Dear TTB
I have always thought that you can be good friends with guys - without having dubious intentions or ulterior motives. It is good to know that you have friends who are like brothers to you and who will look out for you - and just generally be your friend. But there's a catch - sometimes this "brother" person gets the wrong idea - and like someone from the deep south y'all, who plays hillbilly tunes on his banjo - likes you in a way a brother definitely shouldn't. Obviously this doesn't always happen but when it does, it comes as a nasty shock to your slightly-(maybe)-naive self. It is not so much the fact of the context of that person's affections for you changing. Rather, it is because you feel you have let someone down by not sharing the sentiment and perhaps even worse - you've given them the mistaken impression that you might want them to feel this way about you.
So what is the answer? Surely you can't avoid all friendships with guys like some nun in a high-walled convent? If you have friendships with guys who are naturally kind and caring towards all of their friends, it is really difficult to tell if it is brotherly love or more like "Ok, no more one-on-one time with you..." It is also really lame to say to someone who is, in their opinion, definitely just your friend: "so, what are we, like just um friends?" Blind. This could also come across as quite arrogant and could maximise the awkwardness factor. But when you notice that someone seems to like your company and wants to spend time with you - all still in the "friend" context as far as you know - is it up to you to avoid situations like these if you sense a vibe* (of a confusing variety)? There's also the possibility that people misconceive your care and friendliness as a sign of interest which totally messes up things because that makes guys and girls paranoid to care about one another in case someone gets the wrong idea.
The last thing you want is a rigid little set of how-to's. Legalism is so last season. I definitely don't think Jesus went around being all PC with a set of rules he meticulously followed. Hopefully you have some thoughts on the issue?
Thank you.
From Person-who-just-wants-to-be-friends (with everyone)
Dear Person-who-just-wants-to-be-friends (with everyone)
Now, there is a BIG question. There is so much and yet so little to be said on this subject. Relationships in church/Christian circles are always a tad more complex. The reasons being of course, for good reason: people have a desire to honour God and want to “guard their hearts” (to use a phrase right out of Song of Songs) and be pure in their interactions with each other. All good principles that I am well in agreement with but the complications arise when handbags and briefcases are in serious lack of some Emotional Intelligence. But I guess that’s why TTB is here to give a helping hand! First thing we need to establish is that there is no set of rules for dating in the Bible. (Which is just really unhelpful.) But God in his wisdom intended it that way so that men and women would seek him. Or else, what’s a heaven for? (To quote and unrelated excerpt of a poem.) God does say give us some clear guidelines for marriage and wow, am I happy for that! And perhaps people should be more focused on what the Bible says about marriage as opposed to working out how best to go about dating or “courting” to use a bit of Christianese. (This is all semantics of course, but don’t get me started on that…)
Nonetheless, church folk do try their very best to work out a “system” or perhaps a set of rules that they can stick to, to make dating work for them. The worse kind of legalism in my mind… So, I agree, legalism is out and obedience is in. People need to stick to finding God, reading His word and being obedient to it. Finished and klaar. Easy, hey? Unfortunately not because people make mistakes and are imperfect and we have to just live in forgiveness of that since we are certainly imperfect, every one of us. I have noticed two concepts that Christian singletons seem to confuse: guarding your heart and loving your neighbour. They think that being friends with everyone (particularly those of the opposite sex) means that they have the whole loving their neighbour thing waxed and then they try their level best to “guard their hearts” by constantly assessing every friendship that comes their way making sure that they are guarding everyone else’s hearts. (Yes, that’s where this whole paranoia of “does he/she like me” stems from. Of course TTB does have a simple solution to this: DIRECT COMMUNICATION. But since she is aware that some folks aren’t so keen on this ultra confrontational philosophy AND WILL TAKE NO NOTICE OF HER she will move on to other justifiable but NOT NEARLY AS SUCCESSFUL ways of dealing with this.) Anyway, this begs the question, what does it mean to guard YOUR heart? Well it means just that. You are responsible for your emotions. Not anyone else’s. (Of course I am not suggesting you flirt with all and sundry and then happily sit back and say: “Sorry for you. I am so not into you. And by the way, you should be guarding your own damn heart so don’t blame my hotness for you falling in love with me.”)
So you see. There are some very complex vibes attached to being single and Christian... So what am I getting at? TTB reckons you can still love your neighbour without being friends with every single person in your church. My thoughts are that trying to be friends with everyone is a hopeless cause. Trying to be friendly with everyone might be more attainable and even that might be a stretch. But rest assured, I don’t think you need to join the cloister around the corner! I agree that you should be friendly and kind to everyone and if all possessed a little EI and really did guard their own hearts then there wouldn’t be much of a problem. Alas, this is not the case. So what do you do? Firstly, I still maintain that girls and guys can’t be friends. And now you’re thinking in true Princess Diaries style: “Shut up!” But I will stand my ground on this one. Where there is an unattached male and an unattached female in a 5 metre radius of each other: one or the other (or maybe both) are considering whether “this could be love, love, love”. Of course there are things that people do that wreck havoc and cause people to jump to this conclusion more readily – texting, emailing and being intentional about inviting people to things. So, I would say that you keep those things to a minimum in your friendships with the opposite sex. And hang out in a more general way. There’s always a safety in numbers.
I do believe in having briefcase acquaintances – briefcases you are friendly with but you don’t necessarily hang out with all the time. They don’t need to know all your deep, dark secrets – keep conversations civil, friendly and light-hearted. You might be accused of being shallow, but that’s just too bad. Better shallow than in Bermuda. In fact loving your neighbour sometimes means that you don’t create unrealistic expectations in a friendship that is never going to go anywhere. So, the truth is you’re only going to end up marrying one person (hopefully, I mean polygamy is just a nightmare – imagine having more than one husby to look after? Nightmare, nightmare.) and once you’re hitched you’re not going to be friends with all these other guys. I mean like real “friends”. So then I say, why on earth start being “friends” with them in the first place? (See the post below for more of an exposition on this subject.)
