might be interested in being more than compadres. The other strategy, when you think a girl likes you but you’re not feeling it, is to just wait it out, distance yourself and hope that the crush will turn into nothingness. It does avoid the awkwardness of having “the conversation” but there’s always a risk that she may be even more hurt and offended by your ignoring her. So, TTB thinks it’s probably best just to face it head on.
I’ll leave you with a question: Can men and women ever really be “just friends”. TTB’s jury is still out on this one and she’ll leave that to be answered in a later blog entry.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS TTB is giving your second letter some intense thought. She will have an answer for you shortly.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The trouble with the good
Dear Hot Turquoise Bag
I have read your blog and really like what I am hearing. You are obviously a bag who likes to speak her mind and enjoys direct communication. I am a briefcase who is in search of a bag just like you. Please may I have your number?
Yours truly
Mr Briefcase
PS Happy Valentine’s Day
Dear Mr Briefcase
I am very flattered by your attention. I particularly like the forthright manner in which you approached me. Please submit a full length photo, recent bank statements and projected life plan. Should I think our paths should cross, I shall be happy to oblige. But until then, you keep out of Bermuda with any other handbags and continue working on that direct communication aspect. (Although your chances of meeting me will diminish significantly should you attempt to use this direct approach on more than one handbag simultaneously.) I know. It’s tough. But a faint heart never won a fair lady. I never tire of that saying…
Yours sincerely
T(H)TB
I have read your blog and really like what I am hearing. You are obviously a bag who likes to speak her mind and enjoys direct communication. I am a briefcase who is in search of a bag just like you. Please may I have your number?
Yours truly
Mr Briefcase
PS Happy Valentine’s Day
Dear Mr Briefcase
I am very flattered by your attention. I particularly like the forthright manner in which you approached me. Please submit a full length photo, recent bank statements and projected life plan. Should I think our paths should cross, I shall be happy to oblige. But until then, you keep out of Bermuda with any other handbags and continue working on that direct communication aspect. (Although your chances of meeting me will diminish significantly should you attempt to use this direct approach on more than one handbag simultaneously.) I know. It’s tough. But a faint heart never won a fair lady. I never tire of that saying…
Yours sincerely
T(H)TB
The trouble with the bad
For this blog entry I have taken excerpts from the letters I have received and amalgamated them into one letter. Unfortunately there are so many handbags who find themselves in the same predicament…
Dear TTB
I have this friend who often smses me to ask me questions related to my career field. I am always happy to help him and we have struck up a lovely friendship. I mean, the only time he ever gets in touch with me is when he needs a question answered, but his phone calls and text messages are also about me. He always wants to know how I am doing and feeling. We have started spending more time together as he prepares for his exam and needs my assistance. I really, really like him. Do you think it can work?
I know this guy. We have been friends for a good 5 years. We have stuck together through life’s tough times. He’s been through a very hectic life experience and I’ve been there for him as he has been trying to make important life decisions. We spend many hours speaking about his future and what he wants to do with his life. I am sort of his confidante. I know no one else understands him like I do. I am in love with him and am sure he feels the same way. Do you think I should bring it up or wait for him to tell me how he feels?
My friend is this super intense and intelligent guy. I am so attracted to him! He is easy to talk to and we have similar interests. But I don’t just like him for that, I really want to help him to realise how amazing he is. You see, I think, he has a super low self-esteem. He isn’t willing to take any risks and doesn’t think he is good at anything. But what I don’t understand is that he has lots of friends who are girls and he seems to be quite flirtatious. Yet, he never follows through on the flirting – that’s what I mean on the not taking a risk thing! How can I make him realise how much he means to me and that I won’t reject him?
Yours faithfully
Confused Girl 1,2 and 3
Dear Confused Girls
Please go to your kitchen and make a cup of tea. Have you made your tea? Good. Now please sit down. The truth is, all 3 of you are most definitely in Bermuda. I am sorry to say this but your relationship with your respective love interest is, well, inappropriately more involved than it ought to be. All three of you have leapt into these friendships handing over your heart to men who were all too happy to let it dangle there in Bermuda territory, while they got what they needed from the friendships.
Confused Girl 1, you have the classic, “I’ll make use of your expertise/money/kindness guy while you fall in love with me” scenario. He’s probably not a bad fellow. He knows a good thing when he sees it. He realises you are intelligent and is probably genuinely concerned for your well being but only for as much as he can get out of you. He only contacts you when he needs something and by the sounds of things you are tutoring him for free. I am sure he is very charming and the friendship has had some romantic moments. But don’t be fooled, this guy will drop you like a hot potato as soon as he doesn’t need your expertise any longer. My advice would be to kindly refuse him any more assistance and wave the “friendship” goodbye. Besides, do you really want to be someone’s tutor or their lover?
