The Turquoise Bag has had a rather contemplative time of late – answering questions and being accused of being a feminist and all that. Make no mistake she does enjoy a good challenge and a heartfelt request for her to share her wisdom, but every handbag deserves a break from being an agony aunt. There are some questions in her inbox which she will answer in due time but for today she’s going to be a tad selfish and write about the things that bring delight to her little handbag life. She has realized that likes and dislikes often change. That’s the trouble with them, or so she used to think. It used to really bother TTB that she would like something for awhile and then change her mind. Or really dislike something (or someone for that matter) and then have a change of heart. She thought this made her flaky, a bit like a Bermuda, or inconsistent or even unreliable. However, she made an important realization that people’s tastes change over time and that’s a-okay. After all, the fashion industry would cease to exist if we just liked the same things for forever and a day. You see, dear reader, likes are different to commitments. Commitments need to be iron clad and unchanging. They can’t be influenced by emotions. Sometimes we have to make decisions to commit to things and then stick to it whether we like it or not. (This is good, solid advice for relationships, but let’s not go there today. TTB has realized that her blog entries have become very serious and she wants to indulge in a little frivolity.) In the frivolous things in life, one must be free to like and dislike whatever one pleases. Even better, a handbag can change her mind about frivolous things too! So here’s a list of TTB’s likes at the moment (they are subject to change – as are yours!):
1) Estee Lauder (Anything by Estee Lauder)
2) Exclusive Books
3) Seattle’s Hot Chocolate
4) Chocochinos from Woolworths
5) Smarties
6) Mint Crisp Chocolate (Only Cadbury’s, dahling!)
7) Dark Chocolate (Cadbury’s but Lindt suffices)
8) Her Guess Skinny jeans (which she can’t fit into because of the likes above)
9) Running (To counteract said like of all things chocolatey and not being able to fit into Guess jeans)
10) Runner’s World Magazine (Bought to keep like of running alive; lest it fall into the dislike category and Guess jeans become a white elephant)
11) Holidays at the Beach
12) Reading
13) Triple Chocolate Mousse from Woolworths
14) Rye Bread
15) Series!
16) Receiving letters
17) Clutch Pencils
TTB thought it good to end on a prime number (instead of her usual practice of keeping it even) as she is trying to work on her perfectionism. She is not going to list her dislikes. This blog is really devoted to writing about the things she objects to in this crazy world we call home and she would hate to bore anyone by being repetitive. So until next time, TTB bids you adieu and advises you to stay well away from that Bermuda triangle!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The trouble with being a briefcase
Dear TTB
Perhaps more importantly, how should a guy treat a girl who he is "considering" (you know what i mean)? if you ask her out and then things don't turn out well there is a big break-up, and it seems that if he spends time with her before asking her out and then decides it's not going to work he is a coward? Is he a coward because he didn't like you? Surely the coward is the one who really does like you but then doesn't convey that? Is there no place for guys and girls to get to know each other better except for big group events?
These are all serious questions. If I was having a go at you I'd be an idiot. Or an "oke"."
Regards
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
I must say that I think you have asked some of the most pertinent questions that every briefcase should be asking himself. It gives me great joy that you are considering these dilemmas. The truth is that relationships are such a mystery – why we fall in love, who we fall in love with and ultimately why on earth it even works out! It’s truly a miracle when it does. So, I guess one could throw the towel in and give up because if you’re a perfectionist like me, you want to do it all perfectly. Alas, this is not possible. Everyone at some point in their lives ends up in Bermuda or shipwrecked or both. Relationships are always a risk and so we need to bear this in mind whenever we enter into them.
It is inevitable that’s some relationships do end up in The Bermuda Triangle and are ultimately successful. So I must clarify that Bermuda is only a bad thing when people remain in it for an extended period of time. I definitely agree that there is room for handbags and briefcases to have some time where the friendship is not quite defined but at some point a decision needs to be made one way or the other. What I am anti is “friendships” where the lines are blurred for far too long where either party (because handbags have also been known to keep a few briefcases in Bermuda while they decide whether they are in fact interested in dating the said briefcase. This usually happens with petite, shiny, Gucci-like handbags that briefcases the world over admire. But I digress…) is covertly holding the other’s heart at ransom while trying to decide whether said person is “the one”. So, yes, my objection is indeed to this sort of cowardice where handbags or briefcases are considering each other but not brave enough to say anything in trying to avoid dating and ending up in the shipwrecked zone. Or the other case where one or the other decides not to pursue a relationship and then flits on to the next person he/she wants to suss out. Now that’s cowardice at its worst! You don’t have to fall in love with anyone but if you’re sussing ‘em out at least have the courage to tell them so! This brings me to an important point.
How to treat a woman you are considering dating? When considering asking a woman out: Communication is your ally. I thinks there is totally room for a man and a woman to get to know each other better outside of the boring “big event” category as long as intentions and expectations are clearly communicated. This is my idealistic idea of how this should work out: Briefcase notices handbag. Briefcase asks handbag out for dinner/a drink/not coffee. (Really. Not coffee – it’s overdone and very boring). Briefcase tells handbag he would like to get to know her better, if she is also keen for said getting to know each other experience. Briefcase CLEARLY communicates that he is not sure if they will in fact end up in some long lasting relationship – he realizes she may not want to or he may not want to or both of them may not want to, after spending some time together. Both parties understand that there is no commitment. Briefcase and handbag go on dates and fall in love. Voila!
Ok, that’s perhaps an over simplification but I hope you can see my point. Both parties know what’s going on. Neither is left wondering where this friendship is heading or trying to analyze the “signals”. (It’s probably only the handbag that will be engaging in this signal interpretation) The reality is still that the relationship may not work out, just like if people stayed in Bermuda where things might also not work out for the best, but they didn’t end up “dating and breaking up”. Do you think that people end up being less hurt? In my many years of counselling young handbags I have found they end up being just as upset and very confused because they were in this weird, pseudo-relationship where they were more than friends but less than lovers. Whenever emotions are involved, it's very hard to avoid pain - even when one has the best intentions at heart.