I know that there are certain briefcases who I am friendly with who I consider “safe”. Boundaries are so very clear – they know and I know where we are at. We ain’t walking down that aisle. Ever. These briefcases tend to have a higher EI than most and are also more likely to tell you straight when they are sensing some vibes. And you also feel the liberty to keep lines of communication very open in this regard. There isn’t that awkwardness. Do you know what I mean? I think those are the briefcases who you MAY be able to have a truly brother-sister relationship where you can rely on them to watch out for you. But even then I wouldn’t push the envelope and I would still be cautious about spending too much time together, texting, emailing and facebooking etc. I mean, really, social networking has ruined our lives. Dating has just become that much more complex with all these forms of media interactions to be aware of. Makes me tired just thinking about it…
As Bill Cosby so wisely said, “I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” “And I think that’s what people often try to do in these circles. Being friends with everyone is a nice sentiment but it comes at a price and it may mean that if you’re a particularly lovely and hot handbag (as I am sure you are) you will often get into the position of having Brother Briefcase wanting to sail off to distant shores with your heart. So it’s a call you’re going to have to make. Unfortunately there’s a cost either way. You can cease being friends with briefcases and that may mean it creates some awkwardness and people may not understand you. Also, you may not have much of a social life. The upside being that you don’t run into trouble with Brother Briefcase. Or you carry on being a social butterfly and be friends with everyone and run the risk that you may have to set the record straight with a few Brother Briefcases along the way. There’s just no way of having your cake and eating it. Good luck!
Yours sincerely
TTB
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
The trouble with being TOGWTHBTBAGF
Dear TTB
I want to ask about something that happened to me a while ago, it's left a really nasty taste in my mouth.
So, I had this really good friend. We hung out a lot and sometimes the whole situation was a bit grey, I'll admit. I wasn't so sure if I was keen when she was and vice versa. So I guess we kinda went on dates on and off for about 2 years, in spite of that, at the bottom of it all we were really great mates. We were into the same stuff and she wasn't admin to be around, so we hung out a lot. There was a lot of mutual respect too. We were really GOOD MATES. Like she was definitely my best girl friend.
Anyway, she ended up finding a guy she actually KNEW she wanted to date and started dating him. I was stoked. For real. I mean we had tried it out and it sort of never worked out well, our timing was all off and so I was really happy for her, I mean ultimately we were better as friends all along. So great, let's be honest and not make it a big awkward issue, let's just be friends. I knew the guy and we'd hung out a couple of times, he's cool, we are mates, no weirdness...until she made it totally weird and started being all strange about it. Anyway, I was chilled, we were all still mates and I can get that it may have felt awkward for her. I guess in the end I was better mates with the guy than the girl, which is normal in these situations.
Then 4 months ago they got engaged. I was/am so happy for them - they are good for each other, they make a good couple. I've always thought so, much better than she and I would EVER be together. Plus they are my mates, of course I'm happy for them. He did well.
Now I've put up with a whole lot of weirdness from her since they started dating, which I can deal with, but the one thing that's made me super bleak is this:
When they got engaged, they told EVERYONE except me. Like everyone. Even randoms who they were vaguely acquainted with. I totally read about their engagement on OTHER PEOPLE'S face book status updates before they told me. Being mates with both parties and once being REALLY good mates with the girl, I was really disappointed with them - or her more, I guess. Did they really think that I was that hung up on her that I couldn't take it? Did she think I was that lame? Maybe they just don't count me a mate anymore after all her weird vibes? So like 3 days later after everyone else had told me how it happened, when they were getting married and the whole trip, I get this sad little text message basically saying: "guess what, we're engaged." As if I didn't know. I feel like I've been made to feel like I'm the lame ass emotionally immature person in this situation. Why couldn't they just be normal and tell me like they told everyone else, I mean flip, I was/am so stoked for them! It's a pity they didn't think I would be. I'm bleak that our friendship has got so cold.
The other guy who tried his best to be a good friend.
Dear TOGWTHBTBAGF
Wow, what a story. What a tragedy of emotional idiocy. Guess it comes down to the question of “Can handbags and briefcases ever be ‘just friends’?” Mmm. TTB has really been pondering this a great deal lately and she seems to be leaning towards a very firm, “NO!” So TTB’s assessment is as follows:
You were definitely in Bermuda territory for much of your friendship. (TTB will go easy on you about this because TTB can see you’re quite um…cut up/frustrated with the situation.) Basically the two of you should definitely have spoken this through. Would have made things a lot easier now. COMMUNICATION! If TTB’s said it once, she’s said it a thousand times… Because you didn’t chat this through, your friend obviously was left with somewhat ambivalent feelings towards you and the former friendship you had, resulting in awkward vibes between the two of you.
That said the fact that you tried your best to befriend both of them – particularly her new boyfriend - means that you were really trying to show your support in their relationship and to make things as normal as possible. But, let’s face it; any guy-girl friendship always goes south as soon as one of the people starts dating someone else. Then it becomes even stranger when they become engaged and then you can probably just about kiss the friendship goodbye once ex-Bermuda “friend” ends up hitched. (Unless of course you and Husby end up as big mates?) Sad, but true. TTB doesn’t think that this is a bad thing. It’s a very necessary thing, if not totally appropriate. It’s just the natural order of things. I’m sure you wouldn’t want your future fiancée/wife hanging out with any of her former guy friends? It’s just a bit weird. Nonetheless you seemed to handle the transition, most appropriately! So, kudos for that.
Your newly engaged friend, however, is a moron. Plain and simple. She is clearly lacking some EI and TTB wouldn’t mind giving her a mouthful about it. She should have just been “Harry Casual” about the whole thing and told you just like everybody else. Hello? How hard would that have been? The only other explanation that TTB can offer is that she may have forgotten to send you a message? For whatever reason it was a horrible oversight not to let you know. The issue definitely lies with her. If you had been some awful, ex-boyfriend who smashed her heart into a million pieces, TTB’d say that you definitely didn’t need to be informed of her pending marriage. But since you’re the guy who tried his best to be a good friend, TTB says: shame on her!
