The trouble with the ugly

Dear Turquoise Bag

I was so pissed off when I read your blog entry, “The trouble with Bermuda”!!! I think what you think is totally preposterous!! Chicks should stop psychoanalyzing every little thing okes do. Its really hard being a guy. Chicks give us no credit. We always have to make the first move and then we get shut down. Ka-bam! So, like, what are we supposed to do? We have to like put it out there, like a bit under the radar, and just hang and see if she’s “the one”. And, ja, most of the time she isnt. Because, duh, there can only be one “The One”. Unless I tell a chick I dig her, she must just know that I dont. Guys are not stupid. We know what we want and what we dig. So dont tune us if all we actually trying to do is protect the chick and our friendship with her. For example: like this one chick, she’s still my mate even though I thought for awhile that she was “the one”. But like then I realised at Tiger Tiger that her neighbour was probably “the one”. She like used to be an FHM model. So we hooked up. My mate who is the chick I’m still mates with (not the the FHM model) was super bummed! Like we had spent a lot of time together and stuff but I didnt think it was necessary to like stop photocopying her varsity notes for me. (That happened for a whole week!) Anyway, eventually me and FHM didn’t work out. Ja, I guess, she wasn’t the one. But anyways, now like me and my mate are super close again. She does my laundry and packs me lunch everyday. Flip, I know all of that would have been SO messed up if I had told her that I thought she was “the one” and then hooked up with FHM, who I also thought was “the one” but then realised she also wasn’t “the one”. So can you see how your theory is a load of ****. (Edited out due to expletive) My mate and I are still mates and we hang and we have fun together. And it’s all because I didnt say anything when I thought she was “the one”! I think you must give us guys some credit for like not leading chicks on.

Cheers
Pissed off Guy

Dear PO Guy

Thank you for considering my theory. I was very impressed with your use of the word “preposterous”. It showed me that you did indeed have a brain as it seems you know how to make use of the thesaurus application in MS Word. I do want to point out that in the English language the use of two exclamation marks at the end of the sentence is not allowed. By using the double exclamation you do not achieve your aim of being menacing and showing me how very angry you are. In fact all it shows me is that you need to march yourself back to those Grade 4 English Grammar textbooks and learn how to use punctuation! But, I shall forgive you, as I admit that you do find yourself in a predicament.

Rejection is a sad but common occurrence in the life of every man. (Unless you’re Brad Pitt) Unfortunately it seems that cowardice is also alive and well in the male species. And you my dear, PO Guy, are a coward. I know you’re probably throwing your laptop against the wall by now, as my accusation probably infuriates you. I will continue though, for the benefit of other emotionally challenged men out there. Basically you have 3 major problems in your rebuttal of my Bermuda theory:

1) If you are spending lots of time with any girl, you are leading her on. We spend time with people we like and a woman gauges how much a man likes her by the amount of time he spends with her, how much he confides in her and how often he extends invitations to her. You think you may not have been leading her on, but you are. You may think that because you did not tell her of your feelings earlier in the friendship, she has no reason to think there is anything more to the friendship. But the truth is, at one point, you considered it and I am sure your behaviour led her to think that you were interested. Then you changed your mind and got involved with that Miss FHM. Your friend was clearly hurt by this. Now, you want to be friends with her again which only gives her hope that you like her. There is no question about it; you have been leading her on!

2) Secondly, your “the one” theory is ridiculous especially since you have thought that at least 2 girls were “the one”. (That we know of.) You will continue to go through life looking for “the one”, thinking you have found her and then being disappointed by something in her or finding someone better and changing your mind. There are many women who you could choose to be “the one”. Yes, there are definitely some women who will be far better suited to you than others, but ultimately you have to make a decision to love someone and to daily choose her to be “the one”. At the moment you are just being selfish and “trying out” women to see if by some accident they might be “the one”. All the while that sweet friend of yours is at your every beck and call and being a good replacement until you find “the one”.


3) You not saying that you had feelings for your friend has not made the situation less complicated, but more! Well, I guess it’s not complicated for you, but it is for her. The fact that you didn’t confess your undying love is probably admirable since you did change your mind. So kudos for that. But now you have to be a man and tell her gently that you want to clear the air and make sure that you and her are on the same page: you don’t have feelings for her. And, yes, I would include that once upon a time you did and that you admit that you are a total moron for leading her on. I would advise referring her to my blog for some commiseration with other lovely lasses who have found themselves in the Bermuda Traingle.

In conclusion, you are lazy and a coward. You enjoy the fact that she makes your sandwiches and offers you the notes you are too lazy (there’s that word again!) to take down during lectures. You are obviously not that into her as you cannot decide whether she is “the one” but you continue milking the friendship for all its worth. She on the other hand is clearly devoted to you, Mr Lazy Bones. Why else would she be doing your laundry? This is a relationship of convenience for you and one that she has obviously placed far greater hopes on. And that is a great tragedy on her part. But, shame on you! I really hope you will follow my advice and be honest about the fact that you don’t have feelings for her. Then you must give her the space to move on. No more sandwiches or notes or you! I have great hopes that you will turn your cowardice into courage. After all, a faint heart never won a fair lady! So you better get plenty courageous if you ever want to have a successful relationship one day.

Yours sincerely
TTB

PS Please enrol in my Emotional Intelligence 101 course. Details to follow shortly.

PPS The coloured lines that appear underneath text in MS Word shows one when one has made a spelling or punctuation error. You may want to consult it and correct your writing before sending me another letter.

PPPS A paragraph or two wouldn't hurt either - just a suggestion.