Monday, March 22, 2010

The trouble with romance

Dear TTB

Yesterday I went on my first date with…well…I’m not really sure what to call him. I guess, he’s my friend but he is heading towards becoming my boyfriend. Maybe we’re in Bermuda? Anyhow, I am sure you are going to be so horrified by this and I really need your advice about what to do next. He took me to McDonald’s! I was so shocked. Of all the places in the world, he took me to McDonald’s! I had dressed up and everything. We had a good time but I’m just not sure if this should go any further. I mean he is obviously not romantic and probably doesn’t understand me since he took me to the most unromantic restaurant IN THE WORLD! (Can I even call it a restaurant?) Is this relationship doomed? Should I jump ship now? How should I tell him that I don’t want to see him again?

Thanks for taking the time to write back to me.

From
Girl looking for romance

Dear Girl looking for romance

Good on you for going on a date! I am sorry to hear that it did not meet your expectations. Firstly I must ask you a few questions before advising you on this situation. Did he collect you for the evening or arrange to meet you somewhere that was convenient for you? Did he open doors for you and allow you to order first? Did he make good conversation and show an interest in your life? Did you have fun? Did he make sure you got home safely? If you answered mostly no to the questions above: jump ship. If mostly yes, then I think your date was probably far more successful than you think!

Often relationships start off with dramatic shows of “romance”: dinner at The Vineyard, dozens of red roses and tons of Lindt Chocolate, only to crash and burn ending in a break up at McDonald’s. (Because no one wants to pay for a break up meal at the Five Flies) The classic charmer type engages in this sort of extravagance. Believe me, you want to stay well away from those types! They are in it for the chase and once the excitement has worn off they become bored and flit off to their latest conquest. Handbags are usually totally taken by their charm and end up smitten and then ultimately heartbroken. You my dear, should be in search of salt of the earth type. Not a charmer. Aside from learning the difference between the illustrious charmer and the wonderful salt of the earth type, I also think you need to rethink what your concept of romance is.

Handbags the world over have some very strange ideas about what romance is. I do pity briefcases. Handbags sometimes have the most impossible demands in the quest to feel “romanced”. I am afraid to say I have a feeling that you might be one of these impossible handbags. I hope I am wrong but if I am correct, do not fear The Turquoise Bag is here! My aim is to reform your ideas in just one blog entry! As Maria von Trapp pointed out, it’s always best to start at the very beginning and I am sure she would point us in the direction of a good, old dictionary to find out what romance is? The Oxford Dictionary defines romance as, “a general term that refers to the attempt to express love with words and deeds.” (Note here that the definition does not include spending oodles of cash on expensive restaurants.) It’s all about the Facta et Verba. Now ask yourself the question: Can this briefcase truly be in love with me in such a short space of time? The short answer is: no! Can you thus have an expectation of him to be expressing this sort of romantic love if he’s just getting to know you? NO! So TTB thinks, my dear, that it’s really you who needs the wake up call and not him!

Handbags and briefcases sometimes fall into the trap of being in love with well, being in love. (This is classic charmer psychology.) They like the wining and dining, the chasing or being pursued, they love sending the roses and receiving them, they LOVE LOVE LOVE the flirting in those early days of getting to know each other. But do they love the other person? Nope. Will they ever love the other person? Nope. Why? Because this sort of narcissistic, “romantic” dating is all about me, me, me and my selfish desires to feel like someone dotes on me. In this case the so-called “romance” is just a tool to make someone feel in love as opposed to loving someone and then becoming more romantic as you get to know them. It’s the wrong way round! Don’t fall into this trap of confusing the two. It’s so much better to start off with a first date in McDonald’s and end with a romantic engagement at (insert your favourite place for a perfect engagement)! As opposed to the alternative I suggested earlier of starting off feeling “romanced” but ending up heartbroken.