The long and the short of it is that you got a raw deal and TTB is sorry for that. It sucks big time. Much can be learned though. Stay out of undefined friendships with handbags – it only leads to trouble. The upside is that once you find a handbag you do want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll have a “best girl friend” you will be friends with forever! Isn’t that a happy thought? All these other friendships with people of the opposite sex are just a counterfeit of the real deal, anyway.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS Your spelling is atrocious – TTB had to do a fair amount of editing. Keep working on that. (Sorry, TTB knows you’re bleak and all, but that’s no reason to abuse the English language.)
PPS If you’re wondering whether you should go to the wedding or not, you should. Some advice for free: If you were an ex-boyfriend, TTB would say that the polite thing to do was to decline the invite feigning illness or a longstanding family engagement at your Great Aunt Muriel’s.
I want to ask about something that happened to me a while ago, it's left a really nasty taste in my mouth.
So, I had this really good friend. We hung out a lot and sometimes the whole situation was a bit grey, I'll admit. I wasn't so sure if I was keen when she was and vice versa. So I guess we kinda went on dates on and off for about 2 years, in spite of that, at the bottom of it all we were really great mates. We were into the same stuff and she wasn't admin to be around, so we hung out a lot. There was a lot of mutual respect too. We were really GOOD MATES. Like she was definitely my best girl friend.
Anyway, she ended up finding a guy she actually KNEW she wanted to date and started dating him. I was stoked. For real. I mean we had tried it out and it sort of never worked out well, our timing was all off and so I was really happy for her, I mean ultimately we were better as friends all along. So great, let's be honest and not make it a big awkward issue, let's just be friends. I knew the guy and we'd hung out a couple of times, he's cool, we are mates, no weirdness...until she made it totally weird and started being all strange about it. Anyway, I was chilled, we were all still mates and I can get that it may have felt awkward for her. I guess in the end I was better mates with the guy than the girl, which is normal in these situations.
Then 4 months ago they got engaged. I was/am so happy for them - they are good for each other, they make a good couple. I've always thought so, much better than she and I would EVER be together. Plus they are my mates, of course I'm happy for them. He did well.
Now I've put up with a whole lot of weirdness from her since they started dating, which I can deal with, but the one thing that's made me super bleak is this:
When they got engaged, they told EVERYONE except me. Like everyone. Even randoms who they were vaguely acquainted with. I totally read about their engagement on OTHER PEOPLE'S face book status updates before they told me. Being mates with both parties and once being REALLY good mates with the girl, I was really disappointed with them - or her more, I guess. Did they really think that I was that hung up on her that I couldn't take it? Did she think I was that lame? Maybe they just don't count me a mate anymore after all her weird vibes? So like 3 days later after everyone else had told me how it happened, when they were getting married and the whole trip, I get this sad little text message basically saying: "guess what, we're engaged." As if I didn't know. I feel like I've been made to feel like I'm the lame ass emotionally immature person in this situation. Why couldn't they just be normal and tell me like they told everyone else, I mean flip, I was/am so stoked for them! It's a pity they didn't think I would be. I'm bleak that our friendship has got so cold.
The other guy who tried his best to be a good friend.
Dear TOGWTHBTBAGF
Wow, what a story. What a tragedy of emotional idiocy. Guess it comes down to the question of “Can handbags and briefcases ever be ‘just friends’?” Mmm. TTB has really been pondering this a great deal lately and she seems to be leaning towards a very firm, “NO!” So TTB’s assessment is as follows:
You were definitely in Bermuda territory for much of your friendship. (TTB will go easy on you about this because TTB can see you’re quite um…cut up/frustrated with the situation.) Basically the two of you should definitely have spoken this through. Would have made things a lot easier now. COMMUNICATION! If TTB’s said it once, she’s said it a thousand times… Because you didn’t chat this through, your friend obviously was left with somewhat ambivalent feelings towards you and the former friendship you had, resulting in awkward vibes between the two of you.
That said the fact that you tried your best to befriend both of them – particularly her new boyfriend - means that you were really trying to show your support in their relationship and to make things as normal as possible. But, let’s face it; any guy-girl friendship always goes south as soon as one of the people starts dating someone else. Then it becomes even stranger when they become engaged and then you can probably just about kiss the friendship goodbye once ex-Bermuda “friend” ends up hitched. (Unless of course you and Husby end up as big mates?) Sad, but true. TTB doesn’t think that this is a bad thing. It’s a very necessary thing, if not totally appropriate. It’s just the natural order of things. I’m sure you wouldn’t want your future fiancée/wife hanging out with any of her former guy friends? It’s just a bit weird. Nonetheless you seemed to handle the transition, most appropriately! So, kudos for that.
Your newly engaged friend, however, is a moron. Plain and simple. She is clearly lacking some EI and TTB wouldn’t mind giving her a mouthful about it. She should have just been “Harry Casual” about the whole thing and told you just like everybody else. Hello? How hard would that have been? The only other explanation that TTB can offer is that she may have forgotten to send you a message? For whatever reason it was a horrible oversight not to let you know. The issue definitely lies with her. If you had been some awful, ex-boyfriend who smashed her heart into a million pieces, TTB’d say that you definitely didn’t need to be informed of her pending marriage. But since you’re the guy who tried his best to be a good friend, TTB says: shame on her!
The long and the short of it is that you got a raw deal and TTB is sorry for that. It sucks big time. Much can be learned though. Stay out of undefined friendships with handbags – it only leads to trouble. The upside is that once you find a handbag you do want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll have a “best girl friend” you will be friends with forever! Isn’t that a happy thought? All these other friendships with people of the opposite sex are just a counterfeit of the real deal, anyway.
Yours sincerely
TTB
PS Your spelling is atrocious – TTB had to do a fair amount of editing. Keep working on that. (Sorry, TTB knows you’re bleak and all, but that’s no reason to abuse the English language.)