In conclusion, handbags and briefcases are destined to find each other. Sometimes it doesn't work out along the way. The best you can do is to treat any woman you potentially want to date with honesty and kindness. Whether you do or don't date; break up or get married - she'll appreciate your attempt at always communicating transparently with her. You also have to accept that relationships are mysterious and a risk, as I pointed out earlier. And as Lord Farquard so elegantly said in Shrek, "It's a risk I am willing to take."
Yours sincerely
TTB
Perhaps more importantly, how should a guy treat a girl who he is "considering" (you know what i mean)? if you ask her out and then things don't turn out well there is a big break-up, and it seems that if he spends time with her before asking her out and then decides it's not going to work he is a coward? Is he a coward because he didn't like you? Surely the coward is the one who really does like you but then doesn't convey that? Is there no place for guys and girls to get to know each other better except for big group events?
These are all serious questions. If I was having a go at you I'd be an idiot. Or an "oke"."
Regards
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
I must say that I think you have asked some of the most pertinent questions that every briefcase should be asking himself. It gives me great joy that you are considering these dilemmas. The truth is that relationships are such a mystery – why we fall in love, who we fall in love with and ultimately why on earth it even works out! It’s truly a miracle when it does. So, I guess one could throw the towel in and give up because if you’re a perfectionist like me, you want to do it all perfectly. Alas, this is not possible. Everyone at some point in their lives ends up in Bermuda or shipwrecked or both. Relationships are always a risk and so we need to bear this in mind whenever we enter into them.
It is inevitable that’s some relationships do end up in The Bermuda Triangle and are ultimately successful. So I must clarify that Bermuda is only a bad thing when people remain in it for an extended period of time. I definitely agree that there is room for handbags and briefcases to have some time where the friendship is not quite defined but at some point a decision needs to be made one way or the other. What I am anti is “friendships” where the lines are blurred for far too long where either party (because handbags have also been known to keep a few briefcases in Bermuda while they decide whether they are in fact interested in dating the said briefcase. This usually happens with petite, shiny, Gucci-like handbags that briefcases the world over admire. But I digress…) is covertly holding the other’s heart at ransom while trying to decide whether said person is “the one”. So, yes, my objection is indeed to this sort of cowardice where handbags or briefcases are considering each other but not brave enough to say anything in trying to avoid dating and ending up in the shipwrecked zone. Or the other case where one or the other decides not to pursue a relationship and then flits on to the next person he/she wants to suss out. Now that’s cowardice at its worst! You don’t have to fall in love with anyone but if you’re sussing ‘em out at least have the courage to tell them so! This brings me to an important point.
How to treat a woman you are considering dating? When considering asking a woman out: Communication is your ally. I thinks there is totally room for a man and a woman to get to know each other better outside of the boring “big event” category as long as intentions and expectations are clearly communicated. This is my idealistic idea of how this should work out: Briefcase notices handbag. Briefcase asks handbag out for dinner/a drink/not coffee. (Really. Not coffee – it’s overdone and very boring). Briefcase tells handbag he would like to get to know her better, if she is also keen for said getting to know each other experience. Briefcase CLEARLY communicates that he is not sure if they will in fact end up in some long lasting relationship – he realizes she may not want to or he may not want to or both of them may not want to, after spending some time together. Both parties understand that there is no commitment. Briefcase and handbag go on dates and fall in love. Voila!
Ok, that’s perhaps an over simplification but I hope you can see my point. Both parties know what’s going on. Neither is left wondering where this friendship is heading or trying to analyze the “signals”. (It’s probably only the handbag that will be engaging in this signal interpretation) The reality is still that the relationship may not work out, just like if people stayed in Bermuda where things might also not work out for the best, but they didn’t end up “dating and breaking up”. Do you think that people end up being less hurt? In my many years of counselling young handbags I have found they end up being just as upset and very confused because they were in this weird, pseudo-relationship where they were more than friends but less than lovers. Whenever emotions are involved, it's very hard to avoid pain - even when one has the best intentions at heart.
In conclusion, handbags and briefcases are destined to find each other. Sometimes it doesn't work out along the way. The best you can do is to treat any woman you potentially want to date with honesty and kindness. Whether you do or don't date; break up or get married - she'll appreciate your attempt at always communicating transparently with her. You also have to accept that relationships are mysterious and a risk, as I pointed out earlier. And as Lord Farquard so elegantly said in Shrek, "It's a risk I am willing to take."
Yours sincerely
TTB
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The trouble with being friends
Dear TTB
What does your academy entail? Are you hoping to monetize this? Your most urgent task should perhaps be to educate woman in realising when they're entering Bermuda? Should the academy then not be for them? The "okes" will then not be able to get away with playing around in Bermuda so easily. No?
My biggest question. How should an "oke" treat a girl who he honestly only wants to be friends with? What should he avoid doing? Should he act even more cautiously if he realises that the girl likes him?
Regards
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Thank you for asking these questions. The truth is both men and women need to enroll in Emotional Intelligence academies. When that John Gray wrote his book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” he really knew his stuff! TTB agrees that her main task is to educate women about the perils of Bermuda. Indeed this is the very reason her blog has gone global. TTB figured that only women would be interested in reading her blog and hence she suggested the academy for men. However, since receiving such an overwhelming response from a number of briefcases, TTB is happy to have been proven wrong and perhaps her blog will suffice as a crash course in EI 101? She is so pleased to hear that briefcases also think about these deep but confusing relational realities.
The simple answer to your question is: treat a friend like a friend and a girlfriend like a girlfriend. So, give a moment of thought how you would treat a woman you were dating and then make sure that you are not treating any female friends the same way. Be careful of too much affection, text messaging, emailing and one on one time etc. TTB is not suggesting you cut these off from your friendships with women - everything in moderation. Be mindful of how women are just wired differently and do become more emotionally attached and “read into things.”
So for example, men tend to be more likely to tell women about deep, meaningful things than other men. It is kind of one the things that make relationships work – men look for nurturing, encouraging women and women look for decisive, task oriented men. TTB has often observed how this plays out in friendships between men and women. A guy over shares on all sorts of deep things that he can’t tell his guy friends (because they might laugh at him) and a girl reads this as, “He wants to share his life with me!” And then gets all ahead of herself and starts dreaming about big, diamond rings and white, wedding gowns... Rather find a guy you can have a real DMC with, or save it for your mom as this is classic girlfriend and not friend territory.