Confused Girl 2, you have the classic, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life guy” for a friend. He is complex and has tons of issues. He can never make up his mind about what he wants his future to look like and needs to have constant in depth discussions about how lost he is in the world. When I hear the words complex and confused, I look for the closest exit sign! Your friend is so self-involved he probably never has any time to look after anyone else’s needs. Girlfriends and wives give constant heartfelt, in depth advice like this. Not friends! Point him towards a career counsellor, parent or wiser friend. It’s not your place to be mapping out his future. Men who don’t know what they want to do with their lives are hazardous. And believe me; their egos can’t handle a woman who does have her life together as it seems you do. Draw some very strict boundaries with him not allowing him to talk about his confusion with you and take a big step out of this Bermuda triangle. (I mean like limited contact, if any) This is so that you both can examine your true feelings. Once he has figured out his future (on his own), he may be in a position to look after you for a change. (Although, it is likely that you will have moved on by then.) You’re not an agony aunt, so stop being treated like one!
Dear Confused Girl 3, your chap has a case of the “I lack confidence so I need to surround myself with caring women to make me feel better”. It’s very simple: he needs therapy. I am sure he has many stellar qualities to recommend him and that you mean well in wanting to save him from his insecurities. But that sets off alarm bells for me. We all have a saviour complex in us. Save that for SPCA. (I mean that with no disrespect – saving animals from cruelty is something I strongly encourage) However, this guy is not a stray dog. He needs to learn to be confident and interact normally with other people. In my experience, I have never seen such relationships turn out for the better. Roles of the “insecure one” and “the saviour” are immediately cemented and at some point the insecure one totally stifles the saviour’s world by demanding constant positive reinforcement and attention. Or the saviour grows exhausted from “saving” the other person and needs some TLC. It’s really in your friend’s best interest for him to work through whatever is causing his insecurities. And in yours, to keep him at arms length. Come on, leave the mollycoddling and encouragement to his mom and tell him to stop flirting with you!
Have faith, by next year your “Bermuradar” will be so good that you definitely won’t be in any flaky, pseudo-relationships, but might have even found Mr Briefcase! Better to get rid of the dead weight as soon as possible as you never know who the Bermuda Triangle may be keeping you from meeting? Happy V-day!
Yours sincerely
TTB
xxx
Dear TTB
I have this friend who often smses me to ask me questions related to my career field. I am always happy to help him and we have struck up a lovely friendship. I mean, the only time he ever gets in touch with me is when he needs a question answered, but his phone calls and text messages are also about me. He always wants to know how I am doing and feeling. We have started spending more time together as he prepares for his exam and needs my assistance. I really, really like him. Do you think it can work?
I know this guy. We have been friends for a good 5 years. We have stuck together through life’s tough times. He’s been through a very hectic life experience and I’ve been there for him as he has been trying to make important life decisions. We spend many hours speaking about his future and what he wants to do with his life. I am sort of his confidante. I know no one else understands him like I do. I am in love with him and am sure he feels the same way. Do you think I should bring it up or wait for him to tell me how he feels?
My friend is this super intense and intelligent guy. I am so attracted to him! He is easy to talk to and we have similar interests. But I don’t just like him for that, I really want to help him to realise how amazing he is. You see, I think, he has a super low self-esteem. He isn’t willing to take any risks and doesn’t think he is good at anything. But what I don’t understand is that he has lots of friends who are girls and he seems to be quite flirtatious. Yet, he never follows through on the flirting – that’s what I mean on the not taking a risk thing! How can I make him realise how much he means to me and that I won’t reject him?
Yours faithfully
Confused Girl 1,2 and 3
Dear Confused Girls
Please go to your kitchen and make a cup of tea. Have you made your tea? Good. Now please sit down. The truth is, all 3 of you are most definitely in Bermuda. I am sorry to say this but your relationship with your respective love interest is, well, inappropriately more involved than it ought to be. All three of you have leapt into these friendships handing over your heart to men who were all too happy to let it dangle there in Bermuda territory, while they got what they needed from the friendships.