Romance is not a briefcase emptying his piggy bank to take you to the most expensive restaurant – that’s just foolishness! Romance is not remembering every single anniversary. (Some handbags get very carried away with this. They want to commemorate the day they met, the day they started dating, the day they first said those 3 magic words, never mind important dates like that of your wedding…I mean, really it gets a bit much.) And the poor old briefcases get terrible tongue lashings or a bout of the silent treatment - depending on what sort of handbag she is - should these VID’s (very important dates) be forgotten. Romance is not red roses, expensive gifts and tons of chocolate. I don’t think it is anything tangible (or fattening for that matter). In fact this kind of wining, dining and chocolating is very bad for any handbags’ BMI…

Now, you might be wondering if TTB has a vendetta against romance. Let TTB be very clear: she is very in favour of handbags being romanced by the salt of the earth type, provided this happens in the correct order, first love then romance. So now you’re thinking, “Okay, TTB thanks for telling me how useless my ideas about romance is, but can you tell me what romance is after your exposition of what it isn’t.” Well, it’s difficult to say what form romance will take in your relationship because it’s very dependent on who you are and what you appreciate. For some people who find themselves in the uppermost socioeconomic group, romance may include expensive restaurants and fine wine. For others it’s letter writing, or speeches of words of affection or finding a single flower pinned to your front door. The long and the short of it is that romance is about being thoughtful and intentional about spending time together and doing the simple things that you know will be appreciated by the other person and remind them that you love them. TTB is just going to reiterate that the love already has to be there it can’t be conjured up by these displays of romance. (TTB believes in repetition, repetition, repetition!)

In conclusion, it’s about the quality of the time and not the quality of the food. If you’re looking for fine dining and wining, you had better find yourself a Donald Trump. (I am not convinced that this would be a good option particularly as he has told young Tiger to continue being a playboy. Honestly.) So, my advice is give this briefcase a chance. Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you are meant for each other, the romance will come all on its own once you are really falling in love. Manners maketh the man; not the restaurant he takes you to.

Yours sincerely
TTB

PS I happen to be a big fan of the golden arches. Just an indulgence every now and then especially when I find myself in Pinelands. Or back in Asia and need something a little Western to remind me of home so don’t write me again if you haven’t anything good to say about Ronald McDonald and his team.

PPS. Stop worrying about being in Bermuda. Clearly you’re not, because he asked you out on a date. Asking girls out on dates takes some guts, courage and determination. Do you honestly think this briefcase would be putting himself out there and asking you out if he wasn’t keen? Hang onto him – sounds like a keeper!

The trouble with Feminism

Dear Readers

TTB has recently been accused of being a feminist by some briefcases. She wants to make it very clear that she is not a feminist. Just a handbag who tells it like it is. She is totally on the side of love (and wearing bra’s) and acknowledges that sometimes handbags are a real pain, as are briefcases. She doesn’t think that handbags are perfect or superior in anyway. (If you’re a briefcase and you’re reading this – don’t get all excited and think that TTB is by default saying that briefcases are superior. She doesn’t believe that either) Just different. And sometimes (wait, who is TTB fooling, most times) they just don’t understand each other. So the purpose of this blog is to make handbags think before they let their emotions get the better of them and to make briefcases (who happen to stumble across this blog) consider wising up with a bit of Emotional Intelligence.

Yours sincerely and on the side of better handbag-briefcase relations,
TTB

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The trouble with being homeless and unemployed

TTB has enjoyed a frivolous break from the serious but is back in the saddle tackling social issues and turns her attention this week to homelessness and unemployment.

As you may know, The Turquoise Bag spent 4 months last year as a nomad and had a taste of what ‘homelessness’ was like. Well, not really, she always had a roof over her head provided by her kind friends and family but this sojourn reignited a passion for the plight of the homeless and unemployed. So when she read an article the other day in The Tatler about CID (which stands for City Improvement District) she was horrified to read that part of the mandate of UCT’s CID project was “management of the homeless”. Management of the homeless, I say. Whoever thought of such a concept? It sounded as if this group was proposing setting up a business called Homeless Incorporated and were going to set about well, managing homeless people. Mmmm… TTB does not think the homeless need ‘managing’ (which is really just a euphemism for “making sure the homeless find another suburb to bother”) but they do need homes!

