The trouble with being TOGWTHBTBAGF

Dear TTB

I want to ask about something that happened to me a while ago, it's left a really nasty taste in my mouth.

So, I had this really good friend. We hung out a lot and sometimes the whole situation was a bit grey, I'll admit. I wasn't so sure if I was keen when she was and vice versa. So I guess we kinda went on dates on and off for about 2 years, in spite of that, at the bottom of it all we were really great mates. We were into the same stuff and she wasn't admin to be around, so we hung out a lot. There was a lot of mutual respect too. We were really GOOD MATES. Like she was definitely my best girl friend.

Anyway, she ended up finding a guy she actually KNEW she wanted to date and started dating him. I was stoked. For real. I mean we had tried it out and it sort of never worked out well, our timing was all off and so I was really happy for her, I mean ultimately we were better as friends all along. So great, let's be honest and not make it a big awkward issue, let's just be friends. I knew the guy and we'd hung out a couple of times, he's cool, we are mates, no weirdness...until she made it totally weird and started being all strange about it. Anyway, I was chilled, we were all still mates and I can get that it may have felt awkward for her. I guess in the end I was better mates with the guy than the girl, which is normal in these situations.

Then 4 months ago they got engaged. I was/am so happy for them - they are good for each other, they make a good couple. I've always thought so, much better than she and I would EVER be together. Plus they are my mates, of course I'm happy for them. He did well.

Now I've put up with a whole lot of weirdness from her since they started dating, which I can deal with, but the one thing that's made me super bleak is this:

When they got engaged, they told EVERYONE except me. Like everyone. Even randoms who they were vaguely acquainted with. I totally read about their engagement on OTHER PEOPLE'S face book status updates before they told me. Being mates with both parties and once being REALLY good mates with the girl, I was really disappointed with them - or her more, I guess. Did they really think that I was that hung up on her that I couldn't take it? Did she think I was that lame? Maybe they just don't count me a mate anymore after all her weird vibes? So like 3 days later after everyone else had told me how it happened, when they were getting married and the whole trip, I get this sad little text message basically saying: "guess what, we're engaged." As if I didn't know. I feel like I've been made to feel like I'm the lame ass emotionally immature person in this situation. Why couldn't they just be normal and tell me like they told everyone else, I mean flip, I was/am so stoked for them! It's a pity they didn't think I would be. I'm bleak that our friendship has got so cold.

The other guy who tried his best to be a good friend.

Dear TOGWTHBTBAGF

Wow, what a story. What a tragedy of emotional idiocy. Guess it comes down to the question of “Can handbags and briefcases ever be ‘just friends’?” Mmm. TTB has really been pondering this a great deal lately and she seems to be leaning towards a very firm, “NO!” So TTB’s assessment is as follows:

You were definitely in Bermuda territory for much of your friendship. (TTB will go easy on you about this because TTB can see you’re quite um…cut up/frustrated with the situation.) Basically the two of you should definitely have spoken this through. Would have made things a lot easier now. COMMUNICATION! If TTB’s said it once, she’s said it a thousand times… Because you didn’t chat this through, your friend obviously was left with somewhat ambivalent feelings towards you and the former friendship you had, resulting in awkward vibes between the two of you.

That said the fact that you tried your best to befriend both of them – particularly her new boyfriend - means that you were really trying to show your support in their relationship and to make things as normal as possible. But, let’s face it; any guy-girl friendship always goes south as soon as one of the people starts dating someone else. Then it becomes even stranger when they become engaged and then you can probably just about kiss the friendship goodbye once ex-Bermuda “friend” ends up hitched. (Unless of course you and Husby end up as big mates?) Sad, but true. TTB doesn’t think that this is a bad thing. It’s a very necessary thing, if not totally appropriate. It’s just the natural order of things. I’m sure you wouldn’t want your future fiancée/wife hanging out with any of her former guy friends? It’s just a bit weird. Nonetheless you seemed to handle the transition, most appropriately! So, kudos for that.

Your newly engaged friend, however, is a moron. Plain and simple. She is clearly lacking some EI and TTB wouldn’t mind giving her a mouthful about it. She should have just been “Harry Casual” about the whole thing and told you just like everybody else. Hello? How hard would that have been? The only other explanation that TTB can offer is that she may have forgotten to send you a message? For whatever reason it was a horrible oversight not to let you know. The issue definitely lies with her. If you had been some awful, ex-boyfriend who smashed her heart into a million pieces, TTB’d say that you definitely didn’t need to be informed of her pending marriage. But since you’re the guy who tried his best to be a good friend, TTB says: shame on her!

The long and the short of it is that you got a raw deal and TTB is sorry for that. It sucks big time. Much can be learned though. Stay out of undefined friendships with handbags – it only leads to trouble. The upside is that once you find a handbag you do want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll have a “best girl friend” you will be friends with forever! Isn’t that a happy thought? All these other friendships with people of the opposite sex are just a counterfeit of the real deal, anyway.

Yours sincerely
TTB

PS Your spelling is atrocious – TTB had to do a fair amount of editing. Keep working on that. (Sorry, TTB knows you’re bleak and all, but that’s no reason to abuse the English language.)

PPS If you’re wondering whether you should go to the wedding or not, you should. Some advice for free: If you were an ex-boyfriend, TTB would say that the polite thing to do was to decline the invite feigning illness or a longstanding family engagement at your Great Aunt Muriel’s.