PPS If you’re wondering whether you should go to the wedding or not, you should. Some advice for free: If you were an ex-boyfriend, TTB would say that the polite thing to do was to decline the invite feigning illness or a longstanding family engagement at your Great Aunt Muriel’s.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sutherland se staaltjies
Die Turkooise Sak (DTS) is met vakansie en praat nou net Afrikaans terwyl sy by haar ouma kuier. Ouma Jordaan maak by Sutherland se ouetehuis haar woning. DTS was lanklaas op die pragtige plattelandse dorpie en het met hierdie vakansie, opnuut haar liefde vir die platteland gevind. In haar kinderjare het sy ten minste een vakansie per jaar op die gesinsplaas, Geelhoek, deurgebring. Daar het sy en haar handsaksusters die hele plaas plat verken, die sterre bekyk en ‘n paar skape ook huistoe geja. As u suiwer Afrikaans verstaan en skryf, sal u asseblief die foute wat DTS in hierdie rubriek sal maak (of alreeds gemaak het!), verskoon. Haar rekenaarongeletterheid gaan ook te vore kom want sy weet glad nie hoe om al daardie aksente op die e’s and u’s te maak nie! U sal maar moet raai wanneer sy van se soos in “die handsak SE vakansie” en oor SE soos in praat skryf...
Die eerste ding wat ‘n handsak agterkom wanneer sy by Sutherland aanland is daai Namakwa-aksent was orals rondom haar is. Partykeer maak dit haar so deurmekaar want die ou mense loop verby haar ouma se woonstel en gesels en dan dink DTS, ouma praat met haar! Almal klink dieselfde! Of miskien het DTS so lanklaas ‘n goeie Namakwalander teegekom dat sy all vergeet het hoe hulle klink. (Die ouetehuis laat haar baie aan 7de Laan se Matrone se ou mensies dink.) Maar laat DTS ‘n bietjie oor die ouetehuis uitbrui. Sy het nou al vir Tannie Marie, die kerk se orreliste en haar ma se ou musiekonderwyseres ontmoet. Ouma het seker gemaak dat daar Dinsdag tyd was vir ‘n koppie koffie en ‘n kuiertjie voor middagete. Ouma sou mos in warm water gewees het as sy nie haar kleindogter vir Tannie Marie kom voorstel het nie! DTS het uitgevind dat Tannie Marie baie van Sutherland se restourante weet en sy het sommer fluks begin rondvra oor die beste plek vir ouma en DTS om te gaan uiteet.
Toe vind Tannie Dina uit dat DTS by Tannie Marie gaan kuier het en sy se toe vir ouma dat sy ook ‘n koppie koffie saam met DTS wil drink. Ons hele dag is rondom die koffie-drinkery vandag gederigeer. Maar hoe wonderlik toe ons daar aankom! Soet en suur beskuit en Tannie Dina se ouma se Klapperkoekies. (Haar ouma het dit nie gemaak nie – dis haar resep!) Die platteland is maar wonderlik anders. In die stad moet almal ‘n maand vooruit planne maak om saam ‘n koppie koffie te drink (en partykeer gaan dit meer oor hoe die koffie proe en nie oor die kuier nie). Hier drink tannies saam kitskoffie en eet ‘n paar tuisgebakte koekies en val sommer enige tyd by mekaar se huise in. (Soos Tannie van der Merwe wat nou net hier in geloer het om 'n bietjie biltong te kom afgee.) Op pad huis toe loop ons toe ou Oom Willem raak. Soos Oom Willem DTS se hand skud vertel hy haar dat “Mooi Nooi” haar nuwe bynaam by die Ouetehuis is. Sy dink sy moet miskien so bietjie langer hier bly. Baie goed vir haar selfbeeld...
Daar is nog ‘n paar “Sutherland se staaltjies” wat DTS graag wil vertel maar ouma wag met ‘n bord rys, vleis and aartappels. (Het u al ooit Sutherland se vleis geproe? U sal dink Pick ‘n Pay het jou al jare lank die verkeerde goed gevoer.) En DTS kan nie meer met die geur van die kos en die kol op haar maag skryf nie.
Tot volgende keer!
DTS
Die eerste ding wat ‘n handsak agterkom wanneer sy by Sutherland aanland is daai Namakwa-aksent was orals rondom haar is. Partykeer maak dit haar so deurmekaar want die ou mense loop verby haar ouma se woonstel en gesels en dan dink DTS, ouma praat met haar! Almal klink dieselfde! Of miskien het DTS so lanklaas ‘n goeie Namakwalander teegekom dat sy all vergeet het hoe hulle klink. (Die ouetehuis laat haar baie aan 7de Laan se Matrone se ou mensies dink.) Maar laat DTS ‘n bietjie oor die ouetehuis uitbrui. Sy het nou al vir Tannie Marie, die kerk se orreliste en haar ma se ou musiekonderwyseres ontmoet. Ouma het seker gemaak dat daar Dinsdag tyd was vir ‘n koppie koffie en ‘n kuiertjie voor middagete. Ouma sou mos in warm water gewees het as sy nie haar kleindogter vir Tannie Marie kom voorstel het nie! DTS het uitgevind dat Tannie Marie baie van Sutherland se restourante weet en sy het sommer fluks begin rondvra oor die beste plek vir ouma en DTS om te gaan uiteet.
Toe vind Tannie Dina uit dat DTS by Tannie Marie gaan kuier het en sy se toe vir ouma dat sy ook ‘n koppie koffie saam met DTS wil drink. Ons hele dag is rondom die koffie-drinkery vandag gederigeer. Maar hoe wonderlik toe ons daar aankom! Soet en suur beskuit en Tannie Dina se ouma se Klapperkoekies. (Haar ouma het dit nie gemaak nie – dis haar resep!) Die platteland is maar wonderlik anders. In die stad moet almal ‘n maand vooruit planne maak om saam ‘n koppie koffie te drink (en partykeer gaan dit meer oor hoe die koffie proe en nie oor die kuier nie). Hier drink tannies saam kitskoffie en eet ‘n paar tuisgebakte koekies en val sommer enige tyd by mekaar se huise in. (Soos Tannie van der Merwe wat nou net hier in geloer het om 'n bietjie biltong te kom afgee.) Op pad huis toe loop ons toe ou Oom Willem raak. Soos Oom Willem DTS se hand skud vertel hy haar dat “Mooi Nooi” haar nuwe bynaam by die Ouetehuis is. Sy dink sy moet miskien so bietjie langer hier bly. Baie goed vir haar selfbeeld...