Another strategy TTB approves of is just coming out and saying it, gently, “I just want to be friends with you.” I know, it does sound a bit presumptuous. She might be offended for a week or so, but she’ll get over it and it will at least save you from entering that dreaded triangle or having a situation where you have to address the fact that she’s into you. So keep lines of communication clear with your lady friends when establishing a friendship and especially if you suspect she might be interested in being more than compadres. The other strategy, when you think a girl likes you but you’re not feeling it, is to just wait it out, distance yourself and hope that the crush will turn into nothingness. It does avoid the awkwardness of having “the conversation” but there’s always a risk that she may be even more hurt and offended by your ignoring her. So, TTB thinks it’s probably best just to face it head on.
I’ll leave you with a question: Can men and women ever really be “just friends”. TTB’s jury is still out on this one and she’ll leave that to be answered in a later blog entry.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS TTB is giving your second letter some intense thought. She will have an answer for you shortly.
What does your academy entail? Are you hoping to monetize this? Your most urgent task should perhaps be to educate woman in realising when they're entering Bermuda? Should the academy then not be for them? The "okes" will then not be able to get away with playing around in Bermuda so easily. No?
My biggest question. How should an "oke" treat a girl who he honestly only wants to be friends with? What should he avoid doing? Should he act even more cautiously if he realises that the girl likes him?
Regards
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
Thank you for asking these questions. The truth is both men and women need to enroll in Emotional Intelligence academies. When that John Gray wrote his book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” he really knew his stuff! TTB agrees that her main task is to educate women about the perils of Bermuda. Indeed this is the very reason her blog has gone global. TTB figured that only women would be interested in reading her blog and hence she suggested the academy for men. However, since receiving such an overwhelming response from a number of briefcases, TTB is happy to have been proven wrong and perhaps her blog will suffice as a crash course in EI 101? She is so pleased to hear that briefcases also think about these deep but confusing relational realities.
The simple answer to your question is: treat a friend like a friend and a girlfriend like a girlfriend. So, give a moment of thought how you would treat a woman you were dating and then make sure that you are not treating any female friends the same way. Be careful of too much affection, text messaging, emailing and one on one time etc. TTB is not suggesting you cut these off from your friendships with women - everything in moderation. Be mindful of how women are just wired differently and do become more emotionally attached and “read into things.”
So for example, men tend to be more likely to tell women about deep, meaningful things than other men. It is kind of one the things that make relationships work – men look for nurturing, encouraging women and women look for decisive, task oriented men. TTB has often observed how this plays out in friendships between men and women. A guy over shares on all sorts of deep things that he can’t tell his guy friends (because they might laugh at him) and a girl reads this as, “He wants to share his life with me!” And then gets all ahead of herself and starts dreaming about big, diamond rings and white, wedding gowns... Rather find a guy you can have a real DMC with, or save it for your mom as this is classic girlfriend and not friend territory.
Another strategy TTB approves of is just coming out and saying it, gently, “I just want to be friends with you.” I know, it does sound a bit presumptuous. She might be offended for a week or so, but she’ll get over it and it will at least save you from entering that dreaded triangle or having a situation where you have to address the fact that she’s into you. So keep lines of communication clear with your lady friends when establishing a friendship and especially if you suspect she might be interested in being more than compadres. The other strategy, when you think a girl likes you but you’re not feeling it, is to just wait it out, distance yourself and hope that the crush will turn into nothingness. It does avoid the awkwardness of having “the conversation” but there’s always a risk that she may be even more hurt and offended by your ignoring her. So, TTB thinks it’s probably best just to face it head on.
I’ll leave you with a question: Can men and women ever really be “just friends”. TTB’s jury is still out on this one and she’ll leave that to be answered in a later blog entry.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS TTB is giving your second letter some intense thought. She will have an answer for you shortly.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The trouble with the good
Dear Hot Turquoise Bag
I have read your blog and really like what I am hearing. You are obviously a bag who likes to speak her mind and enjoys direct communication. I am a briefcase who is in search of a bag just like you. Please may I have your number?
Yours truly
Mr Briefcase
PS Happy Valentine’s Day
Dear Mr Briefcase
I am very flattered by your attention. I particularly like the forthright manner in which you approached me. Please submit a full length photo, recent bank statements and projected life plan. Should I think our paths should cross, I shall be happy to oblige. But until then, you keep out of Bermuda with any other handbags and continue working on that direct communication aspect. (Although your chances of meeting me will diminish significantly should you attempt to use this direct approach on more than one handbag simultaneously.) I know. It’s tough. But a faint heart never won a fair lady. I never tire of that saying…
Yours sincerely
T(H)TB
I have read your blog and really like what I am hearing. You are obviously a bag who likes to speak her mind and enjoys direct communication. I am a briefcase who is in search of a bag just like you. Please may I have your number?
Yours truly
Mr Briefcase
PS Happy Valentine’s Day
Dear Mr Briefcase
I am very flattered by your attention. I particularly like the forthright manner in which you approached me. Please submit a full length photo, recent bank statements and projected life plan. Should I think our paths should cross, I shall be happy to oblige. But until then, you keep out of Bermuda with any other handbags and continue working on that direct communication aspect. (Although your chances of meeting me will diminish significantly should you attempt to use this direct approach on more than one handbag simultaneously.) I know. It’s tough. But a faint heart never won a fair lady. I never tire of that saying…
Yours sincerely
T(H)TB
The trouble with the bad
For this blog entry I have taken excerpts from the letters I have received and amalgamated them into one letter. Unfortunately there are so many handbags who find themselves in the same predicament…
Dear TTB
I have this friend who often smses me to ask me questions related to my career field. I am always happy to help him and we have struck up a lovely friendship. I mean, the only time he ever gets in touch with me is when he needs a question answered, but his phone calls and text messages are also about me. He always wants to know how I am doing and feeling. We have started spending more time together as he prepares for his exam and needs my assistance. I really, really like him. Do you think it can work?