During this nomadic time of utter chaos and moving from house to house as documented in her entry ‘The trouble with being unthankful’, TTB really learned to be ever so thankful for having a house, running water and transport. You see, it’s once your life’s routine is thrown out the back window that you realize how very nice that front door is that you have – however humble it may appear to your covetous eyes. For a long time TTB has been considering this issue of poverty. This blog entry is by no means a definitive exposition of that hefty question: Why there is suffering in the world? C.S. Lewis can definitely say a whole lot more than she can on this subject. The philosophy of suffering would take an age to understand and even then we would still be lost for answers. However the more and more TTB lives in this uncertain world, the more this handbag clutches (pardon the pun!) onto the one thing she is sure of: God has the answers to it all! So, TTB has been humbly asking God to show him some of His ways to change this world.

One only has to drive around the streets of Cape Town for half an hour to find that there are hundreds of thousands of homeless and unemployed people living on the streets. If TTB were to give 1 South African raant to every homeless person she encounters, she’d be bankrupt within a few days! So then, what is a handbag to do? After all handing out a raant here and there might actually do more damage than good to most street people by perpetuating this lifestyle of living on the streets and drug and alcohol dependency. She does not think that all homeless people are on the streets by choice or because of substance abuse. Bad circumstances and a fallen world are often to blame. In fact she is happy to admit that her research into the reasons for why homeless people end up on the streets is very limited. Either way, handing out money to people on the side of the road is not a sustainable solution.

She has been particularly inspired by the work several people she knows have been doing with an organization called U-turn. U-turn has several projects on the go that have a sound philosophy of rehabilitation of street people underpinning it. U-turn uses a 3 step plan: making contact, rehabilitation and reintegration. One of the ways they have endeavoured to make contact with street people is through meal and clothing vouchers. A pack of 5 meal/clothing vouchers is sold at R20 at outlets around the city like The Engen Garage in Main Road, Claremont or Juta Stores in Dreyer Street. Vouchers can also be bought from the U-turn website. Recognising that many people like TTB often want to do something practical for street people but end up giving them money out of guilt or by default, U-turn sells vouchers that can be given to the homeless and then redeemed by them at the U-turn warehouse. They can use these vouchers for food or for an item of clothing and this also works as a means for street people to be introduced to U-turn and if they are willing to make changes, work with the organization to better their lives. Thus, people who genuinely want help are being assisted.

TTB thinks this a great way for people of the public who have a heart for the poor and want to help them in a constructive way to get involved. This way, you are contributing to a reputable organization that is not working on a “hand out” system and thus never encourages change in the individual nor are you giving money to someone who may lack the responsibility to use it for food. Purchasing meal vouchers ahead of time, also means that you are being intentional about caring for the poor and will not hand out cash at the next robot because you are guilt-ridden. Your guilt because of your abundance won’t make a difference anyway! But your cheerful generosity will! Check out their website: www.homeless.org.za

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The trouble with being "Seventeen Again"

Dear TTB

My boyfriend of 2 years recently started working. I have been so excited for him to enter the working world as I was hoping that we would be able to settle down and get married. But I was so wrong. He has started spending more and more time partying, hanging out with “the guys” and just wanting to have fun. He gets very annoyed if I suggest that we do anything other than hang around in studenty spots – places we haven’t been to in the last 3 years - and devotes much of his weekend and sometimes even week nights to the pastimes he had when we were first year UCT students! What do you think, I should do? Give him an ultimatum to cease this silly behaviour and propose?

From
I-want-to-get-married-girl

Dear I-want-to-get-married-girl

Oh dear, TTB can only imagine what your weekends have turned into hanging out in classless clubs and pubs! She does sympathize with you for that. It seems your significant other has a very virulent case of “Seventeen Again”. Yes, it’s Matthew Perry wanting to be Zac Efron…

The long and the short of it is: briefcases are presented with the real world and have a sudden crisis when they realize that their chilled out student life with 3 months holiday has been replaced with bills, medical aid, retirement annuities, long work hours and 15 days of annual leave! It is kind of a bummer, don’t you think? They dream of their former glory days where they used to play touch on the Kopano fields, go pub golfing, stay out late and sleep all day. So they try to recreate this happy time of freedom and fun. It doesn’t last too long. For the Average Joe – just a few months while they transition and find their feet at work or accept that the partying and a 9 – 5 job leads to exhaustion and grumpiness. They soon realize that while this new phase might be more restrictive on their time, it does afford them financial independence and purpose to get up in the morning!