Confused Girl 1, you have the classic, “I’ll make use of your expertise/money/kindness guy while you fall in love with me” scenario. He’s probably not a bad fellow. He knows a good thing when he sees it. He realises you are intelligent and is probably genuinely concerned for your well being but only for as much as he can get out of you. He only contacts you when he needs something and by the sounds of things you are tutoring him for free. I am sure he is very charming and the friendship has had some romantic moments. But don’t be fooled, this guy will drop you like a hot potato as soon as he doesn’t need your expertise any longer. My advice would be to kindly refuse him any more assistance and wave the “friendship” goodbye. Besides, do you really want to be someone’s tutor or their lover?
Confused Girl 2, you have the classic, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life guy” for a friend. He is complex and has tons of issues. He can never make up his mind about what he wants his future to look like and needs to have constant in depth discussions about how lost he is in the world. When I hear the words complex and confused, I look for the closest exit sign! Your friend is so self-involved he probably never has any time to look after anyone else’s needs. Girlfriends and wives give constant heartfelt, in depth advice like this. Not friends! Point him towards a career counsellor, parent or wiser friend. It’s not your place to be mapping out his future. Men who don’t know what they want to do with their lives are hazardous. And believe me; their egos can’t handle a woman who does have her life together as it seems you do. Draw some very strict boundaries with him not allowing him to talk about his confusion with you and take a big step out of this Bermuda triangle. (I mean like limited contact, if any) This is so that you both can examine your true feelings. Once he has figured out his future (on his own), he may be in a position to look after you for a change. (Although, it is likely that you will have moved on by then.) You’re not an agony aunt, so stop being treated like one!
Dear Confused Girl 3, your chap has a case of the “I lack confidence so I need to surround myself with caring women to make me feel better”. It’s very simple: he needs therapy. I am sure he has many stellar qualities to recommend him and that you mean well in wanting to save him from his insecurities. But that sets off alarm bells for me. We all have a saviour complex in us. Save that for SPCA. (I mean that with no disrespect – saving animals from cruelty is something I strongly encourage) However, this guy is not a stray dog. He needs to learn to be confident and interact normally with other people. In my experience, I have never seen such relationships turn out for the better. Roles of the “insecure one” and “the saviour” are immediately cemented and at some point the insecure one totally stifles the saviour’s world by demanding constant positive reinforcement and attention. Or the saviour grows exhausted from “saving” the other person and needs some TLC. It’s really in your friend’s best interest for him to work through whatever is causing his insecurities. And in yours, to keep him at arms length. Come on, leave the mollycoddling and encouragement to his mom and tell him to stop flirting with you!
Have faith, by next year your “Bermuradar” will be so good that you definitely won’t be in any flaky, pseudo-relationships, but might have even found Mr Briefcase! Better to get rid of the dead weight as soon as possible as you never know who the Bermuda Triangle may be keeping you from meeting? Happy V-day!
Yours sincerely
TTB
xxx
The trouble with the ugly
Dear Turquoise Bag
I was so pissed off when I read your blog entry, “The trouble with Bermuda”!!! I think what you think is totally preposterous!! Chicks should stop psychoanalyzing every little thing okes do. Its really hard being a guy. Chicks give us no credit. We always have to make the first move and then we get shut down. Ka-bam! So, like, what are we supposed to do? We have to like put it out there, like a bit under the radar, and just hang and see if she’s “the one”. And, ja, most of the time she isnt. Because, duh, there can only be one “The One”. Unless I tell a chick I dig her, she must just know that I dont. Guys are not stupid. We know what we want and what we dig. So dont tune us if all we actually trying to do is protect the chick and our friendship with her. For example: like this one chick, she’s still my mate even though I thought for awhile that she was “the one”. But like then I realised at Tiger Tiger that her neighbour was probably “the one”. She like used to be an FHM model. So we hooked up. My mate who is the chick I’m still mates with (not the the FHM model) was super bummed! Like we had spent a lot of time together and stuff but I didnt think it was necessary to like stop photocopying her varsity notes for me. (That happened for a whole week!) Anyway, eventually me and FHM didn’t work out. Ja, I guess, she wasn’t the one. But anyways, now like me and my mate are super close again. She does my laundry and packs me lunch everyday. Flip, I know all of that would have been SO messed up if I had told her that I thought she was “the one” and then hooked up with FHM, who I also thought was “the one” but then realised she also wasn’t “the one”. So can you see how your theory is a load of ****. (Edited out due to expletive) My mate and I are still mates and we hang and we have fun together. And it’s all because I didnt say anything when I thought she was “the one”! I think you must give us guys some credit for like not leading chicks on.