Daar is nog ‘n paar “Sutherland se staaltjies” wat DTS graag wil vertel maar ouma wag met ‘n bord rys, vleis and aartappels. (Het u al ooit Sutherland se vleis geproe? U sal dink Pick ‘n Pay het jou al jare lank die verkeerde goed gevoer.) En DTS kan nie meer met die geur van die kos en die kol op haar maag skryf nie.
Tot volgende keer!
DTS
Monday, May 17, 2010
The trouble with having too many options
Dear TTB
I have a question about what to do when you have options of a few potential relationships. I mean how do you decide who to date? I kind of like all of them… Please help me!
Thanks
Girl-with-many-options
Dear Girl-with-many-options
You are indeed in a conundrum if you have more than one interested suitor. I have a few things to say about this topic.
1) You may be having delusions of hotness. Yes, it’s kind of like having a phantom pregnancy. You think all of these guys are interested in you when perhaps they really aren’t. Harsh, but true. So before you invest too much emotion and brain power into mulling this dilemma over, I would suggest that you make sure these briefcases are keen on you. Of course I am not suggesting that you aren’t attractive or that these briefcases aren’t in fact interested in being more than compadres. I am merely suggesting that you consider this as a possible option. Enough said.
2) A sure fire way of making sure these “options” are well, really, options is to use the Julianne-chasing Michael-chasing Kimmy test. Yes, it was inspired by my all time favourite flick: My Best Friend’s Wedding. (Julia and Everett, I <3 you!) So you know the scene where Julianne is trying to destroy the pending wedding of Kimmy and Michael and she calls George (the man we all wish was straight) and tells him of her latest failed plans and he in exasperation says, “Michael was chasing Kimmy and you were chasing Michael. Who was chasing you? Nobody!” There’s a lot to be learned from George’s observation. If the briefcase ain’t chasing you, he ain’t into you. And any kind of chasing from your side is a total waste of time. (This latter is just general advice – maybe doesn’t apply totally to your situation.) So are any of them sincerely pursuing you and making their intentions clear? Yes? You still have at least two suitors on your mind who fit this description? Then proceed to point 3.
3) Another great piece of TV advice that has stuck with me is the advice Mrs Camden gave Lucy Camden in one of the early seasons of 7th Heaven. (Yes, I admit I used to watch 7th Heaven. Bite me.) Anyway, so Lucy was being pursued by the hippie Rod and her straight-as-an-arrow former boyfriend, Jimmy Moon. Rod wrote her a ballad expressing his deep affection for her (it made absolutely no sense but was sweet nonetheless). Jimmy Moon said some speech or other, at any rate it was far less memorable then Rod’s luuuurve song. (if it were up to me, I would have chosen Rod!) After all this she couldn’t decide which one she was going to go out with. Eventually her mom gently tells her that if she can’t decide between the two of them, then she probably doesn’t really like either of them. So she rejects both of them and still ends up marrying the hot but VERY BORING fire fighter. (So unrealistic, but this is TV we’re talking about. Really, she should have stuck with Rod.) But the advice still rings true: if you can’t make up your mind because one of them doesn’t clearly stand out to you, it’s obvious you don’t want to be in a relationship with any of them.
Well, that’s all I have to say on that subject. Hope it all works out for the best!
Yours sincerely
TTB
I have a question about what to do when you have options of a few potential relationships. I mean how do you decide who to date? I kind of like all of them… Please help me!
Thanks
Girl-with-many-options
Dear Girl-with-many-options
You are indeed in a conundrum if you have more than one interested suitor. I have a few things to say about this topic.
1) You may be having delusions of hotness. Yes, it’s kind of like having a phantom pregnancy. You think all of these guys are interested in you when perhaps they really aren’t. Harsh, but true. So before you invest too much emotion and brain power into mulling this dilemma over, I would suggest that you make sure these briefcases are keen on you. Of course I am not suggesting that you aren’t attractive or that these briefcases aren’t in fact interested in being more than compadres. I am merely suggesting that you consider this as a possible option. Enough said.
2) A sure fire way of making sure these “options” are well, really, options is to use the Julianne-chasing Michael-chasing Kimmy test. Yes, it was inspired by my all time favourite flick: My Best Friend’s Wedding. (Julia and Everett, I <3 you!) So you know the scene where Julianne is trying to destroy the pending wedding of Kimmy and Michael and she calls George (the man we all wish was straight) and tells him of her latest failed plans and he in exasperation says, “Michael was chasing Kimmy and you were chasing Michael. Who was chasing you? Nobody!” There’s a lot to be learned from George’s observation. If the briefcase ain’t chasing you, he ain’t into you. And any kind of chasing from your side is a total waste of time. (This latter is just general advice – maybe doesn’t apply totally to your situation.) So are any of them sincerely pursuing you and making their intentions clear? Yes? You still have at least two suitors on your mind who fit this description? Then proceed to point 3.
3) Another great piece of TV advice that has stuck with me is the advice Mrs Camden gave Lucy Camden in one of the early seasons of 7th Heaven. (Yes, I admit I used to watch 7th Heaven. Bite me.) Anyway, so Lucy was being pursued by the hippie Rod and her straight-as-an-arrow former boyfriend, Jimmy Moon. Rod wrote her a ballad expressing his deep affection for her (it made absolutely no sense but was sweet nonetheless). Jimmy Moon said some speech or other, at any rate it was far less memorable then Rod’s luuuurve song. (if it were up to me, I would have chosen Rod!) After all this she couldn’t decide which one she was going to go out with. Eventually her mom gently tells her that if she can’t decide between the two of them, then she probably doesn’t really like either of them. So she rejects both of them and still ends up marrying the hot but VERY BORING fire fighter. (So unrealistic, but this is TV we’re talking about. Really, she should have stuck with Rod.) But the advice still rings true: if you can’t make up your mind because one of them doesn’t clearly stand out to you, it’s obvious you don’t want to be in a relationship with any of them.
Well, that’s all I have to say on that subject. Hope it all works out for the best!
