The trouble with unemployment: TTB's official guide to earning legitimate moola

To the very intelligent and hot TTB

We salute you. We pride ourselves that we are not stuck in a relational Bermuda, neither do we suffer from delusions of hotness. We are not trying to be friends with everyone, but are abundantly social handbags. This short bit of bragging has in fact just led us to the somewhat dismal conclusion that perhaps we are not actually IN the relationship game. Hence we have successfully avoided all pitfalls of the heart and may as well be lifetime members of the cloister around the corner.

What we do seek your counsel on is the small matter of unemployment. (Not that unemployment is a small matter- we think many young people would agree that this is a hugely challenging problem.) Please help us out of our peanut-butter-ravaging-saving-the-world-from-our-couches-buying-1ply-toilet-paper-crisis.

As you are undoubtedly a woman of logical finesse, please could you provide us with a three step plan (preferably bulleted and alliterated, due to dulled brain power) to help us work our way from a quagmire of disillusionment, and shaky self-esteem, teetering on a breakdown resulting in a SH (Shelved Handbag) resorting to furious credit card spending and the consumption of yet more peanut butter.

Denial. Denial is perhaps the root issue we are dealing with. A handbag never wants to admit that she may in fact be so last season that she becomes an SH. This is why we have come to plead our case before you.

Regards,

Unraveling-at-the-seams 1 and 2.

Dear Unraveling-at-the-seams 1 and 2

Thank you for your kind words and salutations. Firstly I must congratulate you on your pristine Bermuda records. Good work, I say, good work. The question of whether you are out of the dating game I shall address later in my entry for now let’s deal with the moola.

TTB’s 3 steps to employment (wait I couldn’t do it in 3 so I did it in a multiple of 3, okay?):

1) Su Doku. Yes, my dear handbags, you need to start playing Su Doku. Why you might ask? Firstly you are complaining of dulled brainpower so you need to get those brains of yours working. Su Doku is an excellent teacher in perseverance, patience and logic and you will need all three to get back into the job market. (It’s also a very useful way to pass the time while waiting for an interview or at 1am in the morning when you can’t sleep after having an afternoon nap.)
2) Skills. Now that you’ve got your perseverance, patience and logic groove on. It’s time to start a list of all your marketable skills. Think about all the jobs you’ve done and list them. Then LOGICALLY decide what skills you have picked up and how you could use this to market yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. You are more capable and talented then you think you are.
3) Scenery. Take some time to look around at what the world. What would you like it to look like? Yes, dream a little. Then have a reality check and think how you could REALISTICALLY reach these dreams of saving the world. Rome wasn’t built in a day. You are going to need some patience to see your vision achieved. That may mean taking a few job detours along the way to keep the home fires burning. But keep the vision in mind, always, even if you’re flipping burgers in McDonald’s. You are not going to be stuck in your next job forever so don’t put too much pressure on yourself to find the “perfect’ job right here, right now. It’s like the “perfect” man – he doesn’t exist but perseverance means you find the one that is most “perfect” for you.
4) See-Vee. Yes, the good old Curriculum Vitae. You need a professional, up-to-date, short and sweet, eye-grabbing-“I’m hot”-hire-me CV. It’s worth swiping that credit card one last time to get someone in an HR field to set it up for you properly. HR people are also more likely to know how to identify your talents and use your skills (that you have so dutifully written down) to get potential employers’ attention.
5) Supplements. That is of the Career variety (not any other illegal ones like Steroids). Pick up the Cape Times next Monday (Monday’s edition has a career supplement) and check out the classifieds. See what jobs are out there and in line with your dream plan and then…apply, apply, apply. Send out 200 CV’s if you need to.
6) Secondary jobs. Also look at jobs you may not want to necessarily work in for the next 30 years. At the moment you want to start paying the bills – so even if it’s something short-term like waitressing at one of the World Cup spots, it may be worth it until something that is more in line with your plan of getting from A to B comes up. (You also might meet a hot footballer and become a WAG in which case you will never have to work again. Yippee. Honestly, that’s TTB’s plan A. But stay away from anyone with the surname Terry.)
7) Shopaholics Anonymous. Watch Rebecca Bloomwood deal with her credit crisis for some comic relief and then stick that credit card in the freezer. Actually, first buy some more peanut butter and cut the card up. Debt is so last year.
8) Series of interviews. Be prepared for lots of interviews and lots of rejections. Take your Su Doku with you to avert nerves and boredom. Be on time. Get dressed up and look professional. Make up (nothing over the top), high heels, tailored trousers and skirts on the knee. Neat and tidy nails. NO PLUNGING NECK LINES. And a confident smile always helps. (Borrow clothes if you need to.) Richard Bolles reckons you should always send a follow up note or email post-interview when you are rejected. Just saying, “hey, thanks for interviewing me.” Even if they haven’t hired you, someone, somewhere will remember you for a future job.
9) Salary, baby. Somebody, somewhere, sometime will give you a job. Yip, it will happen. Keep the faith, dear handbags, keep the faith.

About the question of whether you are honorary members at the local convent: it’s a matter of perspective. Do you feel old and on the shelf? Do you feel out of the game? Or are the people around you and the world that you see, making you feel that way? Perspective, dahlings, perspective! Get some and then reassess. TTB does approve of the way you are going about things. First job and purpose, then Mr. Briefcase. It will save you a lot of trouble along the way as you have a vision for yourself and thus you won’t fall into the trap that many handbags do, where they cling onto some unsuspecting briefcase for reasons of security. (The relationship almost always fails because both people need to have independent direction in their lives before they can have a meaningful purpose together.) So you keep doing your “Independent Women” vibe because it’s not the job of the handbag to be running after them briefcases, wait to for that briefcase to find a secure, independent you! (So as long as you don’t have: “I am unavailable. Leave me alone!” printed on your forehead, I think you’re okay.) TTB thinks that you are most excellent handbags and can’t wait to hear of the fab jobs you are both going to get where you can start living on more of a champers and caviar diet and ditch the peanut butter!

Yours sincerely
TTB