Cheers
Pissed off Guy
Dear PO Guy
Thank you for considering my theory. I was very impressed with your use of the word “preposterous”. It showed me that you did indeed have a brain as it seems you know how to make use of the thesaurus application in MS Word. I do want to point out that in the English language the use of two exclamation marks at the end of the sentence is not allowed. By using the double exclamation you do not achieve your aim of being menacing and showing me how very angry you are. In fact all it shows me is that you need to march yourself back to those Grade 4 English Grammar textbooks and learn how to use punctuation! But, I shall forgive you, as I admit that you do find yourself in a predicament.
Rejection is a sad but common occurrence in the life of every man. (Unless you’re Brad Pitt) Unfortunately it seems that cowardice is also alive and well in the male species. And you my dear, PO Guy, are a coward. I know you’re probably throwing your laptop against the wall by now, as my accusation probably infuriates you. I will continue though, for the benefit of other emotionally challenged men out there. Basically you have 3 major problems in your rebuttal of my Bermuda theory:
1) If you are spending lots of time with any girl, you are leading her on. We spend time with people we like and a woman gauges how much a man likes her by the amount of time he spends with her, how much he confides in her and how often he extends invitations to her. You think you may not have been leading her on, but you are. You may think that because you did not tell her of your feelings earlier in the friendship, she has no reason to think there is anything more to the friendship. But the truth is, at one point, you considered it and I am sure your behaviour led her to think that you were interested. Then you changed your mind and got involved with that Miss FHM. Your friend was clearly hurt by this. Now, you want to be friends with her again which only gives her hope that you like her. There is no question about it; you have been leading her on!
2) Secondly, your “the one” theory is ridiculous especially since you have thought that at least 2 girls were “the one”. (That we know of.) You will continue to go through life looking for “the one”, thinking you have found her and then being disappointed by something in her or finding someone better and changing your mind. There are many women who you could choose to be “the one”. Yes, there are definitely some women who will be far better suited to you than others, but ultimately you have to make a decision to love someone and to daily choose her to be “the one”. At the moment you are just being selfish and “trying out” women to see if by some accident they might be “the one”. All the while that sweet friend of yours is at your every beck and call and being a good replacement until you find “the one”.
3) You not saying that you had feelings for your friend has not made the situation less complicated, but more! Well, I guess it’s not complicated for you, but it is for her. The fact that you didn’t confess your undying love is probably admirable since you did change your mind. So kudos for that. But now you have to be a man and tell her gently that you want to clear the air and make sure that you and her are on the same page: you don’t have feelings for her. And, yes, I would include that once upon a time you did and that you admit that you are a total moron for leading her on. I would advise referring her to my blog for some commiseration with other lovely lasses who have found themselves in the Bermuda Traingle.
In conclusion, you are lazy and a coward. You enjoy the fact that she makes your sandwiches and offers you the notes you are too lazy (there’s that word again!) to take down during lectures. You are obviously not that into her as you cannot decide whether she is “the one” but you continue milking the friendship for all its worth. She on the other hand is clearly devoted to you, Mr Lazy Bones. Why else would she be doing your laundry? This is a relationship of convenience for you and one that she has obviously placed far greater hopes on. And that is a great tragedy on her part. But, shame on you! I really hope you will follow my advice and be honest about the fact that you don’t have feelings for her. Then you must give her the space to move on. No more sandwiches or notes or you! I have great hopes that you will turn your cowardice into courage. After all, a faint heart never won a fair lady! So you better get plenty courageous if you ever want to have a successful relationship one day.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS Please enrol in my Emotional Intelligence 101 course. Details to follow shortly.
PPS The coloured lines that appear underneath text in MS Word shows one when one has made a spelling or punctuation error. You may want to consult it and correct your writing before sending me another letter.
PPPS A paragraph or two wouldn't hurt either - just a suggestion.
I was so pissed off when I read your blog entry, “The trouble with Bermuda”!!! I think what you think is totally preposterous!! Chicks should stop psychoanalyzing every little thing okes do. Its really hard being a guy. Chicks give us no credit. We always have to make the first move and then we get shut down. Ka-bam! So, like, what are we supposed to do? We have to like put it out there, like a bit under the radar, and just hang and see if she’s “the one”. And, ja, most of the time she isnt. Because, duh, there can only be one “The One”. Unless I tell a chick I dig her, she must just know that I dont. Guys are not stupid. We know what we want and what we dig. So dont tune us if all we actually trying to do is protect the chick and our friendship with her. For example: like this one chick, she’s still my mate even though I thought for awhile that she was “the one”. But like then I realised at Tiger Tiger that her neighbour was probably “the one”. She like used to be an FHM model. So we hooked up. My mate who is the chick I’m still mates with (not the the FHM model) was super bummed! Like we had spent a lot of time together and stuff but I didnt think it was necessary to like stop photocopying her varsity notes for me. (That happened for a whole week!) Anyway, eventually me and FHM didn’t work out. Ja, I guess, she wasn’t the one. But anyways, now like me and my mate are super close again. She does my laundry and packs me lunch everyday. Flip, I know all of that would have been SO messed up if I had told her that I thought she was “the one” and then hooked up with FHM, who I also thought was “the one” but then realised she also wasn’t “the one”. So can you see how your theory is a load of ****. (Edited out due to expletive) My mate and I are still mates and we hang and we have fun together. And it’s all because I didnt say anything when I thought she was “the one”! I think you must give us guys some credit for like not leading chicks on.