Yours sincerely
TTB
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The trouble with being busy
TTB has been very, very busy in the last while. She’s been attending baby showers, bridal showers, weddings like they’re coming out of her ears. Yip, the matrimony bug continues to nab her friends! And babies are now definitely the rage. Don’t get TTB wrong she enjoys being busy and she does enjoy a good wedding reception but when it’s all happening at the same time along with all sorts of work commitments, well, then something’s gotta give! And the first thing that goes out the window is blogging! Yes, dear readers, the TTB is offering a heartfelt apology for her absence. (She knows she issued this last week in the midst of all the chaos but she’s saying it again.)
There haven’t been any earth shattering occurrences in the last while. A volcano erupted and is apparently still causing a bit of havoc with that volcanic ash cloud, but that’s old news. JZ has been in power for the last year. The new Durban Airport has experienced some shenanigans with messed up undercover fuel lines. Skandaal, skandaal. No one has accused anyone of touching them on their studio and doesn’t seem like there are any more of those annoying “bloody agents” running around. Thank goodness for that! As it appears, TTB’s loyal followers all seem to be in stable relationships or have run out of intelligent relational dilemmas to seek advice about. Surely this can’t be. But yes, TTB still awaits her next “agony aunt” moment. Dee, if you’re reading this, TTB has every intention of answering your question about whether handbags and briefcases can really be “just friends”. For now the jury is still out on that one and TTB is hoping to make an informed opinion shortly.
That leaves only mundane things to write about. Sorry. TTB follows the rule any good writer should: Write what you know. And at the moment all TTB knows is being very busy.
As TTB writes she listens to her Korean washing machine singing a little Korean folk song which can be loosely translated as: “Your washing is done. Your washing is done. Now get off your lazy ass and go and hang it up” and realises that being busy robs one of having the time to do boring (actually TTB doesn’t think laundry is boring) but necessary things like, laundry. Yes, dear friends one realises how very busy one is when you have to pop over to your nearest Woolworths to buy a few more clothes – not tastefully chosen but bought in desperation as there ain’t any clean ones left in the cupboard. Listen, just as an aside. TTB does not like wearing anything more than once and thinks that people who recycle clothes are simply: disgusting. Hence her obsession with clean clothes and laundry! Luckily she is safe for a good while. This load should keep her going for at least the next week.
As TTB surveys her cupboards in true Mother Hubbard style, she realises that she can’t quite remember the last time she saw the inside of the local Pick ‘n Pay. Yes, being busy also means that you neglect the weekly food shop. Actually as she ponders her last grocery shopping expedition, the memories of that fateful day all come flooding back to her. And she remembers the fabulous advice that resulted from this torment of a food shop, “If you are thinking of getting married and having babies – spend some time at a grocery store.” She generously gave this advice to a close friend considering marriage. You might wonder why TTB would suggest such a thing – so did her friend! Let her not keep you in the dark…
Aside from the usual moms with 10 toddlers in a trolley and a crying baby on the arm blocking the aisles, TTB was privy to a few situations which well should have been just that – private. TTB was minding her own business in the veggie department when she encountered an American couple having a full on domestic. It seems they were arguing about who was going to be the one to walk the walk of shame and purchase the very necessary supply of, um, how shall we say…prophylactics. (To use a very American term in honour of them.) At that point TTB thought that she may have just seen everything but, she was wrong. It seems that this couple may have been onto something as those toddlers do grow up into an awful species called “teenagers”. With the Americans still in earshot she meandered along trying to find some peace in the fruit section. But oh no! Right in front of the lemons there was another shocking interchange happening between a mother and her teenage daughter. Yip, they were also having a domestic in the middle of a grocery store which ended with the mother sarcastically shouting: “And now you’re shouting at me in the middle of the grocery store. How sweet!”
It was at this moment that TTB realised that she REALLY doesn’t like grocery shopping. But she really likes food and doesn’t really like being hungry. Fortunately there was one last decent meal left from that fateful day and as TTB munches away at the solitary Porterhouse steak that remained in her freezer and a few veggies (well past their sell by date but good enough still to eat due to all that genetic modification everyone whines about) she thinks that maybe all the babies and domestics are worth it? You know to just brave it and go grocery shopping. The conclusion being as follows: busyness is bad for one’s health. It leaves one blog entry-less, hungry and with a pile of dirty clothes. The only solution to this problem is to a) be less busy or b) find a house husband. Mmm. Maybe there is something to recommend this matrimony vibe?
Yours sincerely
TTB
There haven’t been any earth shattering occurrences in the last while. A volcano erupted and is apparently still causing a bit of havoc with that volcanic ash cloud, but that’s old news. JZ has been in power for the last year. The new Durban Airport has experienced some shenanigans with messed up undercover fuel lines. Skandaal, skandaal. No one has accused anyone of touching them on their studio and doesn’t seem like there are any more of those annoying “bloody agents” running around. Thank goodness for that! As it appears, TTB’s loyal followers all seem to be in stable relationships or have run out of intelligent relational dilemmas to seek advice about. Surely this can’t be. But yes, TTB still awaits her next “agony aunt” moment. Dee, if you’re reading this, TTB has every intention of answering your question about whether handbags and briefcases can really be “just friends”. For now the jury is still out on that one and TTB is hoping to make an informed opinion shortly.
That leaves only mundane things to write about. Sorry. TTB follows the rule any good writer should: Write what you know. And at the moment all TTB knows is being very busy.
As TTB writes she listens to her Korean washing machine singing a little Korean folk song which can be loosely translated as: “Your washing is done. Your washing is done. Now get off your lazy ass and go and hang it up” and realises that being busy robs one of having the time to do boring (actually TTB doesn’t think laundry is boring) but necessary things like, laundry. Yes, dear friends one realises how very busy one is when you have to pop over to your nearest Woolworths to buy a few more clothes – not tastefully chosen but bought in desperation as there ain’t any clean ones left in the cupboard. Listen, just as an aside. TTB does not like wearing anything more than once and thinks that people who recycle clothes are simply: disgusting. Hence her obsession with clean clothes and laundry! Luckily she is safe for a good while. This load should keep her going for at least the next week.