I know this guy. We have been friends for a good 5 years. We have stuck together through life’s tough times. He’s been through a very hectic life experience and I’ve been there for him as he has been trying to make important life decisions. We spend many hours speaking about his future and what he wants to do with his life. I am sort of his confidante. I know no one else understands him like I do. I am in love with him and am sure he feels the same way. Do you think I should bring it up or wait for him to tell me how he feels?
My friend is this super intense and intelligent guy. I am so attracted to him! He is easy to talk to and we have similar interests. But I don’t just like him for that, I really want to help him to realise how amazing he is. You see, I think, he has a super low self-esteem. He isn’t willing to take any risks and doesn’t think he is good at anything. But what I don’t understand is that he has lots of friends who are girls and he seems to be quite flirtatious. Yet, he never follows through on the flirting – that’s what I mean on the not taking a risk thing! How can I make him realise how much he means to me and that I won’t reject him?
Yours faithfully
Confused Girl 1,2 and 3
Dear Confused Girls
Please go to your kitchen and make a cup of tea. Have you made your tea? Good. Now please sit down. The truth is, all 3 of you are most definitely in Bermuda. I am sorry to say this but your relationship with your respective love interest is, well, inappropriately more involved than it ought to be. All three of you have leapt into these friendships handing over your heart to men who were all too happy to let it dangle there in Bermuda territory, while they got what they needed from the friendships.
Confused Girl 1, you have the classic, “I’ll make use of your expertise/money/kindness guy while you fall in love with me” scenario. He’s probably not a bad fellow. He knows a good thing when he sees it. He realises you are intelligent and is probably genuinely concerned for your well being but only for as much as he can get out of you. He only contacts you when he needs something and by the sounds of things you are tutoring him for free. I am sure he is very charming and the friendship has had some romantic moments. But don’t be fooled, this guy will drop you like a hot potato as soon as he doesn’t need your expertise any longer. My advice would be to kindly refuse him any more assistance and wave the “friendship” goodbye. Besides, do you really want to be someone’s tutor or their lover?
Confused Girl 2, you have the classic, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life guy” for a friend. He is complex and has tons of issues. He can never make up his mind about what he wants his future to look like and needs to have constant in depth discussions about how lost he is in the world. When I hear the words complex and confused, I look for the closest exit sign! Your friend is so self-involved he probably never has any time to look after anyone else’s needs. Girlfriends and wives give constant heartfelt, in depth advice like this. Not friends! Point him towards a career counsellor, parent or wiser friend. It’s not your place to be mapping out his future. Men who don’t know what they want to do with their lives are hazardous. And believe me; their egos can’t handle a woman who does have her life together as it seems you do. Draw some very strict boundaries with him not allowing him to talk about his confusion with you and take a big step out of this Bermuda triangle. (I mean like limited contact, if any) This is so that you both can examine your true feelings. Once he has figured out his future (on his own), he may be in a position to look after you for a change. (Although, it is likely that you will have moved on by then.) You’re not an agony aunt, so stop being treated like one!
Dear Confused Girl 3, your chap has a case of the “I lack confidence so I need to surround myself with caring women to make me feel better”. It’s very simple: he needs therapy. I am sure he has many stellar qualities to recommend him and that you mean well in wanting to save him from his insecurities. But that sets off alarm bells for me. We all have a saviour complex in us. Save that for SPCA. (I mean that with no disrespect – saving animals from cruelty is something I strongly encourage) However, this guy is not a stray dog. He needs to learn to be confident and interact normally with other people. In my experience, I have never seen such relationships turn out for the better. Roles of the “insecure one” and “the saviour” are immediately cemented and at some point the insecure one totally stifles the saviour’s world by demanding constant positive reinforcement and attention. Or the saviour grows exhausted from “saving” the other person and needs some TLC. It’s really in your friend’s best interest for him to work through whatever is causing his insecurities. And in yours, to keep him at arms length. Come on, leave the mollycoddling and encouragement to his mom and tell him to stop flirting with you!
Have faith, by next year your “Bermuradar” will be so good that you definitely won’t be in any flaky, pseudo-relationships, but might have even found Mr Briefcase! Better to get rid of the dead weight as soon as possible as you never know who the Bermuda Triangle may be keeping you from meeting? Happy V-day!
Yours sincerely
TTB
xxx
Dear TTB
I have this friend who often smses me to ask me questions related to my career field. I am always happy to help him and we have struck up a lovely friendship. I mean, the only time he ever gets in touch with me is when he needs a question answered, but his phone calls and text messages are also about me. He always wants to know how I am doing and feeling. We have started spending more time together as he prepares for his exam and needs my assistance. I really, really like him. Do you think it can work?
I know this guy. We have been friends for a good 5 years. We have stuck together through life’s tough times. He’s been through a very hectic life experience and I’ve been there for him as he has been trying to make important life decisions. We spend many hours speaking about his future and what he wants to do with his life. I am sort of his confidante. I know no one else understands him like I do. I am in love with him and am sure he feels the same way. Do you think I should bring it up or wait for him to tell me how he feels?
My friend is this super intense and intelligent guy. I am so attracted to him! He is easy to talk to and we have similar interests. But I don’t just like him for that, I really want to help him to realise how amazing he is. You see, I think, he has a super low self-esteem. He isn’t willing to take any risks and doesn’t think he is good at anything. But what I don’t understand is that he has lots of friends who are girls and he seems to be quite flirtatious. Yet, he never follows through on the flirting – that’s what I mean on the not taking a risk thing! How can I make him realise how much he means to me and that I won’t reject him?
Yours faithfully
Confused Girl 1,2 and 3
Dear Confused Girls
Please go to your kitchen and make a cup of tea. Have you made your tea? Good. Now please sit down. The truth is, all 3 of you are most definitely in Bermuda. I am sorry to say this but your relationship with your respective love interest is, well, inappropriately more involved than it ought to be. All three of you have leapt into these friendships handing over your heart to men who were all too happy to let it dangle there in Bermuda territory, while they got what they needed from the friendships.