Cheers
Pissed off Guy
Dear PO Guy
Thank you for considering my theory. I was very impressed with your use of the word “preposterous”. It showed me that you did indeed have a brain as it seems you know how to make use of the thesaurus application in MS Word. I do want to point out that in the English language the use of two exclamation marks at the end of the sentence is not allowed. By using the double exclamation you do not achieve your aim of being menacing and showing me how very angry you are. In fact all it shows me is that you need to march yourself back to those Grade 4 English Grammar textbooks and learn how to use punctuation! But, I shall forgive you, as I admit that you do find yourself in a predicament.
Rejection is a sad but common occurrence in the life of every man. (Unless you’re Brad Pitt) Unfortunately it seems that cowardice is also alive and well in the male species. And you my dear, PO Guy, are a coward. I know you’re probably throwing your laptop against the wall by now, as my accusation probably infuriates you. I will continue though, for the benefit of other emotionally challenged men out there. Basically you have 3 major problems in your rebuttal of my Bermuda theory:
1) If you are spending lots of time with any girl, you are leading her on. We spend time with people we like and a woman gauges how much a man likes her by the amount of time he spends with her, how much he confides in her and how often he extends invitations to her. You think you may not have been leading her on, but you are. You may think that because you did not tell her of your feelings earlier in the friendship, she has no reason to think there is anything more to the friendship. But the truth is, at one point, you considered it and I am sure your behaviour led her to think that you were interested. Then you changed your mind and got involved with that Miss FHM. Your friend was clearly hurt by this. Now, you want to be friends with her again which only gives her hope that you like her. There is no question about it; you have been leading her on!
2) Secondly, your “the one” theory is ridiculous especially since you have thought that at least 2 girls were “the one”. (That we know of.) You will continue to go through life looking for “the one”, thinking you have found her and then being disappointed by something in her or finding someone better and changing your mind. There are many women who you could choose to be “the one”. Yes, there are definitely some women who will be far better suited to you than others, but ultimately you have to make a decision to love someone and to daily choose her to be “the one”. At the moment you are just being selfish and “trying out” women to see if by some accident they might be “the one”. All the while that sweet friend of yours is at your every beck and call and being a good replacement until you find “the one”.
3) You not saying that you had feelings for your friend has not made the situation less complicated, but more! Well, I guess it’s not complicated for you, but it is for her. The fact that you didn’t confess your undying love is probably admirable since you did change your mind. So kudos for that. But now you have to be a man and tell her gently that you want to clear the air and make sure that you and her are on the same page: you don’t have feelings for her. And, yes, I would include that once upon a time you did and that you admit that you are a total moron for leading her on. I would advise referring her to my blog for some commiseration with other lovely lasses who have found themselves in the Bermuda Traingle.
In conclusion, you are lazy and a coward. You enjoy the fact that she makes your sandwiches and offers you the notes you are too lazy (there’s that word again!) to take down during lectures. You are obviously not that into her as you cannot decide whether she is “the one” but you continue milking the friendship for all its worth. She on the other hand is clearly devoted to you, Mr Lazy Bones. Why else would she be doing your laundry? This is a relationship of convenience for you and one that she has obviously placed far greater hopes on. And that is a great tragedy on her part. But, shame on you! I really hope you will follow my advice and be honest about the fact that you don’t have feelings for her. Then you must give her the space to move on. No more sandwiches or notes or you! I have great hopes that you will turn your cowardice into courage. After all, a faint heart never won a fair lady! So you better get plenty courageous if you ever want to have a successful relationship one day.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS Please enrol in my Emotional Intelligence 101 course. Details to follow shortly.
PPS The coloured lines that appear underneath text in MS Word shows one when one has made a spelling or punctuation error. You may want to consult it and correct your writing before sending me another letter.
PPPS A paragraph or two wouldn't hurt either - just a suggestion.
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