The Turquoise Bag is officially feeling fat. It’s a fact she’s been trying to ignore for the last 6 months but every now and then a whimper of a reminder comes her way. For example, yesterday she made the foolish error of accompanying two of her handbag sisters (biological not like “sistahs”) to the mall. Well, accompanying is perhaps a strong word. It was more like chauffeuring and then collapsing on a chair at Seattle to drown her sorrows in a Frozen Mocha filled with yummy calories as she lamented both a swollen ankle and the fact that she now feels like she embellishes that phrase “supersize me” so well. This was after trying on a few items of clothing that only emphasized her growing childbearing hips…that aren’t carrying any children!
Do you know what TTB’s talking about, dear reader? The terrible moment when you realize, well, that your chubby “phase” has become your chubby life! It’s awful! “No more shopping trips!” you think resolutely. “No more shopping until I am back to my slim size …” (The … means that you can fill in the gap. It just kind of makes it more personal and allows you to fill in your former slim size. That is, unless you’re an Ethiopian model who still is the very essence of your skinny self) “I am going to gym everyday. No more choccocinos or delicious triple chocolate mousses or yummy mint crisp chocolate. No sirree!” you say sincerely.
And then after about 6 months of attempting to give up your favourite treats and gym the excess weight away, your clothes are terribly last season, dahling. So, you psych yourself up to take the trip to the dreaded clothing shop mirror to jazz up your summer 2009 wardrobe. But it doesn’t help. Instead you end up in a comfort eating frenzy trying to conjure up the endorphins that successful clothes shopping used to release into your brain. Do you ever have one of those “feeling fat days”? Those days where it doesn’t matter what people say or how glam you look, you just FEEEEEL fat. Generally these “feeling fat days” accompany unsuccessful shopping trips. Today TTB is having a “feeling fat day”. TTB thinks that in the interest of social welfare and the success and stability of places of work around the country, handbags should be granted at least 6 days annual leave for those days she has dubbed, “feeling fat days”.
Imagine how lovely it would be to have a “feeling fat day” in the privacy of your own home while watching “When Harry met Sally” or “My Best Friend’s Wedding” or “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”? (Just a few of TTB’s favourites). Just imagine not having to lock yourself in your office to avoid dealing with anyone face to face on a “feeling fat day”. Just imagine not having to be forced to be in a staff video on a “feeling fat day”. That’s what happened to TTB today. She was forced against her will to be in a video on her day of feeling fat. That should be punishable by law. Everyone knows the camera adds 10 pounds! And who can fairly subject a handbag to that on a “feeling fat day”? TTB has decided that when this revolting video without choreography is displayed for all the world to see, she will be taking a "feeling fat day" and let anyone try and mess with that...
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Dear TTB, welcome to my feeling fat life! All I can say is "I hear you sister' (more 'sistah', than the biological 'sister'). My ultimate horror is shopping for jeans. Not only are you merely replacing something already in your wardrobe for exactly the same item, simply because it has become worn and your thighs are making a break for freedom, but even a 3-day starvation diet before a day of jean shopping wont possibly minimise the distress caused!
ReplyDeleteA shop assistant recently offered me 'jeggings' (denim leggings) saying that they looked no different and were super comfy. She was the caucasian equivalent of an ethopian model and she quite clearly assumed that these hips were about to bear a child. Gah! 6 month's of not snacking and then gymming too - you are my hero!
Dxx