Confused Girl 1, you have the classic, “I’ll make use of your expertise/money/kindness guy while you fall in love with me” scenario. He’s probably not a bad fellow. He knows a good thing when he sees it. He realises you are intelligent and is probably genuinely concerned for your well being but only for as much as he can get out of you. He only contacts you when he needs something and by the sounds of things you are tutoring him for free. I am sure he is very charming and the friendship has had some romantic moments. But don’t be fooled, this guy will drop you like a hot potato as soon as he doesn’t need your expertise any longer. My advice would be to kindly refuse him any more assistance and wave the “friendship” goodbye. Besides, do you really want to be someone’s tutor or their lover?
Confused Girl 2, you have the classic, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life guy” for a friend. He is complex and has tons of issues. He can never make up his mind about what he wants his future to look like and needs to have constant in depth discussions about how lost he is in the world. When I hear the words complex and confused, I look for the closest exit sign! Your friend is so self-involved he probably never has any time to look after anyone else’s needs. Girlfriends and wives give constant heartfelt, in depth advice like this. Not friends! Point him towards a career counsellor, parent or wiser friend. It’s not your place to be mapping out his future. Men who don’t know what they want to do with their lives are hazardous. And believe me; their egos can’t handle a woman who does have her life together as it seems you do. Draw some very strict boundaries with him not allowing him to talk about his confusion with you and take a big step out of this Bermuda triangle. (I mean like limited contact, if any) This is so that you both can examine your true feelings. Once he has figured out his future (on his own), he may be in a position to look after you for a change. (Although, it is likely that you will have moved on by then.) You’re not an agony aunt, so stop being treated like one!
Dear Confused Girl 3, your chap has a case of the “I lack confidence so I need to surround myself with caring women to make me feel better”. It’s very simple: he needs therapy. I am sure he has many stellar qualities to recommend him and that you mean well in wanting to save him from his insecurities. But that sets off alarm bells for me. We all have a saviour complex in us. Save that for SPCA. (I mean that with no disrespect – saving animals from cruelty is something I strongly encourage) However, this guy is not a stray dog. He needs to learn to be confident and interact normally with other people. In my experience, I have never seen such relationships turn out for the better. Roles of the “insecure one” and “the saviour” are immediately cemented and at some point the insecure one totally stifles the saviour’s world by demanding constant positive reinforcement and attention. Or the saviour grows exhausted from “saving” the other person and needs some TLC. It’s really in your friend’s best interest for him to work through whatever is causing his insecurities. And in yours, to keep him at arms length. Come on, leave the mollycoddling and encouragement to his mom and tell him to stop flirting with you!
Have faith, by next year your “Bermuradar” will be so good that you definitely won’t be in any flaky, pseudo-relationships, but might have even found Mr Briefcase! Better to get rid of the dead weight as soon as possible as you never know who the Bermuda Triangle may be keeping you from meeting? Happy V-day!
Yours sincerely
TTB
xxx
The trouble with the ugly
Dear Turquoise Bag
I was so pissed off when I read your blog entry, “The trouble with Bermuda”!!! I think what you think is totally preposterous!! Chicks should stop psychoanalyzing every little thing okes do. Its really hard being a guy. Chicks give us no credit. We always have to make the first move and then we get shut down. Ka-bam! So, like, what are we supposed to do? We have to like put it out there, like a bit under the radar, and just hang and see if she’s “the one”. And, ja, most of the time she isnt. Because, duh, there can only be one “The One”. Unless I tell a chick I dig her, she must just know that I dont. Guys are not stupid. We know what we want and what we dig. So dont tune us if all we actually trying to do is protect the chick and our friendship with her. For example: like this one chick, she’s still my mate even though I thought for awhile that she was “the one”. But like then I realised at Tiger Tiger that her neighbour was probably “the one”. She like used to be an FHM model. So we hooked up. My mate who is the chick I’m still mates with (not the the FHM model) was super bummed! Like we had spent a lot of time together and stuff but I didnt think it was necessary to like stop photocopying her varsity notes for me. (That happened for a whole week!) Anyway, eventually me and FHM didn’t work out. Ja, I guess, she wasn’t the one. But anyways, now like me and my mate are super close again. She does my laundry and packs me lunch everyday. Flip, I know all of that would have been SO messed up if I had told her that I thought she was “the one” and then hooked up with FHM, who I also thought was “the one” but then realised she also wasn’t “the one”. So can you see how your theory is a load of ****. (Edited out due to expletive) My mate and I are still mates and we hang and we have fun together. And it’s all because I didnt say anything when I thought she was “the one”! I think you must give us guys some credit for like not leading chicks on.
Cheers
Pissed off Guy
Dear PO Guy
Thank you for considering my theory. I was very impressed with your use of the word “preposterous”. It showed me that you did indeed have a brain as it seems you know how to make use of the thesaurus application in MS Word. I do want to point out that in the English language the use of two exclamation marks at the end of the sentence is not allowed. By using the double exclamation you do not achieve your aim of being menacing and showing me how very angry you are. In fact all it shows me is that you need to march yourself back to those Grade 4 English Grammar textbooks and learn how to use punctuation! But, I shall forgive you, as I admit that you do find yourself in a predicament.
Rejection is a sad but common occurrence in the life of every man. (Unless you’re Brad Pitt) Unfortunately it seems that cowardice is also alive and well in the male species. And you my dear, PO Guy, are a coward. I know you’re probably throwing your laptop against the wall by now, as my accusation probably infuriates you. I will continue though, for the benefit of other emotionally challenged men out there. Basically you have 3 major problems in your rebuttal of my Bermuda theory:
1) If you are spending lots of time with any girl, you are leading her on. We spend time with people we like and a woman gauges how much a man likes her by the amount of time he spends with her, how much he confides in her and how often he extends invitations to her. You think you may not have been leading her on, but you are. You may think that because you did not tell her of your feelings earlier in the friendship, she has no reason to think there is anything more to the friendship. But the truth is, at one point, you considered it and I am sure your behaviour led her to think that you were interested. Then you changed your mind and got involved with that Miss FHM. Your friend was clearly hurt by this. Now, you want to be friends with her again which only gives her hope that you like her. There is no question about it; you have been leading her on!
