The trouble with romance

Dear TTB

Yesterday I went on my first date with…well…I’m not really sure what to call him. I guess, he’s my friend but he is heading towards becoming my boyfriend. Maybe we’re in Bermuda? Anyhow, I am sure you are going to be so horrified by this and I really need your advice about what to do next. He took me to McDonald’s! I was so shocked. Of all the places in the world, he took me to McDonald’s! I had dressed up and everything. We had a good time but I’m just not sure if this should go any further. I mean he is obviously not romantic and probably doesn’t understand me since he took me to the most unromantic restaurant IN THE WORLD! (Can I even call it a restaurant?) Is this relationship doomed? Should I jump ship now? How should I tell him that I don’t want to see him again?

Thanks for taking the time to write back to me.

From
Girl looking for romance

Dear Girl looking for romance

Good on you for going on a date! I am sorry to hear that it did not meet your expectations. Firstly I must ask you a few questions before advising you on this situation. Did he collect you for the evening or arrange to meet you somewhere that was convenient for you? Did he open doors for you and allow you to order first? Did he make good conversation and show an interest in your life? Did you have fun? Did he make sure you got home safely? If you answered mostly no to the questions above: jump ship. If mostly yes, then I think your date was probably far more successful than you think!

Often relationships start off with dramatic shows of “romance”: dinner at The Vineyard, dozens of red roses and tons of Lindt Chocolate, only to crash and burn ending in a break up at McDonald’s. (Because no one wants to pay for a break up meal at the Five Flies) The classic charmer type engages in this sort of extravagance. Believe me, you want to stay well away from those types! They are in it for the chase and once the excitement has worn off they become bored and flit off to their latest conquest. Handbags are usually totally taken by their charm and end up smitten and then ultimately heartbroken. You my dear, should be in search of salt of the earth type. Not a charmer. Aside from learning the difference between the illustrious charmer and the wonderful salt of the earth type, I also think you need to rethink what your concept of romance is.

Handbags the world over have some very strange ideas about what romance is. I do pity briefcases. Handbags sometimes have the most impossible demands in the quest to feel “romanced”. I am afraid to say I have a feeling that you might be one of these impossible handbags. I hope I am wrong but if I am correct, do not fear The Turquoise Bag is here! My aim is to reform your ideas in just one blog entry! As Maria von Trapp pointed out, it’s always best to start at the very beginning and I am sure she would point us in the direction of a good, old dictionary to find out what romance is? The Oxford Dictionary defines romance as, “a general term that refers to the attempt to express love with words and deeds.” (Note here that the definition does not include spending oodles of cash on expensive restaurants.) It’s all about the Facta et Verba. Now ask yourself the question: Can this briefcase truly be in love with me in such a short space of time? The short answer is: no! Can you thus have an expectation of him to be expressing this sort of romantic love if he’s just getting to know you? NO! So TTB thinks, my dear, that it’s really you who needs the wake up call and not him!

Handbags and briefcases sometimes fall into the trap of being in love with well, being in love. (This is classic charmer psychology.) They like the wining and dining, the chasing or being pursued, they love sending the roses and receiving them, they LOVE LOVE LOVE the flirting in those early days of getting to know each other. But do they love the other person? Nope. Will they ever love the other person? Nope. Why? Because this sort of narcissistic, “romantic” dating is all about me, me, me and my selfish desires to feel like someone dotes on me. In this case the so-called “romance” is just a tool to make someone feel in love as opposed to loving someone and then becoming more romantic as you get to know them. It’s the wrong way round! Don’t fall into this trap of confusing the two. It’s so much better to start off with a first date in McDonald’s and end with a romantic engagement at (insert your favourite place for a perfect engagement)! As opposed to the alternative I suggested earlier of starting off feeling “romanced” but ending up heartbroken.

Romance is not a briefcase emptying his piggy bank to take you to the most expensive restaurant – that’s just foolishness! Romance is not remembering every single anniversary. (Some handbags get very carried away with this. They want to commemorate the day they met, the day they started dating, the day they first said those 3 magic words, never mind important dates like that of your wedding…I mean, really it gets a bit much.) And the poor old briefcases get terrible tongue lashings or a bout of the silent treatment - depending on what sort of handbag she is - should these VID’s (very important dates) be forgotten. Romance is not red roses, expensive gifts and tons of chocolate. I don’t think it is anything tangible (or fattening for that matter). In fact this kind of wining, dining and chocolating is very bad for any handbags’ BMI…

Now, you might be wondering if TTB has a vendetta against romance. Let TTB be very clear: she is very in favour of handbags being romanced by the salt of the earth type, provided this happens in the correct order, first love then romance. So now you’re thinking, “Okay, TTB thanks for telling me how useless my ideas about romance is, but can you tell me what romance is after your exposition of what it isn’t.” Well, it’s difficult to say what form romance will take in your relationship because it’s very dependent on who you are and what you appreciate. For some people who find themselves in the uppermost socioeconomic group, romance may include expensive restaurants and fine wine. For others it’s letter writing, or speeches of words of affection or finding a single flower pinned to your front door. The long and the short of it is that romance is about being thoughtful and intentional about spending time together and doing the simple things that you know will be appreciated by the other person and remind them that you love them. TTB is just going to reiterate that the love already has to be there it can’t be conjured up by these displays of romance. (TTB believes in repetition, repetition, repetition!)

In conclusion, it’s about the quality of the time and not the quality of the food. If you’re looking for fine dining and wining, you had better find yourself a Donald Trump. (I am not convinced that this would be a good option particularly as he has told young Tiger to continue being a playboy. Honestly.) So, my advice is give this briefcase a chance. Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you are meant for each other, the romance will come all on its own once you are really falling in love. Manners maketh the man; not the restaurant he takes you to.

Yours sincerely
TTB

PS I happen to be a big fan of the golden arches. Just an indulgence every now and then especially when I find myself in Pinelands. Or back in Asia and need something a little Western to remind me of home so don’t write me again if you haven’t anything good to say about Ronald McDonald and his team.

PPS. Stop worrying about being in Bermuda. Clearly you’re not, because he asked you out on a date. Asking girls out on dates takes some guts, courage and determination. Do you honestly think this briefcase would be putting himself out there and asking you out if he wasn’t keen? Hang onto him – sounds like a keeper!