As TTB surveys her cupboards in true Mother Hubbard style, she realises that she can’t quite remember the last time she saw the inside of the local Pick ‘n Pay. Yes, being busy also means that you neglect the weekly food shop. Actually as she ponders her last grocery shopping expedition, the memories of that fateful day all come flooding back to her. And she remembers the fabulous advice that resulted from this torment of a food shop, “If you are thinking of getting married and having babies – spend some time at a grocery store.” She generously gave this advice to a close friend considering marriage. You might wonder why TTB would suggest such a thing – so did her friend! Let her not keep you in the dark…
Aside from the usual moms with 10 toddlers in a trolley and a crying baby on the arm blocking the aisles, TTB was privy to a few situations which well should have been just that – private. TTB was minding her own business in the veggie department when she encountered an American couple having a full on domestic. It seems they were arguing about who was going to be the one to walk the walk of shame and purchase the very necessary supply of, um, how shall we say…prophylactics. (To use a very American term in honour of them.) At that point TTB thought that she may have just seen everything but, she was wrong. It seems that this couple may have been onto something as those toddlers do grow up into an awful species called “teenagers”. With the Americans still in earshot she meandered along trying to find some peace in the fruit section. But oh no! Right in front of the lemons there was another shocking interchange happening between a mother and her teenage daughter. Yip, they were also having a domestic in the middle of a grocery store which ended with the mother sarcastically shouting: “And now you’re shouting at me in the middle of the grocery store. How sweet!”
It was at this moment that TTB realised that she REALLY doesn’t like grocery shopping. But she really likes food and doesn’t really like being hungry. Fortunately there was one last decent meal left from that fateful day and as TTB munches away at the solitary Porterhouse steak that remained in her freezer and a few veggies (well past their sell by date but good enough still to eat due to all that genetic modification everyone whines about) she thinks that maybe all the babies and domestics are worth it? You know to just brave it and go grocery shopping. The conclusion being as follows: busyness is bad for one’s health. It leaves one blog entry-less, hungry and with a pile of dirty clothes. The only solution to this problem is to a) be less busy or b) find a house husband. Mmm. Maybe there is something to recommend this matrimony vibe?
Yours sincerely
TTB
Monday, May 3, 2010
The trouble with the go-between
Dear The Turquoise Bag,
I've had a read through your blog and thought it would be fitting to write you on my little dilemma. I have a good friend of mine who confided in me about a woman that he liked and as any good friend I encouraged him to pursue her. He is very shy and so I took matters into my own hands in order to befriend this woman so as to introduce her to my friend. As luck would have it she befriended me and I introduced her to my friend but unfortunately she started to show signs that she was interested in me. This I only noticed once I had introduced them and withdrawn from the scene. I was prepared to talk to her but my friend said that he could never face her if I revealed the whole story and to leave it to him to explain. As it would be my friend never did and after only a few attempts at trying to pursue her, he seemed to give up. It has been several years and my friend has since said he is no longer interested in her.
Now my reason for this story is to put you into perspective of where I am currently. I happened to run into this aforementioned woman by chance at a coffee shop and I sat down to catch up with her. There was an awkwardness to the conversation which I believe may very well have to do with where we left off previously. We are both unattached so that is not an issue but we both have come out of serious relationships and I'm not sure if we are experiencing a “rebound” moment or if it has to do with what happened several years ago. I must admit that I have thought about it and I am not against the idea of us dating but I am concerned that it might be unwise considering our past and current states. I have met with her a couple of times now and I have a feeling that she may still wonder if something could happen between us and admittedly so do I. I believe that it may be an opportunity I will regret not taking if I past it by based on complications.
My question is, if you were this woman would you appreciate it if I explained to you why I did not make a move previously or would it be more appropriate to ask her out on a date and if she does bring up the subject to then say that I messed up? I'm still friends with the man who liked her and I wouldn't want to blacken his name or sound like I'm coming up with an excuse. As you can see I am in a bit of a spot and would appreciate a well informed woman's perspective.
Yours Sincerely,
Leonard
Dear Leonard
Thank you for reading my blog and for writing to me. Wow, what a story. So she’s the one that got away…from your friend? Mmm. Yes, it’s always complicated when friends are involved. I see that your question is ultimately whether you can spill the beans and tell this lovely lady about what had happened in the past? Although I have a feeling that you are actually asking a number of other questions. Actually, not a feeling, I can see that you are asking a number of questions and so I will certainly give you a woman’s perspective but I am going to make a few other comments on your situation.
Firstly, I think you are trying to decide if you’re going to defy the “the bro code” by getting involved with this girl. I am not really sure, since I am not a “bro”. It seems that you really care about your mate and don’t want his feelings to be hurt and that’s why you didn’t reveal (all those years ago) why you did not pursue the lady in question, out of respect for him. Well done! Bro’s before ho’s… That’s what I always say. Ok. Just kidding. (Eek. I’m probably going to get some hate mail from the feminists for writing that. Please forgive me – this is a humorous column as well and we handbags can’t take ourselves too seriously!) On a more serious note, I do think you have to consider your friend and be totally honest with him should you decide to ask her on a date. Since you say he’s not keen on her anymore, you probably out of the woods but best to come clean anyway. You would not want a friendship to sour over a relationship that might not even occur!
Ok, with that out of that way we can move onto the rebound issue. So, you just came out of a relationship, hey? Let me ask you one question: are you bored and need of some excitement? If the answer is yes, then don’t even think of asking her on a date. You’re wasting your time and hers. You need to get over the junk that happened in your last relationship and once you’re in the position where you have met someone and from the little you know of them, they seem like someone you could fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with, then only are you ready to start dating. But if this is just a notion of, “I’m bored, lonely and in need of companionship” – get yourself a dog. Any dating done for selfish reasons is doomed for failure... (This is the advice I would give the woman in question too, by the way.)