The WORST thing you can do is give your briefcase an ultimatum to stop being “Seventeen Again” and buy you a flashy diamond ring. That will just bring out more of the Zac and less of the Matt. And you don’t want to be dating Zac for any longer than you need to (even if he’s a hottie). It seems you are ready to settle down but he clearly isn’t. Giving him an ultimatum isn’t going to change that. Besides, do you really want to ultimatum someone into proposing to you? This has got to be a "he goes 90 you go 10" scenario. Setting ultimatums is just doing too much work!

If he was one of those unemployed hedonists hanging out with different 18 year old girls every week and jolling until all hours of the morning, TTB would issue a “Dump him before he can say Zac Efron” decree. That’s the worst case of “Seventeen Again” and TTB has little hope that those types she likes to call “Peter Pan’s lost boys” will ever grow up! But it seems your briefcase just needs a bit of time and space. Be supportive and allow him this time to adjust. If in 3 months things haven’t changed, it might be time to accept that either he is just not that into you or he is just lacking the maturity to settle down with you. At that point TTB would suggest that you love and leave his ass!

In conclusion, transitioning into the pressures of the working world is not for the faint hearted. Adding more pressure to the boiler room by telling him to settle down with you will only make things worse and doesn’t show much understanding of where he is at. Who knows? Maybe he is hanging out in cheap studenty places because he’s saving up for that diamond ring? Ok, unlikely. But think positively – at least you’re not in Bermuda!

Yours sincerely
TTB

Monday, March 1, 2010

The trouble with feeling fat

The Turquoise Bag is officially feeling fat. It’s a fact she’s been trying to ignore for the last 6 months but every now and then a whimper of a reminder comes her way. For example, yesterday she made the foolish error of accompanying two of her handbag sisters (biological not like “sistahs”) to the mall. Well, accompanying is perhaps a strong word. It was more like chauffeuring and then collapsing on a chair at Seattle to drown her sorrows in a Frozen Mocha filled with yummy calories as she lamented both a swollen ankle and the fact that she now feels like she embellishes that phrase “supersize me” so well. This was after trying on a few items of clothing that only emphasized her growing childbearing hips…that aren’t carrying any children!

Do you know what TTB’s talking about, dear reader? The terrible moment when you realize, well, that your chubby “phase” has become your chubby life! It’s awful! “No more shopping trips!” you think resolutely. “No more shopping until I am back to my slim size …” (The … means that you can fill in the gap. It just kind of makes it more personal and allows you to fill in your former slim size. That is, unless you’re an Ethiopian model who still is the very essence of your skinny self) “I am going to gym everyday. No more choccocinos or delicious triple chocolate mousses or yummy mint crisp chocolate. No sirree!” you say sincerely.

And then after about 6 months of attempting to give up your favourite treats and gym the excess weight away, your clothes are terribly last season, dahling. So, you psych yourself up to take the trip to the dreaded clothing shop mirror to jazz up your summer 2009 wardrobe. But it doesn’t help. Instead you end up in a comfort eating frenzy trying to conjure up the endorphins that successful clothes shopping used to release into your brain. Do you ever have one of those “feeling fat days”? Those days where it doesn’t matter what people say or how glam you look, you just FEEEEEL fat. Generally these “feeling fat days” accompany unsuccessful shopping trips. Today TTB is having a “feeling fat day”. TTB thinks that in the interest of social welfare and the success and stability of places of work around the country, handbags should be granted at least 6 days annual leave for those days she has dubbed, “feeling fat days”.

Imagine how lovely it would be to have a “feeling fat day” in the privacy of your own home while watching “When Harry met Sally” or “My Best Friend’s Wedding” or “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”? (Just a few of TTB’s favourites). Just imagine not having to lock yourself in your office to avoid dealing with anyone face to face on a “feeling fat day”. Just imagine not having to be forced to be in a staff video on a “feeling fat day”. That’s what happened to TTB today. She was forced against her will to be in a video on her day of feeling fat. That should be punishable by law. Everyone knows the camera adds 10 pounds! And who can fairly subject a handbag to that on a “feeling fat day”? TTB has decided that when this revolting video without choreography is displayed for all the world to see, she will be taking a "feeling fat day" and let anyone try and mess with that...