The trouble with the bad

For this blog entry I have taken excerpts from the letters I have received and amalgamated them into one letter. Unfortunately there are so many handbags who find themselves in the same predicament…

Dear TTB

I have this friend who often smses me to ask me questions related to my career field. I am always happy to help him and we have struck up a lovely friendship. I mean, the only time he ever gets in touch with me is when he needs a question answered, but his phone calls and text messages are also about me. He always wants to know how I am doing and feeling. We have started spending more time together as he prepares for his exam and needs my assistance. I really, really like him. Do you think it can work?

I know this guy. We have been friends for a good 5 years. We have stuck together through life’s tough times. He’s been through a very hectic life experience and I’ve been there for him as he has been trying to make important life decisions. We spend many hours speaking about his future and what he wants to do with his life. I am sort of his confidante. I know no one else understands him like I do. I am in love with him and am sure he feels the same way. Do you think I should bring it up or wait for him to tell me how he feels?

My friend is this super intense and intelligent guy. I am so attracted to him! He is easy to talk to and we have similar interests. But I don’t just like him for that, I really want to help him to realise how amazing he is. You see, I think, he has a super low self-esteem. He isn’t willing to take any risks and doesn’t think he is good at anything. But what I don’t understand is that he has lots of friends who are girls and he seems to be quite flirtatious. Yet, he never follows through on the flirting – that’s what I mean on the not taking a risk thing! How can I make him realise how much he means to me and that I won’t reject him?

Yours faithfully
Confused Girl 1,2 and 3

Dear Confused Girls

Please go to your kitchen and make a cup of tea. Have you made your tea? Good. Now please sit down. The truth is, all 3 of you are most definitely in Bermuda. I am sorry to say this but your relationship with your respective love interest is, well, inappropriately more involved than it ought to be. All three of you have leapt into these friendships handing over your heart to men who were all too happy to let it dangle there in Bermuda territory, while they got what they needed from the friendships.

Confused Girl 1, you have the classic, “I’ll make use of your expertise/money/kindness guy while you fall in love with me” scenario. He’s probably not a bad fellow. He knows a good thing when he sees it. He realises you are intelligent and is probably genuinely concerned for your well being but only for as much as he can get out of you. He only contacts you when he needs something and by the sounds of things you are tutoring him for free. I am sure he is very charming and the friendship has had some romantic moments. But don’t be fooled, this guy will drop you like a hot potato as soon as he doesn’t need your expertise any longer. My advice would be to kindly refuse him any more assistance and wave the “friendship” goodbye. Besides, do you really want to be someone’s tutor or their lover?

Confused Girl 2, you have the classic, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life guy” for a friend. He is complex and has tons of issues. He can never make up his mind about what he wants his future to look like and needs to have constant in depth discussions about how lost he is in the world. When I hear the words complex and confused, I look for the closest exit sign! Your friend is so self-involved he probably never has any time to look after anyone else’s needs. Girlfriends and wives give constant heartfelt, in depth advice like this. Not friends! Point him towards a career counsellor, parent or wiser friend. It’s not your place to be mapping out his future. Men who don’t know what they want to do with their lives are hazardous. And believe me; their egos can’t handle a woman who does have her life together as it seems you do. Draw some very strict boundaries with him not allowing him to talk about his confusion with you and take a big step out of this Bermuda triangle. (I mean like limited contact, if any) This is so that you both can examine your true feelings. Once he has figured out his future (on his own), he may be in a position to look after you for a change. (Although, it is likely that you will have moved on by then.) You’re not an agony aunt, so stop being treated like one!

Dear Confused Girl 3, your chap has a case of the “I lack confidence so I need to surround myself with caring women to make me feel better”. It’s very simple: he needs therapy. I am sure he has many stellar qualities to recommend him and that you mean well in wanting to save him from his insecurities. But that sets off alarm bells for me. We all have a saviour complex in us. Save that for SPCA. (I mean that with no disrespect – saving animals from cruelty is something I strongly encourage) However, this guy is not a stray dog. He needs to learn to be confident and interact normally with other people. In my experience, I have never seen such relationships turn out for the better. Roles of the “insecure one” and “the saviour” are immediately cemented and at some point the insecure one totally stifles the saviour’s world by demanding constant positive reinforcement and attention. Or the saviour grows exhausted from “saving” the other person and needs some TLC. It’s really in your friend’s best interest for him to work through whatever is causing his insecurities. And in yours, to keep him at arms length. Come on, leave the mollycoddling and encouragement to his mom and tell him to stop flirting with you!

Have faith, by next year your “Bermuradar” will be so good that you definitely won’t be in any flaky, pseudo-relationships, but might have even found Mr Briefcase! Better to get rid of the dead weight as soon as possible as you never know who the Bermuda Triangle may be keeping you from meeting? Happy V-day!

Yours sincerely
TTB
xxx