2) Secondly, your “the one” theory is ridiculous especially since you have thought that at least 2 girls were “the one”. (That we know of.) You will continue to go through life looking for “the one”, thinking you have found her and then being disappointed by something in her or finding someone better and changing your mind. There are many women who you could choose to be “the one”. Yes, there are definitely some women who will be far better suited to you than others, but ultimately you have to make a decision to love someone and to daily choose her to be “the one”. At the moment you are just being selfish and “trying out” women to see if by some accident they might be “the one”. All the while that sweet friend of yours is at your every beck and call and being a good replacement until you find “the one”.
3) You not saying that you had feelings for your friend has not made the situation less complicated, but more! Well, I guess it’s not complicated for you, but it is for her. The fact that you didn’t confess your undying love is probably admirable since you did change your mind. So kudos for that. But now you have to be a man and tell her gently that you want to clear the air and make sure that you and her are on the same page: you don’t have feelings for her. And, yes, I would include that once upon a time you did and that you admit that you are a total moron for leading her on. I would advise referring her to my blog for some commiseration with other lovely lasses who have found themselves in the Bermuda Traingle.
In conclusion, you are lazy and a coward. You enjoy the fact that she makes your sandwiches and offers you the notes you are too lazy (there’s that word again!) to take down during lectures. You are obviously not that into her as you cannot decide whether she is “the one” but you continue milking the friendship for all its worth. She on the other hand is clearly devoted to you, Mr Lazy Bones. Why else would she be doing your laundry? This is a relationship of convenience for you and one that she has obviously placed far greater hopes on. And that is a great tragedy on her part. But, shame on you! I really hope you will follow my advice and be honest about the fact that you don’t have feelings for her. Then you must give her the space to move on. No more sandwiches or notes or you! I have great hopes that you will turn your cowardice into courage. After all, a faint heart never won a fair lady! So you better get plenty courageous if you ever want to have a successful relationship one day.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS Please enrol in my Emotional Intelligence 101 course. Details to follow shortly.
PPS The coloured lines that appear underneath text in MS Word shows one when one has made a spelling or punctuation error. You may want to consult it and correct your writing before sending me another letter.
PPPS A paragraph or two wouldn't hurt either - just a suggestion.
I was so pissed off when I read your blog entry, “The trouble with Bermuda”!!! I think what you think is totally preposterous!! Chicks should stop psychoanalyzing every little thing okes do. Its really hard being a guy. Chicks give us no credit. We always have to make the first move and then we get shut down. Ka-bam! So, like, what are we supposed to do? We have to like put it out there, like a bit under the radar, and just hang and see if she’s “the one”. And, ja, most of the time she isnt. Because, duh, there can only be one “The One”. Unless I tell a chick I dig her, she must just know that I dont. Guys are not stupid. We know what we want and what we dig. So dont tune us if all we actually trying to do is protect the chick and our friendship with her. For example: like this one chick, she’s still my mate even though I thought for awhile that she was “the one”. But like then I realised at Tiger Tiger that her neighbour was probably “the one”. She like used to be an FHM model. So we hooked up. My mate who is the chick I’m still mates with (not the the FHM model) was super bummed! Like we had spent a lot of time together and stuff but I didnt think it was necessary to like stop photocopying her varsity notes for me. (That happened for a whole week!) Anyway, eventually me and FHM didn’t work out. Ja, I guess, she wasn’t the one. But anyways, now like me and my mate are super close again. She does my laundry and packs me lunch everyday. Flip, I know all of that would have been SO messed up if I had told her that I thought she was “the one” and then hooked up with FHM, who I also thought was “the one” but then realised she also wasn’t “the one”. So can you see how your theory is a load of ****. (Edited out due to expletive) My mate and I are still mates and we hang and we have fun together. And it’s all because I didnt say anything when I thought she was “the one”! I think you must give us guys some credit for like not leading chicks on.
Cheers
Pissed off Guy
Dear PO Guy
Thank you for considering my theory. I was very impressed with your use of the word “preposterous”. It showed me that you did indeed have a brain as it seems you know how to make use of the thesaurus application in MS Word. I do want to point out that in the English language the use of two exclamation marks at the end of the sentence is not allowed. By using the double exclamation you do not achieve your aim of being menacing and showing me how very angry you are. In fact all it shows me is that you need to march yourself back to those Grade 4 English Grammar textbooks and learn how to use punctuation! But, I shall forgive you, as I admit that you do find yourself in a predicament.
Rejection is a sad but common occurrence in the life of every man. (Unless you’re Brad Pitt) Unfortunately it seems that cowardice is also alive and well in the male species. And you my dear, PO Guy, are a coward. I know you’re probably throwing your laptop against the wall by now, as my accusation probably infuriates you. I will continue though, for the benefit of other emotionally challenged men out there. Basically you have 3 major problems in your rebuttal of my Bermuda theory:
1) If you are spending lots of time with any girl, you are leading her on. We spend time with people we like and a woman gauges how much a man likes her by the amount of time he spends with her, how much he confides in her and how often he extends invitations to her. You think you may not have been leading her on, but you are. You may think that because you did not tell her of your feelings earlier in the friendship, she has no reason to think there is anything more to the friendship. But the truth is, at one point, you considered it and I am sure your behaviour led her to think that you were interested. Then you changed your mind and got involved with that Miss FHM. Your friend was clearly hurt by this. Now, you want to be friends with her again which only gives her hope that you like her. There is no question about it; you have been leading her on!
2) Secondly, your “the one” theory is ridiculous especially since you have thought that at least 2 girls were “the one”. (That we know of.) You will continue to go through life looking for “the one”, thinking you have found her and then being disappointed by something in her or finding someone better and changing your mind. There are many women who you could choose to be “the one”. Yes, there are definitely some women who will be far better suited to you than others, but ultimately you have to make a decision to love someone and to daily choose her to be “the one”. At the moment you are just being selfish and “trying out” women to see if by some accident they might be “the one”. All the while that sweet friend of yours is at your every beck and call and being a good replacement until you find “the one”.
