The trouble with being a briefcase

Dear TTB

Perhaps more importantly, how should a guy treat a girl who he is "considering" (you know what i mean)? if you ask her out and then things don't turn out well there is a big break-up, and it seems that if he spends time with her before asking her out and then decides it's not going to work he is a coward? Is he a coward because he didn't like you? Surely the coward is the one who really does like you but then doesn't convey that? Is there no place for guys and girls to get to know each other better except for big group events?

These are all serious questions. If I was having a go at you I'd be an idiot. Or an "oke"."

Regards
Anonymous



Dear Anonymous

I must say that I think you have asked some of the most pertinent questions that every briefcase should be asking himself. It gives me great joy that you are considering these dilemmas. The truth is that relationships are such a mystery – why we fall in love, who we fall in love with and ultimately why on earth it even works out! It’s truly a miracle when it does. So, I guess one could throw the towel in and give up because if you’re a perfectionist like me, you want to do it all perfectly. Alas, this is not possible. Everyone at some point in their lives ends up in Bermuda or shipwrecked or both. Relationships are always a risk and so we need to bear this in mind whenever we enter into them.

It is inevitable that’s some relationships do end up in The Bermuda Triangle and are ultimately successful. So I must clarify that Bermuda is only a bad thing when people remain in it for an extended period of time. I definitely agree that there is room for handbags and briefcases to have some time where the friendship is not quite defined but at some point a decision needs to be made one way or the other. What I am anti is “friendships” where the lines are blurred for far too long where either party (because handbags have also been known to keep a few briefcases in Bermuda while they decide whether they are in fact interested in dating the said briefcase. This usually happens with petite, shiny, Gucci-like handbags that briefcases the world over admire. But I digress…) is covertly holding the other’s heart at ransom while trying to decide whether said person is “the one”. So, yes, my objection is indeed to this sort of cowardice where handbags or briefcases are considering each other but not brave enough to say anything in trying to avoid dating and ending up in the shipwrecked zone. Or the other case where one or the other decides not to pursue a relationship and then flits on to the next person he/she wants to suss out. Now that’s cowardice at its worst! You don’t have to fall in love with anyone but if you’re sussing ‘em out at least have the courage to tell them so! This brings me to an important point.

How to treat a woman you are considering dating? When considering asking a woman out: Communication is your ally. I thinks there is totally room for a man and a woman to get to know each other better outside of the boring “big event” category as long as intentions and expectations are clearly communicated. This is my idealistic idea of how this should work out: Briefcase notices handbag. Briefcase asks handbag out for dinner/a drink/not coffee. (Really. Not coffee – it’s overdone and very boring). Briefcase tells handbag he would like to get to know her better, if she is also keen for said getting to know each other experience. Briefcase CLEARLY communicates that he is not sure if they will in fact end up in some long lasting relationship – he realizes she may not want to or he may not want to or both of them may not want to, after spending some time together. Both parties understand that there is no commitment. Briefcase and handbag go on dates and fall in love. Voila!

Ok, that’s perhaps an over simplification but I hope you can see my point. Both parties know what’s going on. Neither is left wondering where this friendship is heading or trying to analyze the “signals”. (It’s probably only the handbag that will be engaging in this signal interpretation) The reality is still that the relationship may not work out, just like if people stayed in Bermuda where things might also not work out for the best, but they didn’t end up “dating and breaking up”. Do you think that people end up being less hurt? In my many years of counselling young handbags I have found they end up being just as upset and very confused because they were in this weird, pseudo-relationship where they were more than friends but less than lovers. Whenever emotions are involved, it's very hard to avoid pain - even when one has the best intentions at heart.

In conclusion, handbags and briefcases are destined to find each other. Sometimes it doesn't work out along the way. The best you can do is to treat any woman you potentially want to date with honesty and kindness. Whether you do or don't date; break up or get married - she'll appreciate your attempt at always communicating transparently with her. You also have to accept that relationships are mysterious and a risk, as I pointed out earlier. And as Lord Farquard so elegantly said in Shrek, "It's a risk I am willing to take."

Yours sincerely
TTB