The trouble with White weddings

I am going to issue a disclaimer from the very start: I believe in the institution of marriage, wholeheartedly. So please don’t send me an e-mail about how you are so disappointed that you invited me to your wedding if I am such a hater of the union. I am not a marriagist (noun: one who hates marriage) However, I do have some grievances about weddings. Like you get sexists, racists and chauvinists, you also get weddingists (noun: one who hates weddings). I am NOT a weddingist either. I like seeing my friends get hitched. I like eating their food. I like dancing. I even like giving the happy couple a gift, very thoughtfully chosen from their registry. What I don’t like is the hanging around waiting for said couple to exhaust a 10 gig memory card by taking photo’s in black, white and colour while the starving guests fight each other for the last canapé. Nope, I don’t like that at all. This is one of the problems that the White wedding faces. Another issue is that of “keeping up with the Jones’s”. Weddings have become ridiculously expensive. Why? Well, Mr and Mrs A had a wedding with all the bells and whistles and therefore I must. Wedding planners, florists, caterers, Mr Venue owner and the likes see the opportunity to exploit and voila: one wedding a la expense coming up. Imagine if everyone had just stuck to the simple wedding? Florists, caterers, Mr Venue owner would have to charge competitive prices and Mrs Wedding Planner might be out of a job. Alas, not in this world of competitive weddings… For some other solutions we need only look in two directions: to the east and down south.

Korean weddings have a lot to recommend them. They are cheap (they cost the couple and their parents almost nothing) as everyone who comes to the wedding brings a monetary gift. The guests have to drop their gift into box as they enter the wedding and it is customary to write your name as well as how much money you are giving to the couple’s parents on the outside of the envelope. That means everyone gives a very decent amount of cash. The bride’s parents use this cash to pay for all the expenses of the wedding and on some occasions to give the couple some money towards starting their life together. The wedding is a one stop shop occasion. Brides go to “wedding houses”, that usually take the shape of a fairy tale castle, and are decked out in the most kitsch décor known to man. Brides can hire dresses there, have their photos taken by a professional photographer and get married in a very sweet chapel. All for the price of hiring the venue for 2 hour! All paid for by your guests! There is never a limitation on the number of guests that one can invite. Most wedding venues cater for about 400 – 800 guests. Guests come to the different parts of the ceremony – some come to the wedding, others only to the reception and this is based on the guest’s preference. Remember the wedding is essentially paying for itself so there’s no need to worry about guest lists and RSVP’s. That takes a whole lot of stress out of the occasion. Bet there aren’t many Korean bridezillas! And guess what: there’s no hanging around waiting for photos to be taken! The bride and groom have already had their picture taken in their hired kit a few days earlier. And don’t start with all that bad luck stuff, Korea has a very low divorce rate.

If that’s a little too eastern for your philosophy of weddings, you can always give the Aussie wedding a try. The wedding and reception are two separate occasions. They generally occur with a good a few hours break in between them. Guests are told when they are to report to the reception. This gives everyone a chance to make a trip to the pub or go out for some lunch – catch up with old friends and relatives while the bride and groom take pictures to their heart’s content. Means you really get to socialise with the people you enjoy at the wedding. Also should the happy couple decide to get married in SEA POINT and have their reception in STELLENBOSCH, you don’t have to race the 200 other guests to get a bite to eat, but can take a leisurely drive along the wine route to the reception. See a little of the countryside, have a coffee, have a little wine, perhaps some cheese? The result: relaxed guests, a relaxed bride and groom and much merriment – the very essence of the wedding. Advance Australia fair…

My next gripe is with the barbaric practise of throwing the bouquet at wedding receptions. The bride smiles knowing she’s off the market while her single friends cringe at the thought of having to reveal how very unattached they are by making their way to the centre of the dance floor. Really, can we not think of a better way to make all the single women feel more marriable (adjective: a lady or gentleman worth marrying) than the hope of catching a bunch of dying flowers? If one has to look into the history of this archaic practise one would remember that flowers were introduced at weddings because brides had a severe lack of soap and hot water in the heyday of the wedding. We have deodorant and perfume now. Perhaps the bride should throw a bottle of pheromone-induced perfume to the crowd? Methinks it could work wonders for the love life of the lucky lady who catches it.

Note to self: my new business should be an elite one stop wedding planning shop. Recruit an unknown male designer to design the dresses, a divorced mother of 2 to do the flowers and a Japanese Sushi chef for the catering. Don’t forget about the arty camera man with the 10 gig memory card. Oh and buy a wine farm for the venue. Charge exorbitant prices for everything. Guaranteed money spinner.