3) You not saying that you had feelings for your friend has not made the situation less complicated, but more! Well, I guess it’s not complicated for you, but it is for her. The fact that you didn’t confess your undying love is probably admirable since you did change your mind. So kudos for that. But now you have to be a man and tell her gently that you want to clear the air and make sure that you and her are on the same page: you don’t have feelings for her. And, yes, I would include that once upon a time you did and that you admit that you are a total moron for leading her on. I would advise referring her to my blog for some commiseration with other lovely lasses who have found themselves in the Bermuda Traingle.
In conclusion, you are lazy and a coward. You enjoy the fact that she makes your sandwiches and offers you the notes you are too lazy (there’s that word again!) to take down during lectures. You are obviously not that into her as you cannot decide whether she is “the one” but you continue milking the friendship for all its worth. She on the other hand is clearly devoted to you, Mr Lazy Bones. Why else would she be doing your laundry? This is a relationship of convenience for you and one that she has obviously placed far greater hopes on. And that is a great tragedy on her part. But, shame on you! I really hope you will follow my advice and be honest about the fact that you don’t have feelings for her. Then you must give her the space to move on. No more sandwiches or notes or you! I have great hopes that you will turn your cowardice into courage. After all, a faint heart never won a fair lady! So you better get plenty courageous if you ever want to have a successful relationship one day.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS Please enrol in my Emotional Intelligence 101 course. Details to follow shortly.
PPS The coloured lines that appear underneath text in MS Word shows one when one has made a spelling or punctuation error. You may want to consult it and correct your writing before sending me another letter.
PPPS A paragraph or two wouldn't hurt either - just a suggestion.
The trouble with fan mail
Since writing my thought provoking article, “The trouble with Bermuda”, TTB has been inundated with responses. Yes, dear readers, TTB is happy to announce that people do in fact still think. And some of them don’t care much for the thoughts of TTB ! So in the interest of absolute impartiality I have chronicled some of the responses I have received and have endeavoured to answer them sincerely. (Hence the “yours sincerely” at the end of my letters!)I thought that I would start off with some fan mail:
Dear Turquoise Bag
I was so excited to read your “Bermuda triangle” theory! I have been searching for a way to explain this interesting phenomenon where a man floats into a woman’s life, starts a friendship, sends off some mixed signals and then leaves her for a hot girl in a pink bikini. And this is it! I have advised all of my friends to read your article and to make sure any “Bermudas” (that’s what we have started calling such useless, flaky men) are voted off the island. Please keep writing your nuggets of gold.
Kind regards
Your number 1 Fan
Dear Number 1 Fan
Thank you for your fan mail. It was lovely to in fact get some fan mail and not a pink slip costing me 300 Raant. Keep up the good work in improving your “Bermuradar”. (A Bermuradar is just what I call the ability to detect men you so aptly call, “Bermudas”. Kind of reminds me of Barracudas. But I digress…) I really do appreciate the excellent PR work you are doing for my blog!
Yours sincerely
The Turquoise Bag
You might be thinking what the trouble is with getting fan mail? Well, there isn’t any trouble! Nope, there really isn’t anything wrong with getting fan mail! It’s fantastic! However, hate mail is not quite as much fun so next we’re hitting the good, the bad and the ugly. And I think it’s always better to get ugly over and done with. (The Ugly Duckling proved this a good theory.) Please have a peek at my next blog entry.
Dear Turquoise Bag
I was so excited to read your “Bermuda triangle” theory! I have been searching for a way to explain this interesting phenomenon where a man floats into a woman’s life, starts a friendship, sends off some mixed signals and then leaves her for a hot girl in a pink bikini. And this is it! I have advised all of my friends to read your article and to make sure any “Bermudas” (that’s what we have started calling such useless, flaky men) are voted off the island. Please keep writing your nuggets of gold.
Kind regards
Your number 1 Fan
Dear Number 1 Fan
Thank you for your fan mail. It was lovely to in fact get some fan mail and not a pink slip costing me 300 Raant. Keep up the good work in improving your “Bermuradar”. (A Bermuradar is just what I call the ability to detect men you so aptly call, “Bermudas”. Kind of reminds me of Barracudas. But I digress…) I really do appreciate the excellent PR work you are doing for my blog!
Yours sincerely
The Turquoise Bag
You might be thinking what the trouble is with getting fan mail? Well, there isn’t any trouble! Nope, there really isn’t anything wrong with getting fan mail! It’s fantastic! However, hate mail is not quite as much fun so next we’re hitting the good, the bad and the ugly. And I think it’s always better to get ugly over and done with. (The Ugly Duckling proved this a good theory.) Please have a peek at my next blog entry.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The trouble with horses, graves and town planning
Awhile ago The Turqoise Bag told us of her homelessness. She is happy to announce that she has moved to the leafy suburb of Kenilworth. Yes, Kenilworth. TTB had many reservations about this move. For a start what bag would want to move to a street called “Wargrave”. South Africa has a major crime problem and that really is tempting fate, wouldn’t you say? She also felt that a suburb that sounds like it was named after a “kennel”, was probably also a bit dodgy. However, in a wave of thankfulness (and well, yes, destitution) she moved in with two other, lovely handbags and found herself in Kenilworth.
Upon her move, the first thing she noticed was that the roads were, well, a tad on the narrow side. So driving up and down the various “alleys” in Kenilworth resulted in more of a weave than an actual drive. (You know, in a straight line without any cars parked in the way of your automobile) No matter though, this daily weave has definitely improved her defensive driving skills. However, trouble struck as soon as one of SA's most glamorous events came to town: The J&B Met. Now, TTB enjoys a bit of glamour. Actually, that's an understatement. She LOVES glamour. LIVES for glamour. I mean, she is a handbag after all and rare Korean Turquoise bag nogal!
But underneath all that glamour-loveen is also a great desire for efficiency. And let me tell you dahling, the parking at this do was far from efficient! Cause guess what? All 50 000 J&B Metters decided to park outside her house! So, at first TTB was a tad excited about all the lovely people from the Met gracing her humble street. She knew there was no chance of getting a peek at any of the rich and famous folks (because who was going to park in a street named Wargrave if VIP is your middle name?) but at the very least she would set her eyes on some haute couture. So she pulled out the binocs papa manbag gave to her and hung her tiny little turquoise behind out the window to get a good look at the passersby.