Now assuming you (and she) are in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship and you could genuinely see yourself in a forever type of relationship with her (the only one worth having) then I would have this to say about your question: let sleeping dogs lie. Don’t bring up all the stuff about your mate liking her and you acting (in good faith) as his agent in this scenario. Rather leave it until she brings it up – that is if she ever brings it up. Sometimes when we know of weird vibes that went down with someone of the opposite sex, we become overly aware of them and may see an awkwardness that does not exist. (I am not saying there isn’t awkwardness – just that you may be imagining it.) You may meet up for a date or 2, only to find there is no connection and then to go into all that history for nothing…
My rule of thumb is to always be honest but only on a “need to know” basis. She doesn’t need to know at this point why you didn’t pursue her all those years ago. Should you start seeing each other for real, I would then come clean in a matter of fact way – not making a big deal about it. I think it’s one of those things that you could have a chuckle about in the future? Not at the expense of your friend! When you do tell her (although I am sure is she has an EQ she will have figured out your mate liked her) do it in such a way that your friend is honoured in the conversation. Keep things simple in the beginning and if you have a lasting chemistry then your friend’s interest in her will not matter – probably just flatter her and make her think more highly of you for honouring him. I think a lesson that can be learned from this is to never act as the go-between in your friends’ love life pursuits. 9 out 10 times the girl thinks that go-between likes her. It creates massive headaches…
All the best and let me know how it goes. I enjoyed this question and am pleased that you’re thinking about women’s perceptions in these dilemma’s of life.
Yours sincerely
TTB
I've had a read through your blog and thought it would be fitting to write you on my little dilemma. I have a good friend of mine who confided in me about a woman that he liked and as any good friend I encouraged him to pursue her. He is very shy and so I took matters into my own hands in order to befriend this woman so as to introduce her to my friend. As luck would have it she befriended me and I introduced her to my friend but unfortunately she started to show signs that she was interested in me. This I only noticed once I had introduced them and withdrawn from the scene. I was prepared to talk to her but my friend said that he could never face her if I revealed the whole story and to leave it to him to explain. As it would be my friend never did and after only a few attempts at trying to pursue her, he seemed to give up. It has been several years and my friend has since said he is no longer interested in her.
Now my reason for this story is to put you into perspective of where I am currently. I happened to run into this aforementioned woman by chance at a coffee shop and I sat down to catch up with her. There was an awkwardness to the conversation which I believe may very well have to do with where we left off previously. We are both unattached so that is not an issue but we both have come out of serious relationships and I'm not sure if we are experiencing a “rebound” moment or if it has to do with what happened several years ago. I must admit that I have thought about it and I am not against the idea of us dating but I am concerned that it might be unwise considering our past and current states. I have met with her a couple of times now and I have a feeling that she may still wonder if something could happen between us and admittedly so do I. I believe that it may be an opportunity I will regret not taking if I past it by based on complications.
My question is, if you were this woman would you appreciate it if I explained to you why I did not make a move previously or would it be more appropriate to ask her out on a date and if she does bring up the subject to then say that I messed up? I'm still friends with the man who liked her and I wouldn't want to blacken his name or sound like I'm coming up with an excuse. As you can see I am in a bit of a spot and would appreciate a well informed woman's perspective.
Yours Sincerely,
Leonard
Dear Leonard
Thank you for reading my blog and for writing to me. Wow, what a story. So she’s the one that got away…from your friend? Mmm. Yes, it’s always complicated when friends are involved. I see that your question is ultimately whether you can spill the beans and tell this lovely lady about what had happened in the past? Although I have a feeling that you are actually asking a number of other questions. Actually, not a feeling, I can see that you are asking a number of questions and so I will certainly give you a woman’s perspective but I am going to make a few other comments on your situation.
Firstly, I think you are trying to decide if you’re going to defy the “the bro code” by getting involved with this girl. I am not really sure, since I am not a “bro”. It seems that you really care about your mate and don’t want his feelings to be hurt and that’s why you didn’t reveal (all those years ago) why you did not pursue the lady in question, out of respect for him. Well done! Bro’s before ho’s… That’s what I always say. Ok. Just kidding. (Eek. I’m probably going to get some hate mail from the feminists for writing that. Please forgive me – this is a humorous column as well and we handbags can’t take ourselves too seriously!) On a more serious note, I do think you have to consider your friend and be totally honest with him should you decide to ask her on a date. Since you say he’s not keen on her anymore, you probably out of the woods but best to come clean anyway. You would not want a friendship to sour over a relationship that might not even occur!
Ok, with that out of that way we can move onto the rebound issue. So, you just came out of a relationship, hey? Let me ask you one question: are you bored and need of some excitement? If the answer is yes, then don’t even think of asking her on a date. You’re wasting your time and hers. You need to get over the junk that happened in your last relationship and once you’re in the position where you have met someone and from the little you know of them, they seem like someone you could fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with, then only are you ready to start dating. But if this is just a notion of, “I’m bored, lonely and in need of companionship” – get yourself a dog. Any dating done for selfish reasons is doomed for failure... (This is the advice I would give the woman in question too, by the way.)
Now assuming you (and she) are in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship and you could genuinely see yourself in a forever type of relationship with her (the only one worth having) then I would have this to say about your question: let sleeping dogs lie. Don’t bring up all the stuff about your mate liking her and you acting (in good faith) as his agent in this scenario. Rather leave it until she brings it up – that is if she ever brings it up. Sometimes when we know of weird vibes that went down with someone of the opposite sex, we become overly aware of them and may see an awkwardness that does not exist. (I am not saying there isn’t awkwardness – just that you may be imagining it.) You may meet up for a date or 2, only to find there is no connection and then to go into all that history for nothing…
My rule of thumb is to always be honest but only on a “need to know” basis. She doesn’t need to know at this point why you didn’t pursue her all those years ago. Should you start seeing each other for real, I would then come clean in a matter of fact way – not making a big deal about it. I think it’s one of those things that you could have a chuckle about in the future? Not at the expense of your friend! When you do tell her (although I am sure is she has an EQ she will have figured out your mate liked her) do it in such a way that your friend is honoured in the conversation. Keep things simple in the beginning and if you have a lasting chemistry then your friend’s interest in her will not matter – probably just flatter her and make her think more highly of you for honouring him. I think a lesson that can be learned from this is to never act as the go-between in your friends’ love life pursuits. 9 out 10 times the girl thinks that go-between likes her. It creates massive headaches…
All the best and let me know how it goes. I enjoyed this question and am pleased that you’re thinking about women’s perceptions in these dilemma’s of life.
Yours sincerely
TTB
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