Dear readers, you will simply not believe this. Not one half decent outfit in sight. Not even a decent hand bag in sight. What has the world come to if people just don't dress up for The Met? She was especially surprised to find a few gentlemen and one or two ladies dressed in very similar blue clothes roaming the streets. Her first thoughts were, "Ag shame, these people thought they were getting designer outfits and boy did they get ripped off!" But all of a sudden one of these fashionably misguided fellows pulled out a pad of pink paper and stuck something on TTB's beautiful, new car. It was fan mail, for sure! She was so flattered that this lovely gentleman had come all this way to Wargrave Road to deliver his appreciation for the wit and beauty of The Turquoise Bag (and her new car) that she smiled and waved at him. He didn't smile back. "Lady, is this your car?" TTB nodded and said, "Isn't she beautiful?" Mr Fashionably Misguided said, "Uh, I doesn't know how beautiful this car is but I does know that it is parked illegally."
"What, are you talking about young man? This is my home. It's perfectly legal for me to park here," TTB said in her most scary, resolute voice that she could muster up. "Lady, I is not here to argue with you. If you don't move this car, that big blue tow truck is going to tow it away." TTB raced downstairs to save her beautiful car from this great injustice. She begged, she pleaded for Mr FM(not Frequency Modulation but Fashionably Misguided) to make the pink slip (that had turned out to be a fine of 300 Raant) and the tow truck go away. She eventually got angry, "Sir, where am I supposed to park my car? These roads are so narrow, they are like alleys. There is nowhere, but here, on the road for me to park! It's not my fault that there was such bad town planning and that all these houses are packed on top of each other and the roads aren't wide enough for all the cars. I mean, look at the name of this road! Wargrave! It was probably called that because they only made it wide enough for a horse cart pulling a coffin to come past!"
Mr FM eventually saw the logic in the argument explaining her predicament and called off the tow truck. He then proceeded to give TTB a long lecture about how it was a illegal to park on a curb and within 5 metres of an intersection. And what is a handbag to do if is she lives on a corner within 5 metres of an intersection? After this refresher course on the rules and regulations of parking, Mr FM turned to TTB and said, "I am sorry lady. We had to make an example out of you. Otherwise all these people going to see the horses would be parking anywhere and everywhere. Now, please park somewhere else." TTB turned to obey when Mr FM said, "Now, always remember lady, Cars is not things to play with!" TTB considered this piece of generous advice and thought ruefully: And neither is town planning!
Upon her move, the first thing she noticed was that the roads were, well, a tad on the narrow side. So driving up and down the various “alleys” in Kenilworth resulted in more of a weave than an actual drive. (You know, in a straight line without any cars parked in the way of your automobile) No matter though, this daily weave has definitely improved her defensive driving skills. However, trouble struck as soon as one of SA's most glamorous events came to town: The J&B Met. Now, TTB enjoys a bit of glamour. Actually, that's an understatement. She LOVES glamour. LIVES for glamour. I mean, she is a handbag after all and rare Korean Turquoise bag nogal!
But underneath all that glamour-loveen is also a great desire for efficiency. And let me tell you dahling, the parking at this do was far from efficient! Cause guess what? All 50 000 J&B Metters decided to park outside her house! So, at first TTB was a tad excited about all the lovely people from the Met gracing her humble street. She knew there was no chance of getting a peek at any of the rich and famous folks (because who was going to park in a street named Wargrave if VIP is your middle name?) but at the very least she would set her eyes on some haute couture. So she pulled out the binocs papa manbag gave to her and hung her tiny little turquoise behind out the window to get a good look at the passersby.
Dear readers, you will simply not believe this. Not one half decent outfit in sight. Not even a decent hand bag in sight. What has the world come to if people just don't dress up for The Met? She was especially surprised to find a few gentlemen and one or two ladies dressed in very similar blue clothes roaming the streets. Her first thoughts were, "Ag shame, these people thought they were getting designer outfits and boy did they get ripped off!" But all of a sudden one of these fashionably misguided fellows pulled out a pad of pink paper and stuck something on TTB's beautiful, new car. It was fan mail, for sure! She was so flattered that this lovely gentleman had come all this way to Wargrave Road to deliver his appreciation for the wit and beauty of The Turquoise Bag (and her new car) that she smiled and waved at him. He didn't smile back. "Lady, is this your car?" TTB nodded and said, "Isn't she beautiful?" Mr Fashionably Misguided said, "Uh, I doesn't know how beautiful this car is but I does know that it is parked illegally."
"What, are you talking about young man? This is my home. It's perfectly legal for me to park here," TTB said in her most scary, resolute voice that she could muster up. "Lady, I is not here to argue with you. If you don't move this car, that big blue tow truck is going to tow it away." TTB raced downstairs to save her beautiful car from this great injustice. She begged, she pleaded for Mr FM(not Frequency Modulation but Fashionably Misguided) to make the pink slip (that had turned out to be a fine of 300 Raant) and the tow truck go away. She eventually got angry, "Sir, where am I supposed to park my car? These roads are so narrow, they are like alleys. There is nowhere, but here, on the road for me to park! It's not my fault that there was such bad town planning and that all these houses are packed on top of each other and the roads aren't wide enough for all the cars. I mean, look at the name of this road! Wargrave! It was probably called that because they only made it wide enough for a horse cart pulling a coffin to come past!"
Mr FM eventually saw the logic in the argument explaining her predicament and called off the tow truck. He then proceeded to give TTB a long lecture about how it was a illegal to park on a curb and within 5 metres of an intersection. And what is a handbag to do if is she lives on a corner within 5 metres of an intersection? After this refresher course on the rules and regulations of parking, Mr FM turned to TTB and said, "I am sorry lady. We had to make an example out of you. Otherwise all these people going to see the horses would be parking anywhere and everywhere. Now, please park somewhere else." TTB turned to obey when Mr FM said, "Now, always remember lady, Cars is not things to play with!" TTB considered this piece of generous advice and thought ruefully: And neither